


You Rule With Lies And Deceit

by Mercy_Rhyne



Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Deceit is a jerk what the fuck, I want to punch deceit, Manipulation, Toxic friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-03-13 15:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13573473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Rhyne/pseuds/Mercy_Rhyne
Summary: Everyone has a past they are ashamed of. Whether it is just one thing they did, or who they used to be as a person. And Virgil is no exception to the rule. He keeps trying to forget about his past, and just when he thinks he’s grown on him enough to forget, it comes back to haunt him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Swearing, self-loathing, manipulation, toxic behaviour, emotional abuse

_“Virgil, it’s me! Aren’t we friends?”_

_“I’m not so sure we are.”_

  


It started way before Thomas had even thought of making the Sanders Sides video. Virgil could not remember exactly when it started, it had probably always been there, even if he wasn’t aware of it yet. 

It started way before the other Sides had even thought of accepting him. They all saw him as the bad guy, the villain they needed to defeat, despite Virgil’s desperate attempts to connect to the other sides. They never seemed to want to accept him. And it upset Virgil. 

It started when he was in his room, moping about his failed attempts to talk to the other sides. He felt so lonely without anyone to talk to. The three main sides wouldn’t talk to him and the others hardly ever showed up. The only reason Virgil knew they were there, was because of their influence on Thomas. 

He should have known this would happen. He was weak. They were young. They were stupid. Well… he was stupid. He should have known. 

Virgil was sitting in his room, playing with the sleeves of his black hoodie. He had screwed up trying to talk to the other sides. Stupid fucking anxiety. The other sides must hate him by now, with his pathetic attempts to talk to them. He chickened out every time, too. They must hate him. 

“You know, they don’t want you there with them.”

Virgil looked up when he heard the voice and whipped his head around. Before him he saw a figure he had seen once or twice before. His head was turned, so the only half Virgil could see was the normal-looking side, but the anxious trait knew what was hiding. 

“What are you doing in my room?” he asked, his voice low. 

“Don’t worry,” Deceit answered with his trademark smirk. “I don’t mean you any harm, Anxiety.”

Virgil froze and looked at the figure in front of him. Deceit turned his head, so now the snake-like part of his face was revealed as well. It never failed to unsettle Virgil. 

“Why are you here?” Virgil tried one more time, never taking his eyes off of the side in front of him. 

“Calm down,” Deceit said calmly. “I’m just trying to help.”

“What did you… what did you mean with what you just said?” Virgil asked cautiously. He knew he shouldn’t trust Deceit this easily, but something inside of him had already accepted the side’s help. 

“I just said that the others don’t want you there.” Deceit slowly walked closer to Virgil, who instinctively took a few steps back. “They don’t _like_ you. They think you’re just holding Thomas back. You’re just his anxiety, after all. You could never do anything to help him.”

Those words felt like a dagger in Virgil’s chest. No, not just one, an endless amount of daggers that plunged themselves into his chest over and over again. Something in Virgil’s mind was yelling at him to not trust the side whose name was _Deceit,_ but a louder voice told him he was right. It made sense, after all. He was only Anxiety. He did nothing to help Thomas, he only caused him to miss out on things he could have enjoyed. It all made sense. That’s why the others never talked to him. They didn’t want him there.

“How do you… how do you know?”

“It’s not that difficult, really,” Deceit said, looking down at his awful yellow gloves. “It’s clear to see, Anxiety. They think you are the villain in their fairy tale.”

Virgil didn’t know if he should believe the side in front of him. He wasn’t a trustworthy side, but… his tale sounded so believable. It made perfect sense! Of course the prince, with his love for Disney would resent the one with opposite ideals. Of course, the morality would hate the one who held back Thomas and prevented him from doing what would make him happy. Of course logic would loathe the one whose reasoning does not follow any logic at all. Of course they wouldn’t want him there. 

Virgil sat down on his couch, taking deep breaths. This realisation nearly made him sick. He could have seen it coming from miles away, but it made him sick. Why couldn’t things have been easier? If he had been a little less powerful, if he was just normal fear… maybe the sides would want him around. 

“They do?” 

God, how could he have been so stupid? How could he have thought the others would like him? Of course they wouldn’t. No one could ever love Anxiety. 

“I’m sorry Anxiety, but yes, they do.” Maybe, now that he thought back on it, maybe he could have heard the insincerity I Deceit’s voice. Maybe he could hear the smugness in his voice that indicated his lies. Maybe. But at the time, Virgil was too upset to notice. He was too hurt, too shocked and in too much pain to realise. 

“They are right,” Virgil mumbled. “They’ve got to be right.”

“Of course they aren’t.” Deceit stepped a little closer to the anxious side as he spoke. “And you should show them how wrong they are.”

“How?”

“You give them what they want,” Deceit suggested. “You show them what you would be like if you _were_ the bad guy. Make them see that you aren’t that bad. Make them wish that they saw the true you earlier.”

“Will that even work?” Virgil asked, looking up again to meet Deceit’s burning gaze. 

“I promise you, it will,” Deceit said as he crouched down next to Virgil. “Trust me. Do you trust me, Anxiety?”

No. He should have said no. He should have known that someone called Deceit would not be trustworthy. And he knew. He knew all too well. But somehow, he wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe it was because of his vulnerability at the time, or maybe it was because Deceit had been friendlier to him than anyone had ever been. Maybe he was too naïve at the time. Virgil didn’t know. All that he knew, was that he sighed and looked down at his hands. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. 

Deceit sighed and placed one of his gloved hands on Virgil’s. 

“Anxiety,” he repeated. “Do you trust me?”

Virgil into Deceit’s eyes and sighed. Did he trust the other side? He didn’t know. But what did he have to lose? The other sides didn’t like him anyways. This plan could either make them learn to like him or they would see their ideas confirmed. And if that happened, nothing would change. They wouldn’t like him anyways. So he finally made a choice. 

“Fine,” he sighed. “I… I trust you.”

_First mistake_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: One small mention of spiders (in a metaphor), a few minor mentions of anxiety, toxic  
> friendship, manipulation, emotional abuse. Please tell me if I missed anything!

Just a few days later, Virgil finally saw a chance to talk to the other sides again. In those few days, he saw Deceit more often than usual, meaning that he actually _saw_ him. Usually, the deceptive side would stay hidden in his own room, only leaving it when he felt he was needed – and even when he was needed, he didn’t always appear; he only appeared when it was _absolutely essential_. But in these past few days, Deceit decided to show up in Virgil’s room at random moments. He never failed to startle the anxious side, who, admittedly, felt extremely uncomfortable being in the same room as Deceit. But he wanted to help, right? Could he really be that bad? He had appeared so genuine, so eager to help. It couldn’t just be an act, right?

The three sides were discussing this new app, called Vine. One of Thomas’ friends told him about the app; a place where you can post videos with a maximum length of six seconds. The sides were discussing whether it was wise for Thomas to start using the app. Morality and Creativity defended it, while Logic was still a little sceptical. He seemed to be losing the discussion when Virgil decided it was time for him to enter. He knew the other three did not like him there, but he was Thomas’ anxiety; he couldn’t _not_ show up in a discussion like this. He made sure to remember everything Deceit told him. Act like the villain they think you are. Use sarcasm and insults, belittling nicknames. Keep your guard up at all times, don’t let them get to you. Act like a villain. 

“Don’t tell me you really think this is a good idea,” Virgil said as soon as he showed up. The three sides all flinched as soon as he started speaking. The anxious side frowned, but didn’t let this reaction distract him from the part he was playing. “Do you really think it is a good idea to put Thomas’ face out there, where everyone can see and judge him? Those videos are going to be up forever.”

“Well, look at that,” the prince scowled, “it’s Doctor Evil himself.”

“You’re the creative side, but _that’s_ all you can come up with?” Virgil scoffed as he crossed his arms. Deceit had told him to stop his nervous habit of toying with the sleeves of his black hoodie, as that would not make him look like the character they wanted him to look like; it would give away his nerves. Virgil found it was hard to stop it completely, so he decided that he didn’t have to stop as long as he could hide it. 

“I was not prepared!” the creative side retorted, trying to save face. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, should I have announced my arrival beforehand, so you could prepare something better?”

“Anxiety,” Morality said softly. His voice sounded… _shocked_? Like he was surprised to see the anxious side in a conversation like this. “What’s up with you?”

The other sides frowned at him as well. Virgil didn’t look at them, very aware of their burning stares. He was afraid that he would get anxious if he looked directly at them and it would ruin their plans. 

“What do you mean ‘What’s up with me’?” Virgil questioned, his voice uncharacteristically low. “Nothing is up with me. I’m just myself.”

“But-”

“There’s nothing to say here, _angelcakes_ ,” Virgil sneered, as he forced his lips to form a smirk like the one he had seen on Deceit. It felt wrong, but it would be worth it if the other sides would finally accept him. “I’ve always been like this. Never noticed it?”

“It’s hard to notice anything when you’re never around,” the prince mumbled. Virgil turned around to face the royal, who looked at him with an eyebrow raised. 

“Well, it’s hard to be around when I know I’ll be greeted with a mediocre nickname every time,” the darker side responded smugly. If he could, he would take those words back immediately. It felt so wrong, so unlike him. It hurt him to have to do this. But Deceit had promised him that it would work. It had to work. And if it wouldn’t work… he still had to try it. 

“I’m surprised you managed that whole sentence,” Creativity retorted icily, crossing his arms as he smirked at Anxiety. “I’ve hardly heard anything but incoherent blabbering leave your mouth.”

Virgil had to admit, that one hurt. A little bit too much. He had been right, hadn’t he? The other Sides all hated him after his attempts to talk to them. They hated him, he knew it! He had been too desperate, he reasoned. He tried too hard, and that was why the others hated him. If only Deceit’s plan would succeed. 

Suddenly, Virgil snapped himself out of the state of near-trance he had positioned himself in. If felt like he had remained there, frozen, for ages, while in reality, it hadn’t been much more than a few short seconds. The anxious side looked at the prince as he searched his entire mind for a proper response. It was difficult for him to come up with insults like these; it felt so unnatural to him. For a few moments, Virgil considered giving up on the plan. He couldn’t do this, he wasn’t good at pretending to be the villain. It wasn’t a part that fit him, he would be better off by playing a character on the background. But Deceit’s promise lingered at the back

“Well, I haven’t heard anything intelligent out of your mouth either, so I think we’re even.”

“Guys-”

“I think there are more important matters at hand than this futile bickering,” Logic interrupted Morality, adjusting his glasses. “So why don’t we focus on that instead?”

Virgil rolled his eyes, but didn’t reply. The creative prince, on the other hand, seemed to remember their discussion and a glimmer returned in his eyes as he shared all the ideas he had already come up with. 

The exchange lasted a while, with Morality and Creativity naming all the pros to their ideas, with Virgil and Logic countering it where they saw an opportunity. Every minute that passed by, the anxious side grew more uncomfortable with this act. It just wasn’t him, and it felt so wrong. 

When Virgil felt like he could not stay there any longer, he sunk out as soon as he could. Instead of going to his own room, he immediately went to Deceit’s. Virgil absolutely hated Deceit’s room. It was a giant maze of mirrors, with seemingly no exit. To be surrounded by his own face, everywhere you go, that was something Vigil loathed. But he had no choice. 

“Deceit?” Virgil called, looking around if he could see the other side. But of course, he only saw his own pale face. “Deceit, where are you?”

The anxious side tried to look anywhere but at his own reflection. He hated being in this room and he hoped he could be out of here as soon as possible. It took a while before Deceit finally approached Virgil. Due to the lack of a reflection, Virgil never saw the deceitful side approaching. He just had to wait until he would finally approach the other.

“Anxiety,” a voice suddenly called behind him. Virgil flinched as he turned around, stumbling over his own feet as he did. “I am _so_ glad to see you. Why are you here?”

“I- eh, I just talked to the… the others.” The anxious side cursed himself for stumbling over his words as he answered the question. 

“That’s great!” Deceit answered with a smile on his face. “How did it go?”

“I- I don’t know,” Virgil admitted. “Morality noticed my change in behaviour but the others, they- they didn’t change anything in their behaviour, I think.” 

The anxious trait looked down as he talked. He wanted to get out of this room as soon as possible. Why did Deceit have to have a room this… horrifying? It suited him in a way, but Virgil hated it. 

“Of course nothing changed yet!” Virgil heard a voice calling out, echoing through the room, a little too loudly for the other side. He flinched, but Deceit hardly seemed to notice. “Anxiety, it’s been _years_ since you appeared as the side you are today! They formed an opinion of you long ago, it will take more than just a few minutes to change that! Don’t worry, okay?”

Virgil heard heavy footsteps following Deceit’s words, meaning that the other side had stepped closer. The anxious side carefully looked up, facing his friend. The emotions on Deceit’s face were difficult to discern, but Virgil had learned this already in the few days since they had started… ‘hanging out’. Virgil wouldn’t call what the two of them did hanging out, but there was no better describe whatever it was they did. It had only been a few days, but it was long enough that Virgil started recognizing the other side’s habits. However, it hadn’t been long enough to establish exactly how comfortable Virgil felt around the other side. He was unpredictable and Virgil was still unsettled by the snake-like half of his face. But Deceit tried to help him. He talked to him, gave him more time than any of the others would have done. He knew what Virgil wanted and he tried to help him achieve this. 

But even then, Virgil just wasn’t sure what to think.

“Are you sure?” he eventually asked hesitantly. His soft voice was a total opposite to Deceit’s loud and confident one. Every passing moment, Virgil became more and more anxious and he just wished that this exchange would be over soon and he would be able to leave. 

“Very sure,” Deceit spoke, placing a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. The latter looked at the gloved hand that rested on his shoulder. He wasn’t exactly used to contact like this and he was trying to determine whether he liked it or not. But before he could come to the conclusion, Deceit started talking again, distracting Virgil. “Anxiety, please, I’d almost say you didn’t trust me.”

Virgil looked up again, his eyes meeting Deceit’s. Even now, his snake-like eye unnerved Virgil. There was something so intimidating about it, and the anxious side hated looking at it directly. It wasn’t just a human eye that resembled a snake’s eye, Virgil was sure that it _was_ a snake’s eye. He was convinced that, if you would hold a picture of Deceit’s eye next to a picture of an eye of a snake, you wouldn’t be able to tell the two apart. And that was what he thought was so terrifying about it. It just wasn’t human. 

“You… _do_ trust me, don’t you, Anxiety?” Deceit asked with a frown, having noticed Virgil’s silence. This question pulled Virgil out of his trance-like state and he looked at the side in front of him for a few moments, processing the question. When he finally understood the question that had been asked, Virgil ran a hand through his hair. He wasn’t sure what the correct answer was to this question. A voice in his head kept yelling at him to turn away and to leave while he could. To get out before he got stuck in this spider’s web. But something else told him to just nod and agree. Deceit wanted to help him, of course he could be trusted right? Or maybe the voice just didn’t want to lose someone who might be a friend. 

Of course, Virgil should have listened to the first voice. He should have turned away. But he didn’t. Instead, he just sighed. 

“Yeah,” the anxious side muttered as he dropped his hand again. “Yeah, I do trust you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: emotional abuse, toxic friendship, manipulation, some guilt tripping, gaslighting

“Anxiety,” Deceit mumbled out of nowhere. “I was thinking.”

It had been a few weeks since the two sides had come up with their plan and they had gradually started to hang out more. Virgil grew more comfortable with the other side, even though he still was unsettled by his snake-like face. 

“Thinking?” Virgil asked, looking up from the book he held in his hands. He was trying to read, but his mind kept wandering and he soon gave up. Meanwhile, Deceit sat next to him on the couch, toying with a deck of cards he had conjured up out of nowhere. “About what?”

“Do you have a name? A name that’s not just ‘Anxiety’, I mean.”

Virgil looked at the side next to him with slight hesitation. Of course, he had a name, but he wasn’t sure he was comfortable with sharing it. It wasn’t anything personal; it had been a few weeks since the two started hanging out and Virgil considered Deceit a friend by now. But he just wasn’t… _comfortable_ with sharing his name. He didn’t mind it; it was his name after all, but he never felt like it suited him. But Deceit was his friend, right? Wouldn’t it be appropriate to tell him his name? He couldn’t keep calling him Anxiety for the rest of their lives. Right? 

“Well… yeah,” Virgil nodded. “But I-”

“You don’t want to tell me,” Deceit filled in. “Is that it?”

“Not exactly,” the anxious side said, scratching the back of his head as he thought of an appropriate response. He was embarrassed to say that he didn’t want to share his name. Especially because he didn’t know why he was so averse to it. “I guess it’s…”

“Then why won’t you tell me?” Deceit had stopped paying attention to the cards in his hand and looked at Virgil. “Aren’t we friends? Don’t you trust me?”

“That’s not it, Dec,” Virgil sighed, now pinching the bridge of his nose. How was he going to explain what he felt? He had no idea how to phrase it, not even to himself. “I guess I’m just… anxious about it. If that makes sense?”

“Well, you _are_ Anxiety,” the deceitful side stated, as he leaned over just a little more, placing one hand on top of Virgil’s. “But if you trust me… then why won’t you tell me your name? You know you can trust me, right?”

“I just don’t… fine.” Virgil took a deep breath, trying to work up the courage to utter that one word. Finally, he decided that it would be best to just get it out as quickly as possible, so he couldn’t change his mind before he got to it. So with one last deep breath, he decided to blurt it out. “It’s Virgil.”

A short moment of silence followed and Virgil looked at the side next to him, awaiting his response nervously. 

“Virgil,” Deceit repeated. “I… _love_ your name.”

“Really?” Virgil raised an eyebrow. That was one reaction he had not expected. He did not know why he had expected Deceit to dislike his name, but he did. He had expected anything other than this.

“Yeah, it… it _fits_ you.” 

“Oh, thanks… I guess,” Virgil said with a nod. “How about you? What’s your name?”

“I don’t have one,” Deceit answered immediately, as if he had expected this question. “You see, you… represent a bigger part of Thomas. You can influence his actions directly. Most of my work is just in the background. That’s why I don’t have a name, unlike you.”

“Really?” the anxious side looked at the other. He had never heard of that. But to be fair, he didn’t talk to the others enough to think about it. “So, do the others have names?”

“I don’t think the _others_ do, but I’m sure the three mains do.”

Virgil nodded. He had never really thought about the others’ names. He had never gotten close enough to one of them to wonder. They were just their traits; there was nothing but Creativity, Morality, Logic. He had a name and surely, the others did too. He just never thought about it. 

“So… only the… _important_ sides have names?” Virgil wondered softly. “So you’re saying I-” 

Something didn’t really make sense. He didn’t know what, though. Maybe it was the fact that this suggested that he was important. Because he couldn’t be important, right? He was just Anxiety. Or maybe it was the fact that not everyone had a real name. Because how would be determined who was more important than another? _Who_ determined that? How did it work?

“Well, I’m not sure _important_ is the right word,” Deceit mused. “But Thomas is very anxious, so you _do_ have a large influence on him.”

Virgil nodded. That made more sense, he realised. Of course, he couldn’t be important. Not like that. Because how could anxiety ever be important?

A few months passed. Virgil’s efforts didn’t change anything about the sides’ attitude towards him. If anything, he’d say they started liking him _less._ But Deceit told him to not give up; that eventually, they would see the mistake they had made by judging him. He just needed to give it some time. 

But soon it was December and still, nothing had happened. Virgil was about to give up all hope and stop trying altogether, even though there was something at the back of mind that told him to keep trying. Maybe he just had to change a few small things about his own attitude, he thought. He never wanted to hurt Thomas anyways, he just wanted to protect him. If he explained that, surely the others would understand that he had no malicious intent, right? It was a great idea, but there was one major flaw. 

It would mean Virgil had to talk to the others. And that was something he knew he wasn’t good at. But, the anxious side told himself, even if they would never like him… he wasn’t alone anymore. He had Deceit now. There was someone to talk to. He wasn’t alone. 

And when his birthday came around, Virgil hardly took notice. He never celebrated his birthday, mostly because there had never been anyone to celebrate his birthday with. He had been too anxious to leave his own room, so he wasn’t sure the other sides even knew that it was his birthday. Virgil didn’t care, though. He had never seen the importance of birthdays anyways. 

But apparently, this year was different. Virgil had planned to spend the day in his room, listening to music and reading a book he had conjured up a while back – _the Trance Formation of America_ – when Deceit had appeared out of nowhere. 

“Virge,” he called. Virgil flinched at the sudden noise, as he hadn’t seen the other side appear in his room. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s fine,” Virgil replied softly, closing the book in his hands. “What is it?”

“Isn’t it your birthday today?” Virgil frowned at this question, surprised that Deceit would know. He hadn’t told the other on purpose, because he didn’t want his birthday to be a _‘thing_ ’. It felt wrong to do that and it would draw the attention to him, which he hated for obvious reasons. 

“Yeah,” the anxious side confirmed. “It is, how do you- how do you know that?”

“It doesn’t matter how I found out,” the other said as he sat down next to Virgil, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“It never came up,” Virgil lied. “And besides, I don’t know yours either.” 

“Is that the actual reason, Virgil?” 

Virgil looked at the other side, who studied his friend’s face. His brown eyes met Deceit’s two different ones. His stare almost seemed to burn a hole in his soul, like they were searching for an answer. Virgil sighed and, after a short debate, decided to tell the truth anyways. He figured that Deceit, being responsible for any lies Thomas told, would know if he was lying, so it would be best to tell the truth.

“Well, no,” he confessed, “I just didn’t want to say it because…”

“Virgil, you know I love you, right?” Deceit interrupted. “And I just… I feel like you don’t trust me enough, you see?”

“What? That’s ridiculous!” Virgil protested. How could Deceit even think that? He was his only friend, the only one he was comfortable enough with to keep a full conversation going. And the fact that he didn’t feel like celebrating his birthday didn’t mean anything about him not trusting Deceit. Did he give off that vibe? Was it the way he behaved around his friend? Didn’t he talk to the other enough? Was he too reserved? His slight disbelief quickly turned to panic, though. He was afraid to lose his first and only friend. He couldn’t be alone again, he had finally started talking to someone after years of isolation and he was afraid to be confined to that isolation again. “That’s not- I don’t- what gave you the idea?”

He stumbled over his words as he tried to phrase the thoughts that clouded his mind. 

“It’s just… when you hold back information like this, I feel like you think I’m not important enough to tell, you know?” Deceit explained, his voice sweet as honey. He took Virgil’s hands in his and the anxious side looked at their intertwined hands, his mind working hard to process all of this. “Aren’t we friends?” 

“Of course we are friends!” the anxious side quickly reassured the other. 

“Then why are you keeping things like these from me?”

“I- I didn’t know it was this important to you.”

“Why, of course it is,” Deceit said softly, trying to get Virgil to look him into the eyes. “We _are_ friends, after all. I’m just afraid that this friendship doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me.”

“No, you… you _are_ important to me,” Virgil objected. “Why would you think otherwise?”   
Virgil wondered. Why on earth would Deceit think that? They were friends, of course the other meant a lot to him! Maybe he didn’t show it enough? He had never been this close with anyone before, was he doing something wrong? 

“It’s just that you never really tell me anything,” the deceitful trait clarified “and I feel like I hardly see you. You spend so much time with the other sides, too.”

“Yeah, well… I’ve been busy with taking care of Thomas,” Virgil said, hoping to convince his friend. “And I guess that I don’t talk about a lot of things is because it just… feels- I don’t really- I don’t know, it’s hard.”

“And I understand that,” Deceit cooed sweetly as he released one of Virgil’s hands and ran a hand through the anxious side’s brown hair. “You are Anxiety, it’s understandable that it’s hard for you.”

“But,” Virgil frowned, finally looking at the deceitful trait in front of him, “I thought you just said it upset you, and-”

“It’s not like that, Virgil,” Deceit wanted to reassure his friend, “trust me. You must have misinterpreted me.”

“But-” Something didn’t make sense to him. Something didn’t add up, but he wasn’t sure what was wrong. It was a familiar nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him that _something_ was wrong, but he quickly brushed it off as his anxiety. After all, most of his job consisted of pointing out possible flaws and dangers in anything, even if he didn’t know _what_ was wrong. Surely, his was the same thing. 

“Don’t worry about it Virge,” Deceit quickly interrupted him. “Trust me. I can assure you that I would never say anything like that, okay? Do not worry.”

Finally, Virgil nodded. He probably did misinterpret Deceit’s words. After all, as Thomas’ anxiety, he often analysed everything anyone said, taking things way too far just to be sure nothing was off. And sometimes, that led to him making mistakes. This would probably be the same situation. It did make sense, he was still Anxiety, after all. 

“Okay,” he finally nodded. “I do trust you, Dec. I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have doubted you, I should-.”

“It’s not your fault,” Deceit repeated one more time. “You’re just doing your job as Anxiety, there’s nothing wrong with that. You can’t help it.”

“I- I guess.”

After that, the two remained silent for a while. Virgil had no idea what he could say to break the silence, he was to engrossed in his thoughts, trying to figure out what Deceit had actually said, instead of the meaning Virgil had assigned to those words himself. 

“Oh, Virgil?”

“Yeah?” Virgil looked up again to meet his friend, who had hardly moved in the time that had passed, like he, too, had been lost in thought before he finally spoke up.

“Happy birthday.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Self-loathing, some references to homophobia, manipulation, toxic friendship, emotional abuse

A few more weeks passed. Months, even. And still nothing changed. The sides didn’t behave differently around Virgil and Deceit was still his one friend. The anxious side had practically given up trying to get their attention and he just hung around them if there was something to discuss. They never seemed to appreciate his input, though. Which made sense to Virgil; to them, he _was_ the villain after all. When had he ever helped Thomas out? When had he ever done something to benefit him? He only held Thomas back.  

Suddenly, one day, one of Thomas’ old friends, Chad, messaged him. He said that he had seen one of Thomas’ vines. A vine where he – or, his character – dated another one of his male friends. And now, Chad had texted him. He wanted to know if that was real. If Thomas really was attracted to guys or if it was just an act. Normally, Thomas would have told him the truth straight away. He wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality, not at all. But he knew Chad wasn’t that accepting of it. There was a reason he had never come out to him yet. 

Chad’s text led to a discussion. What should Thomas do? If he told the truth to Chad and came out to him like this, there was a pretty big chance their friendship would be over. And even though Thomas knew that he shouldn’t have to cover up a big part of who he is, he was scared to lose Chad, because the man was still a good friend. 

All the sides were involved in this discussion. Even Deceit, who usually kept a low profile, was actively trying to convince Thomas of his point. None of the sides met each other; they were all hidden in their own room, where they were the most powerful, hoping that they would be the one Thomas would choose to listen to. 

For a few moments, the sides appeared to be able to convince Thomas to tell him the truth – because, like Creativity said: if Chad wouldn’t accept Thomas because he identified as gay, he didn’t deserve to be a friend of his. 

But that was when Deceit appeared in Virgil’s room. Virgil continued to tell Thomas that it wasn’t worth it. That he shouldn’t even think of lying; it would only make matters worse. And besides, he would have to come out some day. He couldn’t pretend to be straight his entire life. What if he got a boyfriend? What if he got married? He couldn’t keep his partner a secret, after all.

The anxious side hadn’t seen the other appear and he flinched as he suddenly heard a voice behind him. 

“Virgil, I think we should go over this,” he started as soon as he came in, hardly registering Virgil’s shock. 

“What do you mean?” Virgil asked, looking up at his friend as he approached. “What is there to go over?”

“This situation with Chad,” Deceit explained as he sat down next to Virgil. “I need to discuss this with you.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow as he turned to his friend. Deceit never really approached him to talk about things like this. In many cases, the two of them had different opinions on what was best for Thomas and they seemed to have silently accepted this. 

“What of it?”

“I have been thinking and I need help on this,” Deceit slowly started, “because what you are trying to get Thomas to do… I do not think that is the right thing to do.”

“You mean telling the truth isn’t the right thing?” Virgil asked in surprise. “But pretending to be someone Thomas is not is?”

“I understand this might sound backwards to you, Virgil,” the more dramatic side said, “but you need to hear me out, okay?”

“I don’t know, Dec,” Virgil sighed, “I mean lying, it-”

“I know lying makes you uncomfortable,” Deceit interrupted, “but can’t you see the bigger picture here? If Thomas tells Chad the truth, he’ll lose him. Chad will be angry with him, at the very least. And you don’t want that, do you?”

“Of course not.” Virgil was quick to say. “But can’t Thomas just talk and… try to explain it to him? If they’re friends… Chad should understand it, right?”

He knew where Deceit was coming from, he could even understand his point of view, but he just couldn’t agree. It wasn’t _right_. And from Anxiety’s point of view… lying could only cause bad things. If Chad finds out about Thomas’ sexuality – and he’s bound to find out some time – that would mean he would find out that Thomas lied to him before. It would only magnify their problems, instead of solving them. It just wasn’t right.

“Are you sure of that?” Deceit wondered, his eyes, again, seemed to burn a hole in Virgil’s soul. It was as if it was some characteristics these eyes possessed and it was quite disturbing, even after all this time. “We both know Chad. It won’t not be easy for him to process. And you don’t want to lose Thomas’ friends, do you?”

Virgil looked up into Deceit’s eyes for a few moments, before looking down. Of course, he didn’t want to lose Thomas’ friends. They were familiar, they were stable, a constant in Thomas’ life. They helped him calm down, knowing that Thomas wasn’t alone, that they were there for him if something went wrong. But he shouldn’t keep someone around by lying to them, should he? Creativity was right, if Chad couldn’t accept Thomas for who he was, then he didn’t deserve to be friends with him. But then again… Deceit was right too. Telling Chad the truth meant risking the possibility of losing him. And losing him meant losing one of the constants in Thomas’ life. Losing him meant having to adjust to a new situation again. But should Thomas lie, just because that would mean Virgil wouldn’t have to get used to another change again? Was that really worth it?

“No, I don’t,” the anxious side eventually replied, “but lying just… feels wrong. Especially about his sexuality. Thomas shouldn’t lie about this. Isn’t there another way?”

“Well, telling the truth isn’t an option unless you _want_ to lose him,” Deceit reasoned, “and the only other option is lying. There is no middle ground here, Virge.”

Virgil slowly looked up again, meeting Deceit’s eyes as he went over his options. He didn’t want Thomas to lie. Lying wasn’t good in itself, especially when it was something as big as _sexuality_. It was a pretty big thing about a person, and it was a huge thing to hide from another. 

But on the other hand, not coming out was, in a way, similar to lying, wasn’t it? One would still hide their sexuality from one another. So maybe… maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal after all. Thomas had hidden his true sexuality for a long time, would it really be that bad to hide it for a little longer?

It felt wrong, it felt so incredibly wrong to even _think_ it. If it was up to Virgil, he would have Thomas tell the truth. It would be scary, it would be uncomfortable, sure. But at least it would be over after that. But Deceit had reminded him of the consequences. And Virgil wasn’t quite sure he would be able to deal with the loss of a friend right now. And Thomas could still come out to Chad later, right? That wouldn’t be weird, would it?

“Fine,” Virgil sighed, running a hand through his hair, “I think you… you have a point.”

“Thank you, Virgil,” Deceit grinned, getting up from the couch.  “I knew I could count on you.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Chad is a jerk and obviously completely fictional. I also don’t know how accurate this is referencing Thomas’ vines but I was too lazy to do proper research here so. This is also a small filler chapter, just to get the plot and parallels going


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Toxic friendship, emotional abuse, manipulation, self-doubt, a little bit of self-deprecation, maybe some guilt-tripping. Let me know if I missed anything!

Months passed by. Years, even. Deceit’s behaviour slowly got worse and Virgil hardly noticed. Looking back at it, he knew he should have noticed at least something. He should have known that their friendship wasn’t healthy. But he was so caught up in the moment, so happy to finally have a friend and to be freed from his solitude that he never saw. Either because he didn’t know or because he didn’t _want_ to know. He never saw. 

It was years later when he finally knew. It had been going on for far too long, he knew that now, but it took him too long. Way too long. 

“What is happening up there?” Virgil mumbled, referring to the vague voices of Thomas and the three main sides. None of the sides really came up in the world outside of their mindscape. They only appeared in front of him in the case of an emergency. But Virgil hadn’t taken notice of anything big happening in Thomas’ life. No big projects or deadlines coming up, no embarrassing moments, nothing. He had no idea why the other sides would be up there with him at this moment. It didn’t make any sense. 

“They wanted to make a video, I believe,” Deceit informed lazily. “Something about it being original.”

Virgil nodded, but didn’t respond to this piece of information. If the sides wanted to do this, then that was cool. They had their own will, after all. It was all fine. They just had to do what they wanted to.

“You know what you should do?” Deceit asked after a long silence. “You should interfere in their videos. Then they will _have_ to notice you.”

“Are you sure that is a good idea?” Virgil frowned at his friend. If he could, he would join the other sides in their videos. It sounded good, he had to admit that. He just wasn’t sure if it would work out. The others probably wouldn’t want him there – they would have told him about their plans if they did. And besides, he would probably be too anxious to talk anyways. How was _he_ supposed to appear in a video that millions of people would be able to watch?

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” The anxious side looked at his friend, who hadn’t even looked up from the deck of cards he held in his hands as he spoke. Virgil was about to respond and tell Deceit exactly why it wouldn’t be a good idea, but the deceitful side already continued: “I know you have given up on trying to talk to the other sides, but hear me out. You go in there, act like a villain, as always. Thomas’ fans will love you, and maybe the others will see-”

“How?” Virgil interrupted. “What makes you think they would love me? I am _Anxiety_ , how would they like me? I only hold Thomas back, I am a burden to him, why would his fans even _like_ me?”

“Because you’re the villain,” Deceit responded with a smirk, “and everybody loves the villain.”

For a few moments, the anxious side looked at his friend. Sure, his words made sense, but they didn’t _make sense_. Something sounded wrong to him. He wasn’t exactly sure that he even wanted to go through with this. Was he comfortable enough with showing up in a video that millions of people would be able to watch? Thomas had already passed one million subscribers, and while not all of them would watch the video, all of them would be able to watch it. They would all see the notification, they would all contemplate watching it. And then there were the countless of others would used YouTube. Some of them would get the video recommended to them. Some of them would watch it. All of those people would _see_ him. They would judge him. And the other sides would only grow to hate him more. Would this really be the right decision? 

Deceit noticed Virgil’s hesitation and decided that he needed to encourage his friend just a little more to convince him of his point. 

“Don’t you think it will be worth it, Virgil?” Deceit questioned softly, finally looking up from the cards in his hands. “You know Thomas cares about his fans a lot. Maybe if he sees how much his fans will love you, he will understand that you _can_ be important, in a way. And if _he_ sees, you know the others will see it as well. What’s holding you back?”

“I just… I don’t know if I should do this,” Virgil said. “I’m not sure it is the right thing to do.”

“Well, it’s not like you haven’t interrupted any of their other conversations before,” Deceit reasoned. “Why would you not be able to do this?”

“Because this is not a private conversation,” the anxious side retorted, running his hands through his hair. “This is a video. It will be uploaded to the internet, where everyone can watch it. It’s not the same.”

“Don’t you want to befriend the other sides then?” the other asked. “I mean… it’s all up to you but… I thought you _wanted_ it.”

“I do,” Virgil quickly reassured his friend, like he had to justify anything to the other side. “I really do, but I don’t know if this is the right way to go. I don’t know if its smart for _me_ to appear on camera, not just for my own sake, but for Thomas’ as well. I just… I don’t know, Dec.”

“Well, you don’t _have_ to do it,” Deceit told Virgil as he looked down at his yellow gloves. Virgil still hated those things; they looked absolutely hideous. “It’s all up to you, Virge. If you don’t want to do it, you can sit it out. But of course, you will miss out on this opportunity.”

He had a point. Had Virgil known better, he would have called Deceit out on his manipulative tricks. But the problem was: he didn’t know any better. He was oblivious to all of it. Looking back at it, Virgil couldn’t believe he had been this stupid. He couldn’t believe he had put up with Deceit for as long as he had. He couldn’t believe he had been such an idiot. 

And Virgil, being the idiot he was back then, thought of Deceit’s words. He was right. Maybe, coming up in these videos would make the sides notice him more. Maybe Deceit’s plan would work. Maybe, the sides would see that he wasn’t a bad guy. And maybe it wouldn’t help. But if he never tried, he would never know. The mere idea of showing up in a video made him anxious, but there was a chance that he would regret missing out on this opportunity. But on the other hand, the voice telling him to stay in the mindscape, where everything was safe and sound was _extremely_ loud. 

“I know you’re right,” Virgil muttered, “but I don’t know if it’s the right thing for _me_.”

“I understand you, Virge,” Deceit said as he carefully grabbed one of Virgil’s hands. “Then at least think about it. I would _never_ want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. You know I only want what’s best for you, I just wanted to help you, Virgil.”

If only Virgil could have seen the irony in his words. But he had been so oblivious to it all. It was as if his mind had erased all memories of every single time Deceit had managed to talk him into something he was uncomfortable with. All the times he had said something that did in fact hurt, but Virgil brushed it off as the truth. Like his mind had justified Deceit’s actions because friends never hurt each other, right? That’s not what friendship is, right? It was as if his naïve little mind never thought of the fact that not all friendships were healthy. As if it was unaware to the existence of toxic friendships, or just blocked it out. Maybe it was just because he so desperately wanted to fit in somewhere that he subconsciously justified Deceit’s actions, just so he wouldn’t have to be alone, even if being alone would have been a better option here. He just didn’t see it.  

“I know,” the anxious side nodded eventually, “I know you do. But I just… I don’t know. But… I- I will think about it, okay? Just… just give me time.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Self-doubting, self-loathing, lots of insecurities, manipulation, toxic friendship

_Oh God, it had been a disaster._

Virgil had thought about Deceit’s words and he finally decided that it might be good to at least try showing up in one of Thomas’ videos, just to see what would happen. Not knowing what to do, he had portrayed himself as the villain he usually pretended to be. And while the fans seemed to love him, they loved him as a villain. If anything, this would only _maintain_ his image as the bad guy. And besides, Creativity was anything but excited to see him. Everything about the video just was a disaster. Virgil knew he wouldn’t change anything about the situation like this. Should he continue? Should he show up in more of the videos, trying to connect to the other sides a little more? Or should he just give up and accept the fact that they didn’t like him and would never like him? He was a villain after all, a bad guy, and a nuisance to Thomas and the rest of the sides. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be friends with the others. After all, what villain ever befriended the heroes? 

A few days after the video went up, Deceit came to Virgil’s room, to check on him, as the deceitful side claimed. For some reason, they were only ever in Virgil’s room. Sometimes, the two would talk in Deceit’s room for a change, but never in the common rooms. Virgil never really paid much attention to this, because he knew Deceit hardly showed his face. Maybe he should have thought more about this fact. 

“Virgil, I saw the video,” Deceit announced when he entered the anxious side’s room. “I _loved_ your performance.”

“Thanks, I guess.” Virgil had to admit that this compliment hardly reached him. Sure, it was good to hear, in a way, but it changed nothing about his current situation. 

“You don’t seem so excited about it, though,” Deceit noted as he sat down next to Virgil. The worry in his voice sounded so real, so genuine. It was another thing the other side was good at; faking emotions. Looking back at it, Virgil should have known it was fake. He wondered if Deceit even felt any actual emotions. It seemed unlikely. 

“I know,” Virgil muttered. He didn’t look at his friend, instead, he kept his eyes trained on his hands. “It’s just… I don’t… I don’t think it will help.”

“What do you mean?” the other asked, putting a gloved hand on one of Virgil’s wrists. 

“They’re only going to hate me even more,” the anxious side admitted, turning his head away from his friend. He hated talking about this and honestly, he would avoid it at all costs if he could, but he didn’t want Deceit to pry. Just coming out right away would be easier for the both of them. “They won’t like me like this. They just think of me as a villain and I know what your plan is, but I don’t think it will work. The fans just see me as a villain, too and I don’t think this will work out the way you thought. I know you will probably tell me to give it more time, but I just… I don’t know, Dec.”

“You are overthinking it, Virgil,” the deceitful side noted. “You were right; you do need to give it some time, that is all I can say. But, I _have_ been doing some thinking and I think I might know why all your attempts at connecting with the other sides have failed.”

“You do?” Virgil asked with a slight frown, finally looking up at his friend. “Why?”

“I think it’s because you aren’t one of them.”

“What do you mean, ‘not one of them’?” the anxious side questioned. “If I’m not one of them, then what-”

“I think you’re one of us.” Virgil was caught off guard by this interruption. It was quite clear among the sides that there were two groups. There were the main sides on the one hand, and on the other hand there were the _others_. Virgil had always considered himself to be one of the mains. The other sides were not represented in Thomas the way the main sides were, and Virgil had always thought that was the difference between the two groups. The other sides influenced Thomas, of course, but they were the silent force that helped Thomas in his decision making and his daily life. And everyone could agree that Virgil was _not_ a silent force. 

“What? No, that doesn’t make sense,” the anxious side said, slightly protesting, “I am an important factor of who Thomas is, unlike any of you guys.”

“But maybe that’s not what distinguishes us,” the other responded. 

“But I have a name,” Virgil reasoned. “And if you say you don’t, then maybe- wait. What do you mean? What else could distinguish us?”

“Think about it, Virgil,” Deceit started, “the other three are meant to _help_ Thomas, to guide him in the ‘right direction’, to help him make the correct choices. But you? You just hold him back. You don’t help Thomas like they do.”

“What?” That comment hurt. Did he really hold Thomas back? Virgil knew that he stopped him from making certain decisions, or going certain places. He knew the other sides blamed him for it and he knew it bothered Thomas at times as well. But he only wanted to protect Thomas. Was he… was he doing something wrong? Was he actually holding Thomas back? “Do you… do you think I do?”

“But of course!” Deceit responded, like it was the most obvious thing in the universe. Virgil frowned at this comment as the other side continued. “It’s not your fault, you didn’t _choose_ to be like this. But yes, you do hold Thomas back. But that is fine! It’s what anxiety is, after all. You’re just doing your job.”

Virgil nodded as he looked down. Those comments really hurt him. He knew Deceit was right, though. He hardly ever did something to help Thomas out. He only stopped him from doing what he loved, stopped him from going places he might enjoy. The other sides believed it too. That’s why they hated him in the first place, wasn’t it? But even though those words and comment made sense, there was something that still bothered him.

“But I… I don’t think I understand,” Virgil noted, “I’m nothing like you guys, right? I don’t… work like you do, I don’t… I can’t be I can’t be like you, right? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, maybe you don’t fit in with us either, then,” Deceit concluded. “Maybe you just don’t belong anywhere.”

“You think?” the anxious side asked softly. He didn’t want to believe this. He didn’t want to be alone, but if Deceit was right, if he didn’t fit in with the main sides, and if he didn’t fit in with the others… then where _did_ he fit in? Was he somewhere in the middle? A little bit of both, belonging a little in both categories, but not fully part of either? Or was he just an outsider, not belonging anywhere but on the outside, never participating in anything? What was he, if he wasn’t part of a group? Where did he fit in? 

“Well, it is just a guess, Virge,” the deceitful side reassured his friend. Virgil nodded and looked down again. He didn’t know what he wanted to believe. He had always thought he belonged with the other- with the main sides, but maybe… it did make sense that they hated him because he wasn’t a part of their group. Maybe it was even a comforting thing, to think that their behaviour had a reason, other than him just being anxiety. But Virgil never felt like he belonged with the other sides, and being on his own was even more terrifying than anything else he could think of. He didn’t know what he wanted to be true. 

The two sides sat in silence for a while. Virgil refused to meet his friend’s gaze as he thought about what the other had said. Deceit just studied the other side’s expressions, until eventually, he announced that he had to go. He didn’t want to be in Virgil’s room for too long, after all. He wanted to leave until the influence of the room got too much for him. Virgil nodded and let his friend leave. He hardly seemed to register it, as he was lost in his own thoughts, nearly drowning in them.

He hated how he doubted everything, how he overthought everything, he hated his insecurities and how he felt the need to fit in. If he could change it, he would. But he couldn’t. He was made like this and Virgil knew he had to deal with it, because he couldn’t change it. He hated that he was like this, but he couldn’t do anything about it. _It was who he was_. After all, he was just Anxiety.  


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Manipulation, emotional abuse, toxic friendship, some guilt-tripping, self-doubt

 With a sigh, Virgil entered Deceit’s room. He really didn’t want to be here, but there was something he needed to discuss with the other and he _had_ to discuss it now. It had been gnawing at his mind for a little while now and he just really, _really_ wanted to talk about it before it ate him alive. 

The anxious side kept his eyes focussed on the floor below him as he stepped inside the room. He had been here a few times since their first meeting there, but he had never gotten used to it. The room still unsettled him, even after so many years.

“Deceit?” His voice was shakier than he would have wanted it to be and Virgil closed his eyes for one moment, hoping this would be over soon. “Are you there? Dec?”

After a few moments of tense waiting, Deceit finally appeared, studying Virgil’s face intently. 

“Virgil,” he spoke slowly, “I wasn’t expecting you. Why are you here?”

“I… I wanted to talk,” the other side stammered, looking at his friend just so he wouldn’t have to look at the dozens of reflections around. “But do you… think we could do it… somewhere else, maybe?”

“Well, what do you want to talk about?” Deceit queried, resting his head on one of his gloved hands. “And why can’t we do it here? This is perfectly fine, isn’t it?”

“You see, it’s just… I’m not completely… _comfortable_ , I guess,” Virgil responded, scratching the back of his neck. “It’s nothing personal, but…”

“No, no, I get it,” Deceit was quick to interrupt, “I would _never_ want to force you to do anything you are uncomfortable with, Virge.”

Virgil frowned at this, doubting the statement Deceit had just made. He wasn’t exactly sure that this had been correct, but he didn’t want to say this out loud, because he feared that it would spark another discussion and he didn’t want to be distracted by this. He ran a hand through his hair as he looked down again. He really didn’t know what to do anymore. 

“Anything wrong, Virgil?” 

“No, no, I… it’s nothing,” the anxious side responded, looking up again. “Let’s just… can we- can we go to my room instead?”

“Of course,” Deceit nodded. Virgil smiled carefully and sank out immediately. He wanted to get out of that room as soon as possible. 

“Now, what did you want to talk about, Virgil?” Deceit sat down on the couch in his friend’s room, looking up at the other side expectantly. Virgil nodded and scraped his throat. 

“Yeah, I… was thinking,” he explained, scratching the back of his neck again, “about… this thing, in our… our friendship and I…” – he paused for a few moments and looked at his friend, who frowned up at him. The anxious side took another deep breath, trying to gather the courage he needed to proceed – “I just get the feeling that it… it’s not really… mutual. If you understand what I mean?”

“Virgil… what are you saying?” Deceit asked with a frown. “Do you think I’m a bad friend?”

“No, no, I don’t,” Virgil rushed, taking a few steps closer to his friend. “I really don’t. I just feel like… you’re not as… _involved_ , if that makes sense.”

“Virge, buddy,” the deceitful side mumbled, slowly getting up. His eyes never left Virgil’s. “How can you say that? Everything I’ve done was only to help you! What would even give you that idea?”

“I… it’s just…” Virgil struggled to find the right words as he looked into his friend’s eyes. He tried to find the words to describe what he was feeling, but right now, he was unable to even explain it to himself. Even though he had gone over his points many times before he visited Deceit, he had completely forgotten all of it. “I don’t know, Dec. I- I just feel like I…”

“Are you just throwing around accusations?” There was something odd about Deceit’s voice. Something distant, something… _weird_. Virgil couldn’t quite explain it, but he noticed it. “If you say that you don’t know… how did you come to the conclusion?”

“It’s complicated,” Virgil breathed, “and-”

“I love you, Virgil,” the deceitful side continued, “and it really hurts me that you think that I don’t care. Because I _do_ care, Virgil.”

The anxious trait sighed and covered his face with his hands as he took a few steps back. He didn’t know what to think anymore. He didn’t mean to hurt his friend, he just… got an impression over the past few weeks, months, years. Over time, he had gotten mixed signals from Deceit and it confused him, he didn’t know what to think. Sometimes, he felt like Deceit hardly cared about what happened to the other. Yet sometimes, it was as if Virgil was the only one who mattered to him. It was confusing. But maybe, Virgil thought, maybe there was something to affect this? Deceit said he _did_ care, so… if that was the truth… surely Deceit would have bad days, too. Maybe that was a reason for his behaviour? If he did care… he said he cared. So that would mean he… cared, right?

“God, I’m sorry,” he muttered, softly. “I didn’t mean to… I’m such a mess, I’m sorry.”

“You’re always so sensitive,” Deceit mumbled quietly. Virgil thought he detected a little bit of harshness in his friend’s soft voice. 

“What?” Virgil moved his hands away from his face, so he could look at Deceit a little better. He wasn’t quite sure if this comment was meant to be an insult or not. Surely, being sensitive wasn’t a bad thing, right? But if it wasn’t, why did Deceit sound so annoyed when he said it? Had he done something wrong? Was he being too much, too… _sensitive_? 

“It is like I said, Virge,” Deceit shrugged, “you’re just so sensitive.”

“What do you mean with that?”

“Calm down, Virgil.” Deceit raised his two hands as he took a few careful steps closer to his friend, like he was trying to calm the other down. “There’s nothing _wrong_ with that. You’re Anxiety, of course you are sensitive. That’s not bad. It’s just that it can get… _irritating_ sometimes.”

Virgil took a few deep breaths as he stared at his friend. He wasn’t quite sure what to think of this, to be fair. What did Deceit mean? How was he irritating? Was it his self-deprecating that was irritating?

“But I-”

“Don’t worry, Virgil. It’s okay.” The deceitful side carefully placed his gloved hands on Virgil’s shoulders, trying to calm him down, it seemed. Virgil bit his bottom lip as he looked down. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled softly. “I just… I don’t know.”

“It’s fine, Virgil,” Deceit said, “I don’t expect you to change, or anything. It is okay. You can’t help it that you are the way you are, after all.”

Virgil sighed and nodded. He had no energy to keep up an argument like this. There were so many things he wanted to tell Deceit, but he could not get himself to pronounce any of them. He would get to it eventually, Virgil told himself. But he would have to prepare himself for it. He always struggled with things like this, so he would have to take his time. 

The next time that Virgil saw a chance to talk about this with Deceit, was a few days later. He was in his own room, watching Thomas as he was talking to Joan. They had mentioned something about New Year’s resolutions, as the end of the year was approaching and they were curious if Thomas was planning on making any resolutions, sparking a short discussion between the two. 

After the discussion, Thomas started thinking about this. Should he make some New Year’s resolutions? He had actually forgotten about it until now. Maybe it would be good to set himself a few goals for the next year, he reasoned – that was Logic, obviously. It would be good for him to have something to work on. And while Virgil appreciated the _thought_ of resolutions, he knew there was no way Thomas could keep it up. He had done this before and he had never managed to fulfil his resolutions. In a few weeks, it would all be forgotten again, leading to a disappointment when he remembered them a few months later. It was best for him to just let it go for this year. And the years after that, too. 

“Look, there is no way you’re going to be able to pull this off,” Virgil spoke softly. “You know what you did last year, and the year before that, and the year before _that_. What makes you think this year will be different? You know you’re not going to do this, so why even bother making that list?”

Virgil paused for a few moments, and when he opened his mouth to continue talking, his mouth was covered by his own hand. And he knew he wasn’t the one to initiate it. He slowly turned around to see Deceit standing there, with his signature smirk and one of his hands balled into a fist.

“It’s alright, Virgil,” Deceit said as he edged closer to the screen, “let me do the talking here, okay? It will be fine.”

Deceit then proceeded to tell Thomas to do the exact opposite of what Virgil had wanted him to do, giving him all the pros to making a list of resolutions. The anxious side frowned, but he knew he was unable to do anything to counteract Deceit’s words. So, he just waited until the deceitful side had finished talking to Thomas. He could do nothing but wait as the other convinced Thomas to do exactly what he wanted to prevent the man from doing. Finally, Deceit dropped his hand again and Virgil was able to do the same.

“What was that for?” he questioned immediately. Sure, Deceit had shut him up like this a few times before, but he had never done it to influence Thomas’ decision-making like this. Not this directly, at least. 

“I just had to interfere here,” Deceit justified his actions. “It will be good for him. It keeps him motivated to do _anything_ with his life.”

“But you know he won’t stick to those resolutions,” Virgil protested, “it’s useless to make then in the first place!”

“But it _motivates_ him,” Deceit repeated himself. “It is _good_ for Thomas. Don’t you want the best for him, Virgil?”

“Of course I do,” the anxious side told his friend, “I’m a part of him, just like you are. Of course I want the best for him, I just… don’t think _this_ is the best.”

“Are you sure that is what you think?” the other asked. “Don’t you think you might be overreacting? I know you are Anxiety and you want to protect Thomas, but you can overdo it, Virgil. Setting himself some goals for the next year might help him. And surely, you do want to help him? You don’t want to hold him back more than you already do, do you?”

“Of course I don’t!” Virgil played with one of the zips of his hoodie as he thought about Deceit’s words. He knew Deceit had a point somewhere. Of course, he wanted to help Thomas, of course he wanted him to be happy and in a good place. But on the other hand, this felt wrong. Not just the situation with the resolutions, but Deceit’s attitude in general. It made him think of the conversation they had a while back about their friendship. This just… didn’t _feel_ right.

“Sometimes friends need to make sacrifices to help each other out, Virgil,” Deceit tried, “that’s just how it works.”

“That’s funny, because I feel like I’ve made more sacrifices for you than you have for me.” Virgil crossed his arms in front of his chest as he stared at his friend. It wasn’t the first time that the two of them had a similar discussion and Virgil couldn’t help but notice the similarities with the past few times. He had never forced Deceit to compromise the way Deceit had. He had never cut him off like Deceit had. He was starting to feel like Deceit asked more out of him than he asked out of Deceit, and it was constantly nagging at him. It didn’t feel right, but Deceit was his only real friend here. He didn’t want to be all alone again, and apparently, having a bad friend was better than having _no_ friend.

“I might have asked you to compromise multiple times,” Deceit started slowly, “but I have had to make compromises, too, Virgil. It would be _unreasonable_ for me to expect you to change your own goals while I would not do the same, wouldn’t it?”

“It would,” Virgil agreed, “that’s why I think it’s weird you always seem to expect me to compromise while you hardly do the same for me.”

“I only asked something from you if it was in Thomas’ favour,” the deceitful side explained, staying awfully calm. “And besides, you never ask anything from me. It is kind of difficult to _sense_ when you want me to do something for you, Virge. I am _willing_ to compromise, if you would _ask_ me.”

Wait.

Was that true? It was true that Virgil had never actually asked Deceit to help him out, instead of pursuing his own ideals. He just never really… _thought_ of it. Oh God, had he blamed Deceit for something that was actually his own fault? _He_ never offered Deceit to change his own position on a specific situation, so it would be irrational to expect Deceit to do that, wouldn’t it? 

“I- I guess you’re… right,” he mumbled softly, pinching his bottom lip absentmindedly. “Guess I never thought of it like that.”

He chuckled softly. There was a part of him that didn’t want to believe this statement. That still believed that it wasn’t his fault. But it was unreasonable to expect Deceit to offer a compromise when he didn’t do the same himself. He couldn’t ask that of his friend.                

“That’s fine, Virgil,” Deceit smiled. “I understand. If you want me to help you out, just ask, okay? I can _assure_ you that I am more than willing to do so.”

Virgil nodded slowly, but something didn’t make sense to him. As Anxiety, he noticed changes in someone’s behaviour, little tics and habits that might give something away. And yes, he tended to overanalyse and he wasn’t always right, but he was pretty sure that whatever Deceit was doing right now signified that he hid something. Or that he wasn’t fully honest with Virgil, or that there was a secret condition he hadn’t disclosed. Virgil didn’t know what was bothering him, but _something_ did. After nearly four years, he had grown accustomed to most of Deceit’s habits and he was quick to recognize that something didn’t make complete sense. Something was different. But instead of mentioning this to his friend, Virgil decided to keep it to himself from now. Maybe he could discover what was wrong. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of toxic friendship and manipulation, mention of physical abuse, mention of emotional abuse, self-deprecation, self-doubt

A few weeks had passed and Virgil never brought the issue up again. A few days after his confrontation with Deceit, he forgot about his concerns, pushed aside as he focussed on Thomas’ progress. It offered a good distraction, really. It was something to keep him busy. 

One particular morning – not long after he had finally managed to pull himself out of his bed – the anxious side felt some invisible power tugging at him. He was just working on the smudged eyeliner when this happened and, as he was not prepared to be summoned like this, he was quickly pulled out of his own room and into the real world, met by Thomas, and a weirdly dressed Logic and Morality. 

He looked around, taking in the change in scenery for a moment before he realised what had happened. That was odd. The others never summoned him. Virgil was about to ask what was going on, but then he remembered the part he played around the other sides wasn’t his own self. Right. He had to get into the mindset of the villain him. 

“Ehm, rude much?” he spat, trying his best not to show his confusion as he turned to Logic – honestly, what was he wearing? What did he want to achieve by wearing… that? “I was just touching up my eyeshadow.”

“You look in a mirror to put that on?” Virgil didn’t know why, but that comment hurt. It wasn’t anything too horrible, but it still stung to hear what the others thought of him, especially concerning his appearance. Even if it was just his eyeshadow. 

Right. Villain. He couldn’t show that it hurt. He couldn’t show weakness. 

“Did you actually look into a mirror when you put _that_ on?” Virgil countered, gesturing to Logic’s attire. He seriously had no idea why the logical side put that on. It just looked… horrible. Logic seemed unimpressed by Virgil’s comment and the anxious side decided to move the conversation forwards, hoping to be able to end this video as soon as possible so he could go back to his room and do nothing.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, do you have any quarters?” Virgil looked at Morality, who carried a dollar in his hands – and what was up with these outfits they were wearing? Did it have anything to do with the video at all? Was there even a purpose? The anxious side didn’t even have time to come up with a good remark to make, because Logic quickly continued with his own part.  

“I have grounds to suspect that you are the cause of Thomas’ procrastination,” the logical side explained

“Not that I’m disagreeing with you,” Virgil replied, trying to keep up his façade, while all he wanted was to get this over with and retreat to his room again. “But what are these grounds?”

“Thomas has related to me that he’s _anxious_ about how his video will turn out,” Logic started, glancing over at Virgil, who just stared at him blankly, waiting for him to get to the point. “So rather than start it, he is avoiding it. It’s _you_ , Anxiety, isn’t it? You’re the one causing him to worry about those things.”

“Avoiding things is my specialty,” Virgil admitted, ironically avoiding the question. “I’m the one who earned him his Temple Run record of 2012.”

Following that statement, Thomas asked for tips on how to avoid procrastination and when Logic and Morality started giving him these tips, Virgil automatically zoned out, waiting for some cue to tell him that the video was over and he could go back to his room. He only made a few quick comments, but paid little attention to whatever the others were saying. 

“Well, case closed,” Logic finally concluded just before he made to leave. “Elementary my dear… daddy- no.”

Ah, so he was supposed to be Sherlock, Virgil deduced. He could have expected as much, really. This was not the first time that Logic had brought up the detective. But Virgil paid no attention to this discovery, as he was just glad to hear that his part was done and he could leave. However, just as he was about to sink out, Thomas protested, saying that he wasn’t sure that the problem was solved. Great, so that meant that this video wasn’t over yet. Virgil grumbled under his breath as he returned to his normal position, deciding it would be best for him to stay there in case anyone needed him again. 

“Thomas, are you implying that logic was not sound?” the logical trait protested, seemingly offended by the man’s comment. “Anxiety’s the antagonist.”

Whoop, there it was. The stabbing remark that reminded him that the other sides saw him as nothing but a villain in their perfect fairy tale. He knew that they did, yet every reminded hurt him, even after so many years. He just wanted them to see that he wasn’t as bad as they thought he was, but apparently, it was all in vain. 

“I’m not always the bad guy,” Virgil mumbled, expecting his protest to go unnoticed by the three others, but to his surprise, Morality seemed to have heard him and felt the need to reassure him that he wasn’t. Whether that was genuine or not, Virgil wasn’t sure, but he decided to believe that is was genuine. It made him feel at least a little bit better about himself. He knew that Morality might not have been serious, or maybe he just said it to make him feel better but… why would he do that? He could just have contradicted him. But he didn’t. Did that mean that Morality cared about his feelings? He didn’t exactly lie, so… what did it mean? And what was up with the nickname? Big guy? What did that even mean? 

The rest of the video was just… confusing. Virgil never really knew what the other sides thought of him and it made him insecure about his position in the group. The anxious side was relieved when he could finally sink out again. 

As soon as he returned to his room, Virgil grabbed his phone. He was in need of a good distraction after this video. He didn’t know why, but the fact that he was Logan’s first suspect bothered him. It hadn’t been a strange deduction, it actually made sense. Based on the information they had at that moment, it sounded perfectly reasonable, but still… it bothered him. and Princey’s comments hurt him more than he wanted to show the other sides. He hated the fact that the three – and Creativity most of all – seemed so… _disgusted_ by him. He wasn’t as bad as they thought he was, but there was no way to convince them of his point. 

And so, he turned to Tumblr, hoping that it would provide him with the distraction he so desired. And for a moment, it sufficed. But finally, he stumbled upon a post that grabbed his attention in a way that was different from most posts he saw. 

It started talking about abuse in platonic relationship. The anxious side frowned and bit his lip nervously as he continued reading. 

  * _if your friend hits you, for whatever reason, they are abusive._



Well… at least Deceit didn’t do that, Virgil noted as he read the first bullet point. So that was… good, right? Though it might be a bad sign that Virgil had this reaction to reading this. 

  * _if your friend makes you do whatever they want and makes you feel guilty for trying to give your opinion, they are abusive._



Now, _this_ was something Virgil was at least a little familiar with. Deceit had talked him into multiple things he himself wasn’t comfortable with, most of them concerning Thomas. And every time he tried to voice his own opinion, the other side would say that it would be the best for Thomas, and Deceit would try to make him feel guilty for trying to hold Thomas back like he did. He would ask him if he didn’t want Thomas to be happy, or if he was trying to be a bother. SO yes, Virgil was familiar with this. 

  * _if your friend makes you feel bad for trying to talk to them about your feelings, they are abusive._



Virgil had to admit that this never happened, but that was mostly caused by the fact that Virgil rarely discussed his feelings in the first place. However, he knew that if he _would_ do it, Deceit was likely to make him feel bad about it. That wasn’t exactly a good sign either. 

  * _if your friend tells you that you’re stupid, ugly, worthless, ect., they are abusive._



Had Deceit done this? Virgil couldn’t remember that the deceitful side had used those exact words, but he had certainly called Virgil sensitive, called him anxiety in a way that he was sure was meant to be degrading, called him a nuisance, a villain, said that he held Thomas back in everything he did. The list goes on. So that was another check mark. 

  * _if your friend gets mad at you for hanging out with people they don’t like, they are abusive._



Virgil wasn’t sure Deceit had actually gotten _mad_ about him hanging out with the other sides, but he could remember that the other side had brought up the subject as a justification for his behaviour or an attempt to guilt-trip Virgil into doing whatever he needed him to do at that moment. Trying to say that he feared that the two were drifting apart, while there was no reason to suspect anything like that. So Virgil decided that this was another ‘yes’. 

  * _if your friend tries to make you feel guilty for cancelling plans when you had a legitimate reason (like health issues, homework, family drama, ect.), they are abusive._



They never made any plans, so this bullet point wasn’t exactly appropriate here. But that didn’t mean that it wasn’t anything Deceit would be capable of. Virgil thought it wouldn’t be surprising if he did.  

  * _if your friend pressures you to do things that you aren’t comfortable with, they are abusive._



That is definitely something that happened more than once. Even when Deceit _knew_ that Virgil wasn’t comfortable doing something, Deceit would try to talk his friend into doing said thing. So that was another confirmation. God, this wasn’t exactly going well, was it?

  * _if your friend purposely makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you feel guilty for the things you like and do, they are abusive._



Well, that was another thing Deceit liked to do. It was closely linked to one of the points mentioned before, as the deceitful side seemed to like using Virgil’s position as Thomas’ anxiety to make the other feel bad about himself or to manipulate him into doing whatever would benefit him. Just like he loved to remind Virgil of the fact that the other sides would think the same of him; that he was nothing more but a bother and a villain. 

  * _if your friend touches you in a sexual or sensual way without your consent, they are abusive. even if they do it “jokingly.” even if you’re both straight members of the same gender. and especially if they keep doing it after you make it clear that you’re uncomfortable. (this is a big one)_



God, Virgil was glad he could mark this with a definite ‘no’. He had no idea what he would do if Deceit would do anything like that. Did people actually do this? He could hardly believe that.

The anxious side sighed and decided to read the list one more time. He wanted to be sure that he had read everything correctly. He wanted to be sure that everything he had now burned into his memory was correct. 

And when he had read through everything once more, Virgil looked at the small list on his screen. He had answered the majority of the points mentioned with a ‘yes’. Would that…?

With shaking hands, he tapped the little magnifying glass at the bottom of his screen and typed in the words ‘toxic friendship’ and hit enter. 

It took his phone a second or two to load the results, but when hen they had finally been loaded, Virgil slowly scrolled down, not knowing what he would find. 

One of the first posts he saw, was a picture. A pink background with the words “Friends are supposed to make you feel better about yourself… remember that.”

The anxious side frowned. Deceit rarely made him feel better about himself. If anything, he made him feel _worse_ about himself. Virgil never really questioned it, though. He just… he just accepted it. He never realised how backwards all of this was. How toxic Deceit really was. This really wasn’t good. Virgil closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he decided to scroll further down, determined to find anything to tell him more about the situation, maybe some form of support, some more information. Maybe some things he could do, or something to reassure him. He didn’t know. But he kept scrolling. 

Why did he never think of this? Why did he not realize? Was he that stupid, or just so blind? He had seen something was up, but he never dared to push it. Wasn’t that a sign of its own? The fact that he hardly dared to speak up against Deceit truly hadn’t been enough of a giveaway for him? 

He should have noticed. He should have known. It was his fault that he was in this situation. He had known that was Deceit was doing was wrong. Somewhere, he had always known, but he was willing to excuse this behaviour, just because he needed – _wanted_ – a friend. He had been so damn stupid. Why did he never stop to think that what Deceit was doing to him wasn’t friendship? Was he really that pathetic? Was he that eager to have someone he could call a friend? Was he really willing to look past this toxic behaviour just so he wasn’t alone? Because having a toxic friend was better than being completely alone?

But the answer to those questions didn’t really matter, did they? Virgil knew that Deceit’s behaviour was wrong, and he had to talk to the other side about it, no matter how much he might dread it. Somewhere, Virgil had always known that the other side was bad news, but somehow, seeing these posts about him made him realise how urgent and serious this really was. He never really knew exactly how bad this could be. But now he knew and he was aware that he would not be able to ignore it for much longer. One day, sooner or later, he had to talk to Deceit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: The two posts mentioned in this chapter can be found [here ](https://binah-lance.tumblr.com/post/149987117483/can-we-please-stop-acting-like-abuse-only-happens)and [here](https://cwote.tumblr.com/post/141667471435/if-you-find-you-are-surrounded-by-toxic-people)


	9. Chapter 9

Virgil was sat on the counter in his room, resting his feet on the counter and his chin on his knees. His hands clutched his legs, keeping them in place as he overthought everything he had read up on in the past few days. No matter how much it unsettled him, Virgil had decided to read up on toxic friendships, wanting to be sure of his judgement before talking to Deceit. Everything he read, hurt him in a way. Most of the traits and tricks he read, could be applied to Deceit and the realisation was painful, to say the least. Virgil still couldn’t understand how he didn’t notice. It was his fault that he was in this situation. If he had seen it sooner, he wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. It was all his fault. And now he had to get himself out of this situation somehow. But how?

Vaguely, the anxious side heard the other sides talking to Thomas. Their soft voices were kind of soothing, he realised. Like it was a conformation that he was not completely alone – even if he was. Virgil supposed the four were making another video and while on the one hand, he wanted to be there, he decided against it. There was too much he had to think about right now and he would rather stay in his room for a bit.

However, Thomas seemed to have other plans as Virgil heard Thomas calling out his name, followed by that familiar sensation of being summoned.

He popped up in Thomas’ room, confused as to what was going on. As soon as he appeared, the man asked him a question, not even allowing him the time to get adjusted to this new situation.

“Are you the same for everybody?”

Virgil frowned at his surroundings, still trying to comprehend what was going on. One moment, he was in his room, trying to figure out how to confront Deceit, and suddenly he was out of the mindpalace and asked a question that hardly made sense.

“What is going on?”

“It’s a Q&A,” Thomas explained calmly, pointing to the phone in his hand, “and there’s a question for you.”

“Me?” Virgil could not quite understand the fact that there was a question for _him_. He knew the idea of a Q &A, obviously but why would there be anyone who wanted to ask him something? He was just Anxiety, the villain, the one who held Thomas back. Why would anyone be interested in him?

“Just answer the question so we can move on.” Creativity’s voice was harsh and impatient, and Virgil involuntarily flinched away from the prince just a little, though he was pretty sure no one noticed.

“No, I’m not the same for everybody,” Virgil explained, “I’m _Thomas_ ’ anxiety, everyone’s works differently.”

“Yeah,” Thomas confirmed. “Mine is just a little… heightened.”

“Exactly,” the anxious side said curtly, wanting to get out of the room as soon as possible to continue his overthinking. “Can I go?”

“Nah, stick around,” the man responded with a dismissive gesture.

“You never want me to stick around,” Virgil noted, looking at Thomas with a confused frown. Why would he want him around now? Was it just for his followers, because he could get some good content out of his presence? Or did he actually _want_ Virgil there with them?

“Next one!” Creativity exclaimed before Thomas could provide any explanation on his previous statement. Thomas complied and the next question went to Morality, to Creativity’s annoyance – and annoyance was an understatement.

“What is your favourite dad joke?” Thomas read. At this question, Virgil looked up at Morality in anticipation. It was quite clear that the other side _adored_ his dad jokes and Virgil was curious to see what he would come up with. He knew that Morality would take his chance to come up with the dad joke of all dad jokes.

“Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?”

“Oh, it’s a fascinating tactic,” Logan started, seemingly not getting the fact that it was going to be a joke. Either that, or he wanted to spread the information before Morality came in with his incorrect statements. “In order to preserve body heat, they-”

“Cause if they slept with both legs up, they would fall over!” Virgil smiled at this and as he glanced over to Logan, he noticed that the logical side – like expected – did not seem to understand the fact that it was a joke. Dear old logic tried to correct it, but no one would hear him.

“Do you know how birds fly in a V-formation and a lot of times, one side is longer than the other?” Morality asked, ignoring Logan’s protests. “Do you know why that is?”

“Possibly an evolutionary adaptation-”

“Cause there are more birds on that side!”

This time, Virgil chuckled softly at the joke. He would never openly admit that he actually enjoyed Morality’s jokes, but they _were_ funny. However, Virgil noticed his hand suddenly shot up to cover his mouth. And he knew he wasn’t the one to initiate this movement. And as far as he knew, there was only one side with the power to do something like this.

The anxious side looked down, realising what happened as his arm dropped to his side again, like nothing had happened. His blood seemed to run cold and his mind was clouded with anxiety and thoughts. He understood what just happened, but he didn’t really understand what just happened. He knew what Deceit had done but… _why_? It was not like Virgil was going to say anything that might be harmful to either of them, or to Thomas. He wasn’t even doing anything. 

He had to get out of there as soon as possible. He had to talk to Deceit and he had to do it quickly, before it got even more out of hand. Virgil knew he had to do something about this situation, even if he dreaded it. But he couldn’t get away from the video now. They hardly had enough footage for a full video and he couldn’t just sink out without saying anything. That would cause questions and if there was anything he didn’t want to deal with, it was questions. Especially about his reason for leaving. So he just had to sit this video out.

 

Virgil was pulled out of his thoughts by a loud noise he knew was the prince’s text tone and he looked at the creative side as he apologised for the sudden interruption. He then went on to talk about how he was on a quest to ‘save himself’. Of course he was, Virgil noticed, rolling his eyes to himself. He wasn’t focussing on guys _at all_. Totally believable. 

The rest of the video was confusing as always. Morality was his usual, cheerful, adorable self. The others… yeah, they were confusing. However, Virgil found that he liked this video. It was nice, not having to defend him all the time, or listening to false accusations. Sure, Princey managed to slip in a few hurtful comments here and there, but that wasn’t unusual. Overall, the video was a welcome distraction, even if Deceit was at the back of his mind at all times. He didn’t really want the video to end. Because if it ended, it meant he had to confront Deceit. And that was one thing he did not want to do. He didn’t want to talk. He just wanted his problems to magically solve themselves without him doing anything.

When Logan and Creativity had sunk out, Virgil hoped to keep the video going for a while, but when Thomas asked him the next question he had found on Twitter – which of the sides he would rather choose – he decided that it had been enough after all. He was too self-conscious to answer a question like that, so he sank out to avoid the question. Because the best way to get rid of your problems, is avoiding them. If only he could get rid of Deceit like that.

 

He first went to his room, trying to prepare himself for the confrontation he knew would follow later that day. Virgil knew he had to get it done today, or he would carry this burden for ages. And there was one big question he needed an answer to. So, after a while – it could have been minutes, it could have been hours – Virgil finally sank out of his room and into Deceit’s.

“Dec- Deceit,” he called. “Come up here, I need to talk to you.”

God, this room was truly horrible. He was anxious enough as it was, but this room made it even worse. It seemed to grow more horrifying to more anxious he was. But that might just have been illusionary. As always, Deceit appeared somewhere behind Virgil, startling the anxious trait. He seemed to like a dramatic entrance like that.

“Again?” he asked as he approached the anxious side slowly. “What do you want to talk about this time, Virge?”

“We… we should discuss this in- in my room,” Virgil notified. He didn’t wait for a response; he just sank out and hoped that the other side would follow him.

Luckily, he did. Deceit had followed Virgil, wanting to know what he wanted to talk about. When he appeared in the dark room, he crossed his arms and waited for Virgil to talk.

“I was doing a video,” Virgil explained softly, anxiously playing with the zip of his hoodie, “and at one point… my hand covered my mouth and I- I didn’t do it myself.”

“I see,” the deceitful side nodded, looking at Virgil like he wanted him to proceed. Virgil sighed and had to stop for a few moments before he could finally continue.

“Deceit…” he finally looked up to meet Deceit’s eyes as he spoke, “were you… were you watching us up there?”

“What would make you think that?” Deceit’s voice was laced with confusion as he frowned slightly, taking in Virgil’s words.

“I know you were. You tried to stifle me,” Virgil glared at the side he had called a friend for so long. “Why? And was this the first time, or have you been watching us for a while now?”

“Virgil, come on!” Deceit tried, taking a few steps closer to Virgil, who stepped back himself, maintaining the distance between the two. “We’re friends, right?”

“That is not what I asked,” the anxious side said, looking down again. “How long have you been watching us?”

“Virge, you know me, I-”

“Don’t do this,” Virgil warned, surprising both Deceit and himself with the strength and anger in his tone, “I asked you a question. I would like an answer.”

“I…” Deceit said, stopping for a few moments – to think of an excuse, Virgil reasoned. “I was looking out for you, I had to see you were doing fine!”

“Of course, that’s why you stifled me,” the anxious side spat, finding the courage to look up again. “Because I was clearly not doing okay.”

“You dropped your act!” Deceit protested. “I had to help you.”

Virgil looked into the deceitful side’s eyes for the first time that day. He was so done with all these lies. He just wanted to be alone and be free from this snake.

“You had no right,” he growled, “you had no right to do that!”

“Virgil,” Deceit tried once more, “I am your _friend_! I-”

“No,” Virgil interrupted quickly.

“What?” The other side looked at his friend with a hurt expression on his face. “Virgil, buddy… what are you saying?”

“I think… I think we should end this… our friendship,” Virgil explained, looking down at his hands as he played with one of the sleeves of his black hoodie. He couldn’t let himself be influenced by Deceit’s tricks, he had to continue this.

“What? Why?” Deceit wanted to know. “Virgil, what are you talking about?”

“It’s not healthy,” the anxious trait explained, his voice soft and uncertain. “It’s not… _you’re_ not good for me.”

“Virge, are you accusing me of toxic behaviour?”

“Well, if you say it like that…” Virgil muttered as he rubbed his neck. He was about to continue talking but realised his mistake just in time. “I mean- yes. I- I am. You… are toxic, and abusive and… and… it’s better for me to just… end this friendship. It’s not good for me.”

“Virgil, you can’t be serious!” Deceit’s voice sounded hurt, heartbroken, and Virgil cursed the other side for being such a good actor, because it physically _hurt_ him to see this. Even when he knew Deceit was toxic and this was an act. It still hurt him. “What did I do to make you feel this way?”

“You know what you did, Deceit,” Virgil said, shaking his head to remind himself that Deceit was bad for him. He shouldn’t fall for his act.

“I- I don’t understand.”

“Of course you do,” the anxious side replied as he closed his eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose. This was all an act, he told himself. Deceit was trying to make him feel bad for accusing him of being a toxic friend. He shouldn’t listen to the other side. “You are manipulative and toxic, and bad for me. I am sure you are very well aware of that.”

Deceit opened his mouth to respond to this comment, but he quickly closed it again, when he thought of a better idea. A quick smirk made its way to his face, but Deceit pushed it away. Luckily, Virgil was too busy staring at his hands to see.  

“Virgil, you don’t want to be all alone again, do you?”

“No, I don’t,” Virgil responded, looking down at the floor. He took a few deep breaths, hoping that would give him enough courage to continue this. Why did Deceit have to make it so hard on him? “But being alone… it would be better than- than having you around. It wouldn’t be fair to myself. I can’t… I can’t do this.”

“Alright,” Deceit sighed, “well, if you truly feel like that is the best, I will not hold you back. It is your choice. I thought we were friends, and I just… I didn’t want you to be alone. You know the other sides think you’re nothing more than a villain and a nuisance, and I thought you… didn’t deserve to be alone. I wish I could have been good enough for you, but apparently, I’m not. I really am sorry you feel that way, Virgil. But if you would rather be alone for the rest of your life, then I will respect that. It’s up to you. I just want you to know that I never intended to hurt you.”

Virgil sighed as he looked at the side in front of him. He felt uncomfortable just looking at Deceit and he was sure that this was just one of his tricks to regain his trust and lure him back in, but it still felt bad. Deceit wasn’t always horrible, they had had good times, too. And it hurt to listen to Deceit’s words because it made him doubt his decision. He didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want to be around the other side anymore. But what if what the other had said was true? What if Deceit never did anything of what he did because he wanted to hurt Virgil? What if it was just a misunderstanding? What if Virgil had jumped to a conclusion?

He shook his head to dismiss these thoughts. Even if that was the case, their friendship wasn’t good for Virgil. Friends are supposed to make you feel better about yourself, he remembered. And Deceit did not make him feel better about himself. He didn’t even make him feel _good_.

“I’m sorry, Deceit.” He shook his head as he carefully avoided the deceitful side’s eyes. “Can you… leave?”

Deceit didn’t respond, but he silently sunk out, leaving Virgil behind.

 

As soon as he was alone, the anxious side rushed to his door and locked it, making sure no one would be able to enter anymore before resting his back against the door and slowly sliding down with a soft sob. He felt horrible. There was no need, he told himself. He had done the right thing, he tried.

But, he quickly countered, if it really was the right thing to do…

_Why did it hurt so bad?_


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: some swearing, bad feelings, self-deprecating, mentions of Deceit, small bit of panic, mentions of toxic friendship, let me know if I missed anything!

In the three weeks that followed that day, Virgil hardly left his room unless he really, _really_ had to. He was afraid he might run into Deceit, and he was pretty sure he would crack as soon as he saw the other side. He felt so bad for ending things the way he had, even though he knew there was no reason to feel that way, and the loneliness and the feeling of having no one to talk to was slowly killing him. It was for the best, Virgil tried to convince himself, but those words didn’t make it hurt any less.

The first time Virgil felt confident enough to leave his room in those weeks, he went to the kitchen. He had run out of food in his own room and while sides didn’t need food to survive like humans did, it did provide them with much-needed energy. And it tasted good, usually. 

As he made to leave with his food, Virgil was stopped by Creativity popping up in front of him, clutching a small cupof yoghurt and a straw. The anxious side had no time to ask the other side what he was doing, because before he knew it, he felt something cold hitting his cheek. When he registered this, he noticed the prince grinned at him, lowering the straw he had put to his lips a few moments before.

“Princey, what the fuck?” Virgil asked at the creative side, who had already disappeared before Virgil could finish his question. The anxious trait wiped the yoghurt away with his hand, mumbling to himself about what Princey had done and _why_ he had done it. When Virgil had washed the yoghurt off his hand, he grabbed the plate he had placed on the countertop and left for his own room again, locking the door as soon as he entered.

 

The next day, Virgil could vaguely hear Princey talking to Thomas about new video ideas for quite a while. It wasn’t unusual for the prince to drone on for ages about possible ideas for videos, so it was easy to block it out for a little as the anxious side remained in bed for a little longer than might have been wise. Finally, the prince’s voice died away and Thomas started preparing a video while Virgil dragged himself out of bed and touched up his eye makeup. Everything was cool and fine as the anxious side sat down on his couch and he looked at the screen in his room to keep an eye on what Thomas was doing. But then he heard about the idea Thomas had come up with. It was practically a Draw My Life video, but with a different name. Virgil could not believe Creativity had actually given Thomas this idea. As the creative side, he should have known the concept of a Draw My Life, being the _creative_ part of Thomas. He could not let Thomas go through with this, the anxious trait decided as he left his room, appearing in Thomas’ living room moments later.

“Please tell me you’re joking,” he said as soon as he appeared

“Anxiety, what do you have to say now?” Thomas asked, annoyance evident in his voice.

“That’s literally a copy of what’s known as a Draw My Life,” Virgil explained, mentally asking himself _why_ he even needed to explain this. “You just slapped a different name onto it.”

“Ooh, I thought it felt familiar,” Thomas responded, causing Virgil to quickly roll his eyes. “Well, I’ll just call it a Draw My Life!”

“Boring,” the anxious side muttered with another eyeroll.   

“What do you mean boring? It’s my life.”

“I know what I said,” Virgil answered, eliciting an offended noise from Thomas, which he ignored. He just had to make a point here. “And on top of that, do you really want to do something that’s been done before? Do you think that’s what _they_ want to see?”

“Well…” Thomas hesitated, glancing at the camera. “I don’t… know.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and say no,” Virgil filled in, hoping to get to his point as quickly as possible so he could go back to sulking in his room. Right now, he could not care less about how he came across to Thomas or about what the man would think of him. He just wanted to make sure that Thomas would not embarrass himself online and then go back to the painful solitude of his room.

“Why are you being like this?” Thomas whined, finally looking at Virgil. “You were so chill the last couple of videos.”

“Sometimes I just gotta be me…an,” Virgil smirked in response, struggling to keep up this façade. Everything about it felt wrong, everything about this reminded him of Deceit. And he hated it. But what could he do about it now? It wouldn’t help him anyways. They would always think of him as a villain. 

“I wanna be mad,” Thomas groaned, “but… you’re right, the idea is not original.”

“No.” Virgil hoped that it would be a quick discussion this time and that he could leave before any of the other sides came up to counter his points. He had hardly seen any of the others in the past weeks and he did not feel like facing them now. If anything, he wouldn’t be upset if he never had to face them again. He was sure it would be better for him to be alone.

“What am I gonna do now?”

“One option, and I’m just throwing this out there, is to hide under the covers until the sun goes away.”

“Not so fast, my chemically imbalanced romance!” a voice yelled out of nowhere as Virgil rolled his eyes. Of course Princey had to come up just as Virgil hoped he would be able to avoid him.

“Oh good,” the anxious side mumbled, trying his best to come up with a nickname for the royal, but his mind blanked, forcing him to settle for a “Prince Underarm-stink.”

“That is an uncharacteristically schoolyard insult, Anxiety,” Thomas noted. Princey agreed and Virgil quickly defended himself, before the subject changed to Virgil turning down the prince’s idea. Soon enough, Creativity returned the conversation to a new idea for a video, and it didn’t take long for the creative side to extend a hand to Thomas.

“Do you trust me?” Virgil bit his lip as the prince uttered those words. He knew it was stupid and he know there was no reason to be triggered by this, but it just reminded him so much of what Deceit used to tell him and he hated it so much. There was no reason to think of Deceit, as he was nowhere around - as far as Virgil knew, at least. There was nothing to fear but he just... couldn't stop himself from thinking of the deceitful side. But why? Why were those words tainted by his memory? Why did this have to happen? Why wouldn’t this snake just leave him alone? Even when Virgil had cut him out of his life, he was still there. Even when he wasn't around, he was still there.  

Virgil bit his lip as he looked down. He just wanted to sink out, go to his room and hide underneath the covers, follow the advice he had given Thomas not long before that. But he knew that he couldn’t. He didn’t want the others to talk about him, but he didn’t want to leave either. Two options, and neither of them ideal. 

“Why not?” Creativity suddenly snapped, making Virgil flinch as he was pulled out of his trance. Virgil just rubbed his temples as the creative side had a mini tantrum, wishing that he could leave. He had had enough of this but he couldn’t leave now, no matter how much he wanted to.

“I ask you this Thomas,” the prince started, when he seemed to have calmed down a bit. “Allow me the chance to really prove myself, grant me full creative control!”

A stupid smile appeared on his face as he considered the possibilities, while Virgil just grimaced. He hoped that Thomas would decline this offer, as he knew what ‘full creative control’ meant and this was one thing he was _not_ looking forwards to.

“You’re my creativity,” Thomas muttered, clearly not understanding what the prince meant, “you _have_ all the creative control.”

“No, he is talking about full on daydream mode,” Virgil explained quickly, “La La Land.”

“Not the time for movie references,” the creative side protested, causing a scowl from Virgil’s side, as the other was usually the one to make constant references. “But yes, precisely!”

Thomas wasn’t sure about it and for a few seconds, Virgil hoped the man would turn down the idea, but after a little bit of convincing from the creative side, he finally agreed.

“Oh, come on,” Virgil groaned, making to leave, but quickly finding that Princey stopped him as he summoned the two remaining sides as well. Thomas quickly explained the situation to the two other sides and Morality had forgotten his pants. Again. He seemed to forget about his pants quite often. As he sank out, Princey started to explain:

“Since I’m calling the shots, I need you and Morality, and even Jason Toddler over there, to assist me.”

Virgil scowled at the new nickname the other side had thought of for him. He just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. 

“I don’t agree to this,” the side called, raising a hand. He was quite sure that it would not help his case, but… he could always try.

“Too bad!” the prince called as he wanted to continue. Virgil bit his lip as he looked down. He expected it, as no one really seemed to take his opinions into consideration, but still. It hurt. He knew they didn’t like him, but they could at least take his wants into account, right? Why did his voice not matter to them?

 

After an exchange with Morality about… hot… knives, the prince quickly came up with his first idea and he teleported them to some set that looked like Thomas’ room, with a laptop on the table. Virgil looked around and came to the conclusion that he was alone and there was a camera pointed at him. He frowned as he sat down and looked at the laptop as a video started playing. Two people – they looked like Joan and Talyn, he noticed – were, sharing yoghurt, by- wait a minute.

“Was this why Princey spat yoghurt at me yesterday?” he wondered, looking up as if he expected a reaction from the literally zero others in the room. The anxious side turned his attention to the video, and just as he started to wonder how long this would take, he was transported back to Thomas’ living room, feeling much more uncomfortable than before.

As soon as the four of them returned, Morality pointed out that this idea was identical to Kids React, confirmed by Thomas and Logan.

“Okay, I think you’re onto something with the change in format,” Thomas assured the prince, “I did like that!”

“Don’t encourage him,” Virgil growled softly. He just wanted to get out of there as quickly as he could. He didn’t want to deal with these ideas, he didn’t want to be around the others. He didn’t want to be reminded of the fact that they didn’t want him there and that they only put up with him to be polite. He just wanted to hide in his bed and think about all the stupid mistakes he had made in the past.

“No, _do_ encourage me,” the prince exclaimed, making Virgil flinch back a little. “I am heading this all up, right now, _I_ wear the pants in this household!”

As Morality responded to this comment, Virgil just glared at Creativity, wondering if it was too early to cut him out as well. He was so sick of having to deal with the prince’s ego, his attitude. Especially now. Sure, it might be his passion of creating taking control of him, but his temper was driving Virgil crazy and he would give anything if it meant not having to deal with this. Hell, he would even prefer Deceit’s company over the prince’s right now.

“Okay, so the viewers like it when you talk to the different aspects of your personality,” the creative side thought out loud, ignoring the others again as his mind came up with a different idea. “But, what if those aspects got to talk directly to the viewer about what they’re really thinking? Any time one of us needed to talk directly to the viewer, it would cut to us in a separate confessional, and it could be done in a sort of a quirky, off the cuff – let me just make up a word right now – mockumentary fashion.”

“That’s The Office,” Virgil and Logan quickly said. 

“And Parks and Recreation,” Morality added. “And Modern Family. And the British version of The Office.”

The prince scowled and looked at the camera before suddenly disappearing. Virgil raised an eyebrow at the empty spot where the creative side had stood moments earlier, and he was about to think that he left out of frustration, when he heard a vague voice coming from… nowhere, it seemed. It wasn’t loud enough so he could make out the words, but loud enough to know that it was there.

“What is he doing?” Logan wondered, looking around as if he was trying to locate the creative prince. Thomas just rolled his eyes and instead of responding to the logical trait’s question, he put his hands to his mouth.

“Are you really doing a cutaway now?” he called out, trying to reach the creative side, who promptly returned to the living room with a sheepish smile. Virgil narrowed his eyes. He didn’t trust the prince; he could have said anything back there without the others knowing and he just… he didn’t _trust_ it.

“I’m sorry,” Princey apologised, “I just had to try it out.”

“It’s fine,” Thomas dismissed, “we’re just on a time limit.”

“What were you saying over there?” Virgil frowned at the creative prince, who quickly denied having said anything. Somehow, Virgil doubted that, but he didn’t pry, as he didn’t want to be like Deceit in any way and he didn’t want to make the prince uncomfortable, no matter how much he disliked the other. Meanwhile, Logan asked Creativity about his progress on an original idea.

“I’m getting to it, Logan,” Princey snapped, making Virgil take a few steps away from the other as a reflex.

“This is what we get for making him the leader,” Logan muttered while glancing over at Virgil. The anxious side smirked in response to this remark, an odd sensation bubbling up inside of him. An interaction like this felt so foreign to him, but in a good way. He did like this.

“What is with your attitude?” the prince wondered harshly.

“I am simply positing that if you sanction some input from the rest of us-”

“No, I am in charge!” Princey yelled and Virgil flinched once again. “This is daydream mode!”

“Come on now, slugger,” Morality tried to calm the creative side down with his usual, cheerful tone. “No need for fighting.”

“Wait, that’s it, fighting!” Virgil frowned at Creativity’s sudden exclamation. If there was anything that seemed like a bad idea, it was anything to do with fighting. The other two sides and Thomas seemed to agree with him on this, for a change. However, after a few protests from the others, the creative trait soon clarified that he meant ‘lyrical duelling’. So, a rap battle, basically. 

Out of nowhere, there came a voice, announcing the rap battle. As Virgil wondered how this happened – momentarily forgetting about the fact that this _was_ daydream mode – Logan and Princey seemed to prepare themselves for the rapping. Virgil was just curious to see how this would end. He didn’t peg either of the two sides to be particularly good rappers, so he could not wait to see how this would end.

_“Ladies, lords and non-binary royalty_

_Watch me as I beat this geek and do it joyously_

_I’ll vanquish any villain with the gall to try to toy with me_

_Ask the Dragon Witch, you know the drill you’re screwed royally”_

As he finished, the creative prince looked at the other trait expectantly. Virgil was pretty sure he was already counting on his own victory as Logan started his verse and he looked over at the rapping side, who seemed to be enjoying this opportunity.

_“Stricken with clairvoyancy,_

_Events occurred as I’d foreseen_

_Your verse was weak, your rapping stinks, flamboyantly employing these_

_Trisyllabic rhymes, psh, I can match that easily_

_I’ll beat you any time so you do not want beef with me, Princey_

_I drown out lesser emcees when I flow there’s no avoiding me_

_Under pressure, I rise up, holler at your buoyancy_

_Diadems are worn on capita_

_I had this battle on lock like Attica_

_You’re through, go home Princey, pack it up_

_I claimed to be the better bard and I backed it up”_

 

As Logan ended his part of the rap, he left the four others in shocked silence for a few moments. It was easy to say that no one had expected this out of him.

“Where… where did that come from?” Princey asked dumbfoundedly. Virgil had to agree with the creative side that he was shocked to find out that Logan even knew that rapping was a thing that existed, although he didn’t show any of that.

“I have an appreciation for poetry,” Logan justified, causing Morality to softly yell. Virgil sighed and felt the need to point out the obvious, saying that it was an obvious copy of Epic Rap Battles of History, of course upsetting the creative prince even more.

After that, Creativity came up with idea after idea, none of them original. And with every idea, Virgil grew more and more tired of this. He just wanted to go back to his room and sleep for a few days. Finally, after what felt like ages, Creativity seemed to have given up on finding anything original, and Thomas and Morality tried to make him fele a little better by telling him that it was okay to be inspired by something, as long as it wasn't a direct copy. Even Logan sided with them after a while. 

“So, you’re on board with them now?” Virgil asked, turning to Logan. He thought that the logical side had sided with him on this and it was comforting in a way to know that he was not alone. That he was not _always_ alone in his opinions. But now the other suddenly switched sides? What was that all about?

“Well, I always had by doubts on creating something entirely original,” Logan started to explain, “but I am no defeatist.”

Virgil frowned and looked down. It was clear Logan meant to imply that he _would_ be a defeatist. Had he… done something wrong? Was he wrong on this?

“Thanks everyone,” the prince said after a final encouragement from Thomas. “Well… _almost_ everyone.”

The creative side glanced at Virgil with those final words, and Virgil locked eyes with him for a fraction of a second before looking down. This… thing he had going, it didn’t work. He had tried to convince himself that is was for the best, that it would be better for everyone but… it just didn’t work. He knew that, he had always known that. But he just refused to see it, because he was afraid to admit that he had believed the lies Deceit fed to him. Because he didn’t want to accept that he had bought every single one of them and hurt himself – and the others, probably – in the process. God, he was a failure.

Finally, he saw a chance to slip out unnoticed. Princey’s influence had diminished and daydream mode was almost certainly done, allowing Virgil to sink out quietly as Thomas started talking. He didn’t want to be faced with the other sides now. He didn’t want to be faced with them ever again. How could they even keep up with him? Even if most of the time, they insulted him, criticized him in any other way or just straight up ignored his input, they still kept him around. How did they do that? Virgil hardly managed to live with himself.

With a soft huff, the anxious side fell down on his bed, clutching his pillow close for comfort. He just wanted to get out. It didn’t matter how, as long as he could get out and escape his own mind for a while. Escape this world, maybe. He just wanted everything to be fucking fine for once. Was that so much to ask?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: self-deprecation, self-loathing, a bit of swearing, argument, anxiety, let me know if I missed anything!

In the weeks that followed, Virgil continued the trend of holing up in his room, only leaving when he absolutely had to. He usually left his room in the middle of the night, to make sure he wouldn’t run into the other sides. The rest of his day was usually spent sleeping and watching cartoons. Virgil had found that watching cartoons calmed his mind a little, allowing him to take his mind off of his own problems as he escaped to these fantasy worlds where truly anything was possible. It was calming, and he enjoyed it more than he would have expected.

Currently, Virgil had interrupted his cartoon binge for yet another food hunt. It had been a while since he ran out of food in his room, so leaving was inevitable. It was early in the evening, so the chances of running into one of the others were high, but Virgil hoped he would be able to avoid a confrontation if this did happen. As long as he wouldn’t encounter Deceit, everything would be fine.

 

Virgil entered the kitchen to look for something to eat. He had just taken a few steps, when he was already interrupted by a voice behind him.

“Hey there, kiddo,” the anxious side heard the voice saying. He flinched and turned around to face whoever it was standing there. It was Morality, standing a few feet away with a friendly smile on his face. Virgil nodded as he opened the fridge, trying to see if there was any food for him to take.

“I haven’t seen you around lately,” the paternal trait continued as Virgil decided to just grab a few apples he found.

“I know,” he replied quickly, not looking at the other side as he finally closed the fridge again, deciding there wasn’t really anything for him there.

“I passed your room a few times,” Morality continued, attempting to keep up the conversation. “I heard you were watching Steven Universe the other day.”

“Yeah,” Virgil nodded, glancing at the moral side, trying to find out what his intentions were. “It helps me… I guess, I don’t know.”

“That’s fine! I didn’t mean anything by it, I just… noticed.” Virgil nodded again, but he didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure what to think of Morality. He was being so… _kind_ to him, actually trying to talk to him. Surely, there had to be something to that, right? Why would anyone want to talk to him? “I didn’t know you liked cartoons, though. I didn’t really expect that from you, Anxiety.”

“Well, guess there’s something for you to learn after all.” With those words, Virgil reached for a few chocolate chip cookies he noticed on the counter and made to leave. He didn’t know _why_ Morality was trying to talk to him all of a sudden, but he didn’t trust it. He knew the other sides didn’t like him, so why did Morality even attempt to maintain a conversation? Why was he so kind, even when he didn’t have to be? Virgil knew what they thought of him, there was no need to pretend otherwise. Unless they were planning something.

“I think there’s a lot more for me to learn, kiddo,” the moral side responded with a grin. Virgil nodded, as he looked at Morality. What did he mean by those words? Was it just a normal comment, or was there a hidden message Virgil didn’t understand? He shook his head, as if that would get rid of the doubts that were currently racing through his mind.

“Apparently so,” he mumbled in reply. “But I… I need to go. I have… plans.”

It was a lame excuse to get out of this conversation, and he was sure Morality knew this. But nevertheless, the moral trait just nodded, his smile never fading.

“Alright kiddo,” he nodded. “You do that! I’ll see you later, then.”

Virgil nodded and quietly sank out, leaving to his room, the food he had gathered in his hands. Why was Morality so kind to him? Why did he try to talk to him? Virgil knew the moral side was by far the most sympathetic of the sides, so if anyone were to talk to him, he assumed it would be Morality. But _why_? Wasn’t he a nuisance? A bother? He held Thomas back, he hurt him, even if he wanted to do good. Why would Morality even _look_ at him in a friendly way? It didn’t make any sense, none of this did.

Eventually, Virgil noticed that all this doubting and overthinking made him feel even worse, so he sat down on his couch and unpaused the current episode of Steven Universe, hoping to offer himself a distraction.

 

A few days later, Thomas had an audition for a musical. Roman had gushed about this moment for weeks, but Virgil never really paid a lot of attention to the creative prince. It only bothered him anyways. But now, with the dreaded moment coming closer and closer, Virgil couldn’t _not_ step in.

Thomas was at the venue. Sitting on a chair. Waiting for his name to be called. Softly tapping his leg, attempting to calm himself down. Going over the lyrics of the song again. And again. And again. And _again_. Looking at the clock. Answering a few good luck texts from his friends.

And then they called his name.

He took a few deep breaths as he got up and walked towards the stage. The judges asked him for his name. He gave it.

They told him he could start. Whenever he was ready. Thomas nodded and tried to calm his mind. The music started. Thomas started singing.

Virgil tensed up, waiting for something to happen. But Thomas sang the first line and nothing happened. The second line, and still nothing. Virgil bit his lip as Thomas looked over at the judges, who all stared at him as he sang and- oh God, they were all looking at _him_. They were all judging _him_. All eyes on _him_. Virgil noticed Thomas’ voice faltered a little and he finally stopped as all the lyrics of his song were magically erased from his mind.

“Shit,” Virgil muttered as Thomas looked up to the judges. He heard someone asking something, but the anxious side was too focussed on doing his job to understand their words. “You messed up, this is bad. They’re probably thinking about how much you messed up and they’re going to hate you. It’s better to just walk off right now, that might limit the damage.”

“He can’t leave now,” Virgil heard Roman’s protests. The two sides were both in their own rooms, so the voice was vague, but they still could hear each other.

“Are you kidding me?” the anxious side retorted. “They’re all judging him right now, he’s not going to get the part anyways, so why even try? He screwed up!”

“We can get a second chance,” Roman’s bodiless voice responded in protest. “And we are going to do well! They’ll see that it was just a minor slip up and everything is going to be fine!”

“You keep believing in your dreams, Princey,” Virgil said, crossing his arms as he looked at Thomas, who was still talking to the judges about his second chance. “But it’s all wasted effort anyways.”

Roman huffed and his voice faded away a little as he focussed his attention on Thomas, instead of the other side, and he talked Thomas back into trying again. The man nodded and the music started up again. This time, Thomas managed to sing through the entire song he had prepared and Virgil had to admit that it didn’t go horribly. But he couldn’t stop thinking about how Thomas messed up. He forgot the lyrics. And for someone who wanted to play in a musical, that wasn’t a good first impression. Thomas would never get the part now. It was futile to even hope for this.

 

As Thomas went home, silently reviewing the audition for himself, Virgil continued to talk about this, expecting some sort of screams of protest from Roman, but the creative side remained oddly quiet. Virgil wasn’t exactly complaining, though. The prince normally drove him crazy, so this silence was a welcome change. However, he did worry about Thomas. Roman’s absence gave him much more power than normally and even Morality didn’t chime in with a few optimistic comments. Virgil wouldn’t bring up this point of concern, but he hadn’t stopped thinking about it when Thomas got home.

The man groaned and fell down on his couch, clutching a pillow close to him for comfort. He stayed there for a few moments before he got up, mumbling to himself about making a video about it. Virgil frowned as he watched Thomas walk over to his usual spot for video-making. Was he really going to discuss this? On camera? Where millions of people could watch? Was that really a good idea?

Apparently, Thomas was feeling confident enough to talk about his failure, as he set up a camera and started up a video. After a short introduction, Virgil was surprised to see that the man summoned _Logan_ of all sides. He didn’t even attempt to speak to Roman or Morality about it.

“I just want to know,” Thomas stated eventually, “objectively, how did I do?”

“You screwed up,” Virgil stated, deciding it was the perfect time for him to show up.

“Ah! Anxiety-” Thomas started jumping back at Virgil’s sudden appearance.

“‘Anxiety what are you doing here?’” Virgil mocked, getting sick of this constant greeting. “Yes, this is exactly what you do every time I pop up. Let’s just skip that part, we get it. You don’t want me here, but I’m here and this is what I do.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s all that you-”

“You did a bad job Sanders,” Virgil snapped, quickly cutting off whatever Thomas wanted to say. He had no idea what the man was going to say, but he didn’t want to know either. He was way too scared that it would be another insult or hurtful remark.

“Where exactly did he do a bad job?” Logan asked. Both Virgil and Logan attempted to clarify this to Logan. However, the logical side took every attempt too literal, so it took them a while before they managed to tell Logan what had been wrong with Thomas’ audition. When he finally understood, Logan attempted to comfort Thomas with an example from the Dark Knight. Virgil couldn’t help but roll his eyes at this. There was nothing in that reasoning that would make sense. It was a movie, not a musical, not a movie. It was a regular scene, not a song, where the music would continue even when the singer stopped. It just didn’t make sense.

Soon enough, Thomas disclosed that neither Roman nor Morality were available for conversation at that time – which explained both why he was there with _Logan_ and why he had so much influence on Thomas’ thought process.

“Right now, I don’t feel confident or optimistic about my chances,” the man admitted. “I was hoping that you would tell me I did good. Objectively.”

“Yikes,” Logan responded, perfectly voicing Virgil’s exact thoughts. “Unfortunately, I cannot do that, Thomas. Perhaps this time you may have to consider that you did not do particularly well.”

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed, relieved that no one would try to counter him on this situation. “it was a train wreck.”

“Time out,” the logical side said, turning around to face the other. “That seemed very emotionally charged.”

“What are you talking about?” Virgil frowned. “ I just said what you said, only more effectively.”

“Ah, I see the issue, Thomas,” Logan stated with the smug half smirk thing he often did.

“What is it?” Thomas slurred, the words hardly distinguishable.

“I now realise there is only one persona holding sway over your feelings,” Logan clarified, glancing over at Virgil again, “and they all fall on the negative end of the spectrum. If you allow your thinking to be influenced too much by negative emotions, then it will lead to cognitive distortions.”

Thomas tried – and failed – to repeat these two words and Logan explained the point he was trying to get across, while Virgil just looked at this, unimpressed. He didn’t like where this was going, but he knew it was too late to get out of there, so he just waited until Logan got to the point.

“Therefore,” the logical side said, crossing his arms, “I must do what I can to guide you towards a more accurate outlook.”

“Of course,” Virgil sighed. Just as he thought Logan was on his side, he had to switch sides again. It was just like last time, wasn’t it? “When it comes down to it, you take Princey’s side.”

“I’m not taking his side,” Logan said quickly, turning to Thomas, “did I say I was taking his side?”

“No,” Thomas agreed. Virgil rolled his eyes at this response. He was so done with all of this. He just wanted to go back to his room and watch more cartoons, to forget his problems. That would be so much better than anything else anyone could ever offer him.

“Quite honestly,” Logan started in a slightly comforting tone,” I find both you and Princey to be a little too… extra.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow. He had no idea Logan even knew of the existence of internet slang, let alone what they meant. Granted, it might not have been the exact meaning, but he did well. Better than Virgil would ever have expected. Thomas noticed this as well and commented on it. Logan took this chance to show his vocab cards, smiling like the dork he secretly is. Though he quickly regained his composure.

“I cannot make you feel better with positive or comforting words,” he stated, “but I _can_ work to bring a clearer vision of the entire situation that this corner of the room is obscuring.”

Virgil scowled as he tried his best to come up with the best possible comeback he could possibly think of. But he was on a time limit and he had no idea what he could possibly say in this situation. So in the end, he just settled for a:

“I would write an angsty sonnet illustrating my contempt for you, if I actually cared enough about what you were saying right now.”

He had to admit that it wasn’t his best work, but it was the best thing he could come up with in that moment.

“Okay,” Thomas said, not responding to Virgil’s attempt at a hurtful remark. “Well, Logan, what do you propose?”

“Anxiety seems to be swaying you with his reasoning,” Logan started to explain, “so I will attempt to do the same in the only civil way I know how. A debate.”

Before anyone could respond, Logan snapped his fingers and suddenly, the three of them were in a black room, in the mindscape, Virgil reasoned. While he looked around, still getting adjusted to the new environment, Thomas introduced the debate to the viewers.

“Good afternoon from the Sanders Mindpalace Centre,” he started, standing behind a desk, just like his two sides. “I am Thomas Sanders, your supplier of semi-humorous Tumblr posts at three in the morning, and I welcome you to the first – and hopefully one – 2017 emotionally compromised debate between Secretary of Logical Defence, Logan, and Supreme Dark Overlord of Negative Commerce- I’m afraid I’m gonna need your name.”

Virgil sighed and looked at Thomas for a fraction of a second before leaning forward just a little. Of course he was not going to tell him his name. Even though he spent a lot of time with Thomas and the rest of the sides, he didn’t trust them nearly enough to disclose his name. But they didn’t know that, so he could keep up the act for a bit. Just teasing them a little with it wouldn’t harm anyone, would it?

“No.” He finally said, looking up.

“Ah, worth a shot,” Thomas mumbled, before continuing his introduction, naming the so-called sponsors and explaining the concept of the debate.

“Anxiety, the first question goes to you,” the man finally concluded. Oh great. Just fantastic.

“Too much pressure,” he quickly protested, hoping he could just leave already. “No!”

“Yesterday,” Thomas continued, not taking notice of Virgil’s resistance, “I was texting with someone who I liked very much. They made me feel itty-bitty butterflies in my tummy and sunshine in my heart.”

Virgil made a disproving noise; Thomas’ choice of words was nothing short of ridiculous. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who thought this, as Logan made a similar noise in response. However, Thomas didn’t appear to bothered by this at all, and he continued.

“At one point in the conversation, they suddenly stopped replying to me. My question to you is: do they hate me?”

“Definitely,” Virgil responded immediately. He had thought about this countless times in the past, of course he would have an opinion on this.

“Interesting,” the man nodded. “Would you care to elaborate?”

Virgil bit back a groan at this question. He had hoped his brief response would get him out easily, so he wouldn’t have to _talk_ , but fate wasn’t favourable to him.

“I mean, why else would they not reply to you?” he questioned reluctantly. He was just glad that he had worked out this argument ages ago, so he already knew what he had to say. “People use their phones for everything these days.  Do you honestly believe there’s any chance this person didn’t see you text? You were probably just annoying them the whole time, and they were replying just to be nice. And then that got boring.”

As he spoke, Virgil leaned forward more and more. He wasn’t quite sure why he did it, maybe it was because he liked the comfort, or because it was easier to convince Thomas of his point.

When he finished talking, Thomas asked Logan for his response to it, voice shaking a little. Clearly, Virgil’s words heavily influenced him, and the anxious trait wasn’t sure how to feel about this fact. Of course, it should be good that he was succeeding at his job, but it felt so bad at the same time.

Meanwhile, Logan had started his argument. He started throwing around fancy terms Virgil had never heard in his life, like he would expect from Logan. The darker side rolled his eyes, trying to understand what those words meant – but he failed. He managed to keep himself focussed by throwing in some comments, attempting to dismantle Logan’s argument – even though Virgil kind of realised the other side had a point.

“My argument was more convincing,” Virgil stated eventually, when the logical trait had finished his argument. He really did not want to be here, just so Logan could prove him how wrong he was. It ended like this every time, after all. He was just the bad guy. He held Thomas back and he needed to be defeated. It was the same. Every. Damn. Time. And he was sick of it. He had been for ages, really. But it just kept getting worse and worse. By now, he didn’t know why he even bothered showing up in the videos. He knew how it would end, and it would not go well for him. It was always the same.

 

While Virgil was sulking about how unfair all of this was, Thomas had proposed the second question to Logan, who answered with: “No, not necessarily.”

“That’s not a straight answer,” Virgil pointed out, leaning his head against his hand. He didn’t really care about what the other side answered. Logan could say anything he wanted, but Virgil was so _done_. He couldn’t care less about this whole debate, so he just decided to be as annoying as he could possibly be. Maybe he could get Logan to rage quit.

“Can- can I finish?” Logan asked, turning all of his attention to Virgil now.

“Well, are you going to answer a question honestly?” This question led to the two of them both trying to make their point at the same time, Thomas eventually joining in, attempting to get the duo to shut up and progress the debate. Normally, Virgil would _hate_ this situation, but right now, he didn’t feel enough to actually care about it.

Finally, Thomas and Logan shut up, giving Virgil the chance to make his statement, ignoring the rules Logan had come up with.

“The plain answer, Thomas, is that you did not follow through with that plan,” he started, leaning forwards with both of his hands on the desk before him. “Therefore, yes, it was a waste. See, Logan? I even used your _reasoning_ to get to that conclusion.”

Virgil scowled at the logical side and rested his head in his hand again, awaiting whatever Logan would say to this – even though he knew he wouldn’t remember any of that in a few seconds.

“This is unfair,” Virgil whined as Thomas had thanked Logan for his contribution – something he’d never do to Virgil. “You’re rooting against me and you’re the moderator.”

“Aw, what’s the matter, Anxiety?” Logan asked slickly. “Are you worried that your silver tongue will land you in second place?”

Virgil glared at the other trait, and instead of speaking up, he just hissed. It was much easier than forming words anyways, and it was much more effective.

“I’m sorry, did he just hiss at me?”

“I do that when I start reaching my limit with stupid questions,” Virgil snapped, averting his eyes as he turned to Thomas, who attempted to calm him down. When the man started the third question, Virgil had to resist the urge to smack his head against the desk. He hated this so much. He knew that no matter what he said, Logan would prove him wrong anyways and Thomas would accept this answer. For a few moments, he regretted cutting Deceit out. Because that snake might have been toxic, but at least he could cover up his true intentions, other than the other three sides, who hardly did any effort to do so. Virgil knew he shouldn’t think this, but he couldn’t stop it. Right now, he couldn’t think of anything worse than being here.

When Thomas approached the question, Virgil interrupted, wanting everything to end as quickly as possible.

“You blew it and you’re a moron,” he quickly told the man.

“Ah, that’s what I thought,” Thomas agreed. “Moving on!”

Both Logan and Virgil were confused by this statement. None of them had expected Thomas to agree with Virgil this easily. Logan protested Thomas’ decision to move on without giving him a chance to discuss his own point. Honestly, Virgil just wanted to go to the final question, go back to the living room and then continue to his room. But of course, he had gathered some bad karma, because Logan found a moment to slip in another argument about ‘magnifying unfortunate moments’ and whatnot. 

“He just wants us to ignore the important facts,” Virgil reasoned when he saw the opportunity.

“Falsehood,” Logan snapped in response, “that is what _you_ are doing.”

“So, you admit they’re important,” the anxious side grinned, quickly finding this little loophole in Logan’s remark.

“Okay, you know what?” Logan conjured up his vocabulary cards and marker, writing something down.

“What are you doing?” Virgil wondered, looking at the logical trait’s hands, hoping it would help him make out what he was writing. He failed.

“I am writing you a prescription for a figurative chill pill,” the other side clarified, turning around the card, so Virgil could see that indeed, the words ‘chill pill’ had been written down. Virgil scowled as Thomas cheered this on.

“Okay, let’s move on,” the man pressed, quickly calming himself down. “The last issue, I will throw out for open discussion. I posted a video recently that did not do as well as a lot of my other video. Is this the beginning of the end for me?”

“Well, you can’t argue with numbers,” Virgil reminded Thomas, relieved by the prospect of being able to leave this stupid place behind. “It could very well be. Time to panic and/or cry.”

“Preposterous.”

“Your mom is preposterous,” the darker trait retorted, wondering where this insult even came from. Logan didn’t even respond to the comment, but immediately told Thomas what he thought of the situation. How he was overgeneralising and how it was pointless to let one event speak for all future events.

“Your mom is pointless,” Virgil mumbled, just feeling the need to slip in another comment. Who even cared anyways, right? He couldn’t win this anyway, so he didn’t even try to bite back the comments that he came up with. It was nearly over, after all.

“Let’s leave the mothers out of this,” Thomas tried to silence Virgil, “especially considering the fact that neither of you _have_ a mother.”

“If she did exist, she’d be preposterous and pointless.” This final remark, Virgil couldn’t possibly hold back. It just _called_ for it, really. However, he quickly regretted it, as it elicited a loud “FALSEHOOD!” from Logan – a little too loud, for Virgil’s liking. However, after he recovered himself, the logical side continued talking to Thomas about his point. And the longer Logan talked, the more fed up Virgil got.

“You know what,” he finally snapped. “I’ve had enough of this. None of this makes any difference. You know why? Because I’m right and you’re wrong, that is why!”

With those final words, he glared at Logan, who seemed hardly impressed by this. He knew this was a childish argument, but he was so _sick_ of this. He just wanted to get out of here and go back to this room, be done with all of this senseless arguing. It wouldn’t help him anyways. Things would never change. So why even try?

“Savage,” Logan commented blankly, causing Virgil to frown in confusion.

“Why are you complimenting him?” Thomas asked, clearly just as confused as Virgil.

“I’m saying he’s acting like an aggressive, brainless savage,” Logan clarified. Virgil bit his lip at this explanation. Yeah, that one hurt. He knew it was true, he knew he deserved it. But it still hurt. The logical side soon came to the conclusion that it was yet another slang word he had to learn and quickly conjured up his vocab card out of nothing, writing down the new words he had to learn.

“Here, I’m ready to give my closing statement,” the anxious trait announced as Logan finished writing down the note. “This is stupid. He’s stupid. I’m out.”

“Okay, he is throwing a tantrum, I do not engage with tantrum throwers,” Logan still tried, but it was too late. Virgil had made a decision.

“Scenario over.” He insisted before snapping his finger, sending the three of them back to Thomas’ living room. He was about to leave to his room immediately, but he was stopped by Logan’s voice.

“That was my dream space. How dare you?”

“Was it really getting us anywhere?” Virgil questioned harshly, whipping his head around so he could look at Logan.

“Actually, I think… maybe it did,” Thomas interrupted.

“How?” The anxious side turned to the male in confusion. How on Earth could an argument that pointless could ever do anything to help anyone. It was pointless, they reached nothing _at all_. How could it help Thomas in any way?

“Well,” Thomas started slowly, “when I messed up during the audition today, I thought the director immediately hated me. But that may have been me jumping to a conclusion.”

“Correct,” Logan nodded with one of the few genuine smiles Virgil had ever seen on him.

“You forgot the song,” Anxiety protested, “that’s the whole thing!”

“True,” the male nodded, “but when I was given that second chance, I did pretty well. I may have been magnifying that one mistake to seem bigger than it was. I have to try not to mentally filter out the good parts of my audition. The parts I can look back on and feel proud of.”

“You learning things is the closest I will ever be to feeling love,” the logical side commented, causing the other side to roll his eyes in annoyance.

“Great, so you’ve reasoned your way through today,” he spat, trying his best to get his point through to Thomas, even though he already knew it was futile to even try. “Well, what’s going to happen if and _when_ you find out you haven’t been cast in the show?”

“Well, I’ll be bummed,” Thomas responded slowly, choosing his words wisely. “But I won’t overgeneralise. One bad audition doesn’t speak for everything that I have to offer. I’m capable of doing better, and I will!”

“Well done, Thomas!” Logan said, actually smiling at the man proudly. “A+ for today.”

“No, well done to _you_ , sir!”

“And Anxiety-”

“Save your insults,” Virgil snapped softly as the logical side turned to him. “I’m just gonna… deck out.”

“Actually,” Logan called as Virgil made to leave, “I was going to tell you that was a good debate today.”

Virgil froze in place for just a few moments before reappearing in his usual spot on the stairs, confused. Did Logan actually mean this? He couldn’t be serious, could he? They didn’t work together. Logic and Anxiety don’t work. How could Logan be serious?

“What?” the anxious side asked softly, looking at the other. He just couldn’t believe that Logan meant this. There had to be more to it. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you did a good job,” the logical trait complimented, facing Virgil again.

“How? I was barely trying,” Virgil protested weakly. “I… hissed at you.”

“Yes, I must admit that is a fairly uncommon debate tactic,” Logan agreed. “But, despite you clearly not enjoying taking part, you still participated, you offered your points. And you even reasoned, in your own way. And all that is commendable.”

“I gotta say, I… don’t really know how to respond to you complimenting me,” Virgil stammered, his mind racing with all of these new thoughts. Was he really serious? “Kind of… thought you didn’t like me. Especially after last time, when you called me a defeatist.”

“Well, you are wrong about a lot of things,” Logan agreed with a slight nod, “but I don’t necessarily mind your company. The other two can bring in a whole lot of sunshine, and that can be unbearable. And I can’t imagine having a debate with either of them.”

“I- I guess, I just kind of assumed that-”

“You jumped to a conclusion.”

Virgil looked up at Logan, realising that he had a point. Somewhere, maybe the other side was right. It still felt weird to even consider that maybe Logan didn’t completely dislike Virgil, but… he didn’t have the correct data to come to that conclusion. Maybe Logan was… right?

“Touché,” he nodded. “Thanks.”

“Glad to see you guys working things out,” Thomas intervened, looking at the two sides with a fond ~~smile~~.

“We didn’t work anything out,” Virgil quickly snapped before sinking out, suddenly remembering his reputation in this group. He vaguely heard Logan saying something, but he didn’t pay attention to it. He was just glad to get out of there. When the side finally got back to his own room, he dropped himself onto his bed again. Was Logan serious when he said that he didn’t _mind_ Virgil’s company? Was he being serious, or was he just trying to spare the other trait’s feelings?

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, Virgil knew that this last one wasn’t the case. This was Logan, Logic. He didn’t often cover up something, even if it meant sparing someone’s feelings. He tried to remain as truthful and objective as possible. But that would mean that… he was telling the truth. And Virgil found that hard to believe. It didn’t make sense, it wasn’t… _logical_. And as Logan was the logical side, he would have to be logical, right? This wouldn’t make sense. Why would anyone even tolerate him? he’s just Anxiety. No one could love Anxiety, right?     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Here’s a pretty long chapter for you all (: sorry for the late update, but I’ve been busy with exams and performances and these chapters take quite long, as I need to watch all the videos for research. I’ll try to stick to my schedule as much as possible, but I can’t make any promises


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: A bit of swearing, self doubt, self-deprecation

A few weeks passed and little changed. Virgil still hid in his room as much as possible, but he ran into Morality more often – he suspected this wasn’t a coincidence, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy their interactions. Sometimes, he’d see a Tupperware container with a little note, with his name on it, the contents of the container written down underneath it. Sometimes it would carry a small snack, like cookies Patton had made that day, but sometimes it would hold a meal, like pasta or a rice dish. Something easy. Sometimes, there would be a note with a small message to the other trait on it as well. Virgil never admitted it, but damn, those messages meant so much to him. But still, there was something nagging at the back of his brain. He still wondered why Morality even bothered to spend this much time on him. He couldn’t believe that the other side did it because he _cared_. That just sounded so… foreign. It didn’t make sense. But there Morality was, making his food and leaving him sweet messages that were so simple, but that meant so much to the other side. Virgil wouldn’t confess this, but he kept every single one of those notes.

Virgil was okay with the state things were in. He didn’t have to face the other sides more often than he had to, he didn’t run into Deceit and he just kept to himself, holing up in his room, where he knew he was safe. But things changed a little after Thomas’ birthday. The man and his four main sides had shot another video, and during that video, Virgil noticed how Logan and Roman criticized and belittled Morality – Patton. He saw this and he knew it wasn’t right. It wasn’t uncommon for the other sides to make comments about the others, but it was never this harsh. He noticed it hurt the moral trait, even though he tried not to show this to the others. But Virgil saw.

 

When he sank out, going into his own room, Virgil immediately noticed the Tupperware container on his couch. It was as if it was placed there intentionally, with its sole purpose to taunt him. Patton had done nothing but good things, but when the roles were reversed, when Patton was the one hurting, Virgil didn’t do anything. He was so ungrateful, surely Patton hated him now. He should have helped Patton, like the moral trait had helped him. 

With a sigh, Virgil walked to the container and tore the note away. The container held some chocolate chip cookies Patton had made him. Virgil got out a few of those cookies – they were just too good to abandon – and then got an empty note and a pen, writing out a quick message. 

_Sorry about today. Thought you might need some of these._

He then stuck the note to the lid of the container and picked it up. Virgil hesitated for a moment. Did he really want to do this? Was he sure this was a good idea? Well, no, he wasn’t. He didn’t know if this was wise or not, but he felt like he _had_ to do this. If Patton did this for him, it would only be good to do this for him as well, right? It was only reasonable.

So Virgil pushed his doubts away and sank out, into the corridor in front of Patton’s room. He did not want to go _into_ the room, feeling like that would cross a lot of boundaries, and it would mean he had to talk to the other side, and he did not exactly feel like talking at the moment – or ever, really. So he placed the plastic container on the floor, knocked, and disappeared.

 

A few weeks then passed. Patton still left the other side snacks or meals he had made, nearly every one of them accompanied by a note. The notes grew longer and sweeter every time, sometimes he even drew a smiley face in the corner of the note. One time, he even drew a small heart underneath the text, but only once. These little messages, no matter how short they were, they meant so much to Virgil. He wanted to thank Patton for it, or at least do something in return. But what would he do? What could he possibly do to thank the moral side for something like this? 

 

Virgil sat on his bed, munching on a cookie Patton had made him. He was feeling like shit. And he had for a few days now. Thomas had been travelling a lot lately, hardly spending any time at home, away from his friends and everything that was familiar. Ever since Virgil had cut ties with Deceit, he clung on to Thomas’ friends, as a final stability. He had no one who liked _him_ , but at least there were people who liked Thomas, and this was the closest Virgil ever believed to having real friends. So he kept on to that. And now, with Thomas traveling so much, he hardly ever saw his friends and Virgil lost the one thing that kept him grounded. Sure, Thomas still texted and called them on a regular basis, but it wasn’t the same. They weren’t there. He couldn’t just go out and meet up with them if he had to. They were miles and miles apart. It just wasn’t the same.

His doubting must have influenced Thomas, because a few days later, Thomas decided to make a video. They started off in the mindscape, in the room Roman and Patton had created for these videos, their voices were muffled but audible. However, after a while, their voices grew softer, meaning they had left the mindscape; probably back to Thomas’ living room, Virgil reasoned.

As he had nothing else to do, Virgil decided to listen to the conversation Thomas was having with his sides. Because maybe he could jump in at some point, who knew?

It all seemed to be going great, but then Thomas addressed Patton, reassuring him that, while there might be a lot changing, they could deal with it. Virgil knew this was wrong; obviously, _he_ was the issue here, not Patton. He was sure of this. But did he want to tell them this? Was this really the right thing to do? It probably was, even if Virgil himself really didn’t want this. But if he wanted to help Thomas…

As he sat there, Deceit’s words resurfaced. He only held Thomas back, he only burdened him. And of course, Virgil wanted the best for the man, but he let his own anxieties interfere. If he wanted to really help Thomas, he had to bring this up. So really, he didn’t have much of a choice. He didn’t want to hold Thomas back any more than he already did. He had to help him out here. 

“Wait,” Virgil interrupted the conversation, appearing in the living room. The disappointed reactions coming from Thomas, Logan and Roman didn’t exactly go unnoticed to him, and it stung. Morality however, seemed excited to see the anxious side and greeted him, waving cheerfully. At least that was some progress, he hoped.

“Just here to say, I’m on your side,” he continued, not acknowledging the other sides’ reaction to his arrival.

“Whose side? My side? What am I arguing?” Patton asked, obviously confused. Virgil couldn’t blame him though, he could have been clearer himself, and Logan had previously stated Patton was more confused than ever, right? Something to do with all the recent change? He couldn’t blame the moral trait.

“Quiet,” he said, realising that sounded harsher than he intended as soon as the words left his mouth. “just let me do the talking.”

“Anxiety, this isn’t an argument,” Thomas informed. “We’re all on the same side here.”

“Really? I find that hard to believe,” Virgil said, glancing over at Roman as he finished. He knew, he just _knew_ that he was going to be the antagonist again, but he had to get this done. He just had to. “You wonder why all of these changes are throwing you off? It’s the lessening of steady constants in your life.”

“Oh my goodness,” Patton exclaimed, “that’s right Thomas, and you _are_ a Taurus!”

“When you’re in these new settings and situations, you _know_ something is off,” the anxious side continued, ignoring what the other had just said. He was about to continue the little monologue he had come up with just a few moments prior, but Logan interrupted him.

“What is?”

“Something,” Virgil replied. He hadn’t really bothered to think of an example here, so he decided to keep it vague. That usually worked, right?

“You can’t even give an example?” Logan asked, looking at the anxious trait.

“Something is off,” he persisted.

“I hate it when you’re just vague,” Thomas exclaimed. Virgil now noticed his talk seemed to stress Thomas out, which was not exactly what Virgil had wanted to achieve, but he didn’t acknowledge this as he continued:

“We have a bubble. The bubble is nice here. And anything you need to do, you can get done in your familiar bubble.”

“That is _not_ how dream-chasing works!” Roman suddenly exclaimed, making Virgil flinch back in shock. “Oh, I do not like you.”

“I don’t get it,” Thomas snapped. “Last time you were on my case about whether here was where I needed to be!”

“Yes,” Virgil admitted, hating how they were now all upset with him, while he was just trying to help. He knew it was nothing new, he knew it was his own fault. But it still hurt. “But lately-”

“Are you just trying to counter everything I do?” Thomas continued, not acknowledging Virgil’s response.

“No, it’s jus-”

“Then what-”

“Your friends,” Virgil managed to blurt out before Thomas could continue his rant at him. “You’re always away from your… friends.”

“Ah, that’s why I’ve been feeling more confused than beverage!” Patton realised. Virgil wasn’t sure whether to chuckle or roll his eyes at his mistake there.

“Average,” Logan corrected.

“No, I’m not!”

“You care about whether or not I’m around my friends?” Thomas asked his anxiety, seeming genuinely confused.

“Look, let’s not read into this and make it anymore angsty than it has to be,” he responded, already regretting his decision to speak up about this. “We all know that I’m a bit-”

“Dismal,” Roman finished smugly.

“Monochromatic,” Logan added.

“Spicy!” Patton finished.

“Whatever,” Virgil grumbled, fed up by their stupid comments all the time – except Patton’s, but… what did that one even mean? “And your really good friends… they… help me out. They provide constancy.”

“Aww, okay fine,” Thomas admitted. “You and Morality have a point.”

Both Roman and Logan seemed upset by this conclusion, forming an alliance in a truly heart-warming moment between the two of them. Immediately after this moment, Logan turned to Thomas, telling him that while friends have benefits, they didn’t seem to be… necessary? Was that his point?

“But they’re not going anywhere!” Roman joined in.

“You don’t know that,” Virgil countered with a frown. How could the creative side be so sure about this? How did he know Thomas’ friends would not leave him? how was he so sure of this?

“Yes, I do, shut up,” the prince quickly responded. “They’re not waiting on you to pursue their dreams, so you mustn’t wait on them.”

“They could be gone at any moment,” Virgil persevered. “Maybe all this travelling is giving them the impression you don’t need them anymore.”

“Nooo, that’s not true!” Thomas brought out, apparently affected by the anxious side’s words. Even Patton seemed to be touched by them. Logan urged Roman to come up with an idea to get the two back on track and the creative side thought for a few moments before coming up with an idea.

“AH, what if his friends never leave?” he proposed, seemingly having come up with a _great_ plan, though Virgil did not see how.

“Unrealistic,” Logan reviewed.

“What if some of his friends take his _sides_?” the creative side said, apparently thinking it wasn’t wise to just straight up tell the plan instead of being all cryptic about it.

“Why did I think it was a good idea to join forces with you?” Logan wondered. Virgil had to admit he agreed. He had no idea what the creative side was hinting at either. Apparently, Roman noticed that no one had any idea what he was talking about and he snapped his fingers with a groan, planting the idea in Thomas’ head.

“You guys can shapeshift!” he realised. Thomas and his two more enthusiastic sides seemed to be more than excited to do this. Even Logan appeared to not completely hate the idea, while Virgil dreaded it.

“If this will help, I am more than willing to participate,” Logan announced. “Which friend shall I be?”

“Uhh, easy!” Thomas said after just a few moments of thinking. “You’re inquisitive, rational and clever. You’re gonna be Joan!”

Virgil looked at the logical side next to him, who had now turned into a perfect copy of Joan, and he felt a sort of panic coming up inside him. He didn’t think the other sides would actually go through with this, but the fact that they did… it scared him. He did _not_ feel like being changed into anyone, no matter how much he cared about Thomas’ friends. It didn’t feel right to him, and the feeling of shapeshifting just wasn’t comfortable. Virgil had done it a few times before, but he would prefer to just… not do it ever again.

Next up was Patton, who Thomas assigned the role of Terrence. He seemed excited about this change, but it only made Virgil more nervous. He didn’t want this to happen, he just wanted to be left alone.

Roman seemed to be just as thrilled about this idea as the others – which made sense, as it was his idea, after all – and he had already picked out a friend he would turn himself into; Valerie. Virgil had to admit he wasn’t exactly surprised at this decision, as he knew Roman would choose someone who could sing all the songs he never stopped talking about.

And right as Virgil came to the conclusion, Roman- or Valerie, starting singing. One of many songs, if no one intervened. And as none of the other sides seemed to want to do this, Virgil decided _he_ had to be the one to do it.

“You’ve got to stop her,” he said, to no one in particular.

“Excuse me,” Roman, or Valerie, or whatever, replied harshly. “I am still a man. A manly man! A man who is manly!”

“Alright, Roman, calm down,” Logan cut in, looking at the creative side, who just huffed in response. “We’re all still the same aspects of Thomas’ personality, so he/him pronouns all around.”

“Alright, well, then you’ve got to stop him,” Virgil corrected himself, wishing for the millionth time that he could be anywhere else.

“Anxiety,” Thomas muttered, glancing at his anxious side. For a few moments, Virgil expected a reprimand for whatever he had done wrong _this time_ , but when he noticed the way Thomas studied him, Virgil realised it was something worse.

“No,” he protested, deeply regretting ever showing up here – not for the first time. “I am not playing this game!”

“Aww, come on, Anxiety,” Patton tried, “it’s fun! I’m a fun guy who’s fun-sized. _Like Danny DeVito!_ ”

“It would behoove this exercise if all aspects took part,” Logan agreed, turning his head to Virgil, who responded to this gaze with a scowl. Couldn’t they just see he wasn’t comfortable with this? Did he really have to spell out every single thing? Why were they so insistent on this? Why couldn’t they just accept that _he. Didn’t. Want. This?_ Once again, the anxious side started wondering if he should even try to be their friend, if Deceit hadn’t been right all along.

“I’m comfortable just the way I am,” he spat, “and besides, Thomas, this isn’t gonna do any-”

“Talyn!” the man interrupted, pointing at Virgil. The side could feel his body morphing, changing into Talyn’s. There were so many things he wanted to say, to accuse Thomas of, and so much more. But instead, he voiced the one question that was racing through his mind at the moment.

“Wh- wh- why?”

“I don’t know,” Thomas responded with a stupid grin on his face, “just… similar style.”

“Change me back,” Virgil demanded, knowing that he wasn’t nearly as intimidating as he would have liked, and he hated it. “Now!”

“I think we can all agree that you’re undeniably adorable,” Logan stated as he glanced at the other side, who shrunk back in reply to this. All Virgil wanted at that moment, was to sink out and go back to his room, but that would mean being stuck as Talyn for a while, and he was not looking forwards to that. He had no choice but to stay.

“I’m trying very hard not to like you right now,” Roman joined in. “But you’re just too darn cute!”

That was it. He was so done with all of this. He just wanted to get out, he never asked for any of this. Why did they have to drag him into this? It was getting to much. Not knowing exactly how to respond to Roman calling him _cute_ , Virgil did the best thing he could think of. He hissed, obviously.

That had been a mistake. Now, the other sides were comparing him to a _kitten_. Which was exactly what he wanted, of course. Being compared to a kitten was exactly what he had always dreamed of. 

After this exchange, the conversation turned into one mess of puns and useless comments. Virgil hardly paid any attention to it, hoping this would end soon enough, so he could be changed back into his own self and return to his room. However, he felt hope flaring up when Thomas commented on the whole plan. He said ‘but’, surely that meant it wasn’t working. And if it wasn’t working, the sides could turn back into themselves and leave.

But unfortunately, this lead to Logan coming up with the idea that maybe the combination of friends wasn’t _liiit_. He turned into Talyn, changing Virgil into Joan in the process. Once again, the anxious side felt his body changing and God, he hated this.

This continued for a while. The other sides talked about nonsense subjects, changed themselves, changed Virgil and kept talking about nonsense. Meanwhile, Virgil was just hoping this would all be over soon. It seemed to last for hours and hours on end. Luckily, the constant change seemed to get to Thomas as well – though that might just be Virgil’s internal freaking out influencing him. Either way, it seemed he finally saw Virgil’s point and when Thomas brought this up, the anxious side just _hoped_ it would be over soon. Surely, if _Thomas_ wanted it to stop, the other sides would respect this.

Logan started about change one could control and change one could not control – of course Roman chose this moment to switch to Valerie, changing Virgil into Talyn again. If Virgil could punch anyone without repercussions, he knew it would be the prince. He was so done with the creative side’s behaviour and ego. He knew he had no choice but to deal with it, no matter how difficult it was, but he honestly wished he wouldn’t have to live with it. It would make his life easier.

“So, the change that I can’t control is the fact that me and my friends are all moving in different directions,” Thomas said, summarizing whatever it was he learned from this. “We have our own goals, our own dreams. That’s something that can’t – and shouldn’t – be changed. But what we can control, is our communication with each other. We can keep ourselves updated, vid-chat, enjoy each other’s company, even if we’re not in the same place. I mean, some friendships even start online, or by mail, and it’s years before they meet, if they ever do! The spirit of the friendship doesn’t change with location or any form of change; it’s up to us.”

He was right. They might be apart, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t talk to each other, or be there for each other. Even when they were worlds apart, they were still friends, right? He shouldn’t have been so dependent on Thomas’ friends.  

“And if you’re truly not happy with the change that’s happening in your life, you can exercise what agency you have over that as well,” Logan agreed.

“You’re right! Most changes aren’t too far out of my control!” Thomas sighed with a slight smile. “That calms me down.”

“Great,” Virgil scowled. “Can you use a little bit of that control to change me back now?”

Thomas agreed to this, and Virgil felt relief flooding over him. he was glad to finally return to his own self again. This had gone on for way too long.

Roman just needed to sing one more princess song before he was good to go and the four sides could change back into themselves.

“Oh, my precious bangs,” Virgil breathed as he felt his body changing back to its familiar regular state. He would never have said that he would be happy to be himself. But here he was. Even though he absolutely hated being changed and changed and changed, he Virgil had to admit he did feel kind of better. Maybe it was because just seeing the faces of Thomas’ friends helped him. Or maybe it was because he learned that even without them around, they were still _there_. He didn’t know. But he didn’t feel as bad as before.

“Well, it was a valiant effort,” Thomas tried

“Well, at least it was fun!”

“Some change can be fun,” Roman “And entertaining!”

“It was almost as if this whole video was an excuse to show us portrayed as your friends,” Logan commented. Virgil rolled his eyes at this fourth-wall breaking. What was it with the others and breaking the fourth wall today?

“Sorry about all of that, Anxiety.” Thomas apologised, scratching the back of his neck.

“Whatever,” Virgil responded, trying to mask the fact that he was confused by the fact Thomas _apologised_ to him. This apology felt so foreign to him, he wasn’t exactly used to this; usually, he was the one who apologised. “I’ll let it slide because I _do_ feel better.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe… good enough to tell us your name?” Thomas tried. Oh. Yeah. Of course. Of course, he would tell them his name now, after they changed him, after explicitly stating he didn’t want to get involved in this. Of course, he trusted them enough after they forced him into something he was uncomfortable with. Of course, learning one small thing would make up for all those things. Of course, he was ready to tell them his name.

“You are the last one,” Patton jumped in. “And even we don’t know your name, so we’re kinda curious.”

“Well,” Virgil started. He had made a choice. Of course he was not going to tell the others his real name. Not now. But they didn’t know that. He could have just a little bit of fun with that, right? But he had to do this right. He thought about it for a few moments before coming up with the perfect plan. “Okay. My name-” He paused for a few moments, for suspense’s sake, before he turned himself into Talyn. “- is Talyn!”

Thomas, Roman and Logan got it immediately and reacted exactly as Virgil had hoped – disappointed. But Patton didn’t seem to understand this, asking the anxious side if his name really was Talyn. Virgil rolled his eyes as he once again changed back to his own form.

“No,” he responded harshly, “you take turns changing me into different friends today and expect me to open up to all of you? Fat chance! Except for you Patton, you didn’t do that, you’re cool.”

He looked at the moral trait, who returned the look with a small smile.

“Okay, well, we deserve that,” Thomas noted, to which Virgil nodded. “How about we make it a rule not to change anybody who doesn’t want to be changed?” Again, Virgil nodded and even the other sides seemed to agree with this as well, surprising Virgil. They were the one who did that exact thing just a few minutes ago, could they really change their opinion this quickly? They didn’t seem to have a problem with this issue just now, how did this make sense?

“And for the record, I like you just the way you are,” Thomas continued, before Virgil could continue his thinking. He looked down, wondering if the man was referring to him as well. He couldn’t imagine, but Thomas immediately looked over to the anxious side and continued talking. “Glad to have you back to your old, intimidating self, Anxiety.”

Virgil carefully smiled, but masked this and quickly sank down, with a simple: “Be back soon.”

As soon as Virgil got back to his own room, he threw himself onto the couch, burying his face in one of the pillows. This interaction with the others had raised so many questions. Patton had been glad to see him, Thomas had said he was ‘glad to have Virgil back to his old, intimidating self’, he had even said he liked all of them the way they were. Did that include Anxiety? Or was it just the three of his main sides, the three that actually helped him, instead of breaking him down in everything he did? He couldn’t have referred to Virgil, right? Virgil was just Anxiety. And who would ever love Anxiety?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of planes and fear of planes/flying in general, a few swears, self-deprecating

In the weeks that followed, Virgil continued to binge cartoons, hoping to momentarily escape his own reality, his own troubles. If only he could permanently exchange his own reality for the one from cartoons. Everything seemed so much better in cartoons. He would give anything to live in a cartoon; no doubt it would be better than what he had to deal with now.

After a few days of hardly leaving his room, Virgil heard a knock on the door. He paused the episode he was watching to slowly get up and walk towards the door. As he opened the door, the anxious side was met with an empty hallway. He was about to close the door, when he spotted something on the floor. Virgil turned around to look at it, and quickly found out it was a Tupperware container with a small note, and a water bottle. Virgil smiled as he picked the two objects up, retreating into his room again. 

When the door was safely closed behind him, he took the time to read the note.

 

_Hey kiddo!_

_I noticed it has been a while since you came down here and I don’t think you’ve had any of the stuff I left you, so I brought you something. I hope you like it!_

Virgil smiled at the note as he sat down on his couch again. It was true that he hadn’t eaten a lot over the past few days. He hadn’t gone down to the kitchen, and he hadn’t even seen Patton left him something. He wondered if Patton really cared about him, or if he did this because it was his job. If he was being honest with himself, he hoped it would be the former. But he feared it was the latter. He couldn’t believe anyone would genuinely care about him.

Nevertheless, Virgil opened the container and saw a simple pasta dish. It wasn’t much, but it was food. It was enough to sustain him, and Virgil knew it would taste great. Patton was a good cook.

As he unpaused the episode, the anxious side started eating the pasta the other had left in front of his door. 

When Virgil turned off his laptop a bit later, he heard Thomas and the other sides talking about cartoons and honestly, he couldn’t not show up in this video. Wasting a chance to talk about cartoons? Yeah, that was not going to happen. Maybe they wouldn’t totally spoil this one experience for him.

“Kinda sad, though,” he started as soon as he came up. He opened his mouth to expand on this, but he was already interrupted by Thomas.

“Wha- how do you have anything negative to bring to this, Anxiety?”

“We’re talking _toons,_ Doctor Gloom,” Roman snapped out of nowhere. Virgil flinched a little at the prince’s tone, but it was nothing, really. He was used to it by now. However, what never really stopped hurting him, was the fact that Roman had reacted nearly civil to Logan when he brought up his doubts, while he snapped at Virgil even though he had only uttered three words, and he didn’t even get to explain his full point. Virgil knew that he should be aware of this fact. He knew that the other sides saw him as a villain, and he knew that Roman hated him more than the others did. But it still hurt him, and no matter how much he knew that it was bad, it made him miss Deceit. Because even if he was toxic, he was a friend. A bad one. But still a friend. At least there was someone around him. At least he wasn’t alone. Sure, Patton might look out for him a bit, but… they rarely talked, and Virgil was sure that the other side was only kind to him because he had to. Because he was Morality and he would feel bad if he did otherwise. Virgil hated himself for even thinking about Deceit like this, but he couldn’t stop himself. He… he _missed_ the other.

“Eh yeah, Logan wasn’t a blossom of enthusiasm either,” Virgil stated bitterly, “but sure, make me the antagonist.”

“Okay, I will,” the prince responded. Virgil scowled and attempted a shitty impersonation of Roman. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to achieve with this, but he had to let out his frustration somehow.

“Okay,” Logan cut in before anyone could say something else, “what you were saying?”

“As I was saying,” Virgil sighed, “it’s kinda sad how wonderful these worlds are-”

“Hm, gotta say this still feels like a reach,” Thomas interrupted. Virgil looked up at the man, with an annoyed glare.

“Can I- can I finish my thought?” he asked. “Can I- can I continue?”

“Oh yeah, sure,” Thomas nodded. Virgil groaned, starting on his sentence for the third time in what had to be less than a minute.

“They’re so wonderful,” he continued. “And you can never actually be a part of them.”

It was a thought Virgil had entertained for a while now. In a cartoon world, anything would be possible, anything could happen. If only he could escape into one of those worlds, forget about his troubles, leave this world behind. He would love that. But he could never make this happen. No, he was stuck here. With problems that seemed to haunt him everywhere he went.

“Who would want to live in a cartoon wo-” Logan’s question was interrupted by Roman loudly – a little _too_ loudly – exclaiming how ‘epic’ this would be.

“Question answered.”

“Okay, okay, yes, I have thought about that once or twice,” Thomas agreed, “but come on! I mean, like… who doesn’t? I mean that’s basically saying the real world is not… as… fun.”

Virgil opened his mouth to respond to this statement, but before he could even make any sound, Thomas shut him up.

“Don’t,” he said, surprisingly harsh. “Don’t you dare, I know what you’re going to say. Just… zip it.”

With a quick glance at Thomas, Virgil closed his mouth, frowning at the floor. Was he really that unwanted? Was he really so bad that no one wanted to hear what he was going to say? If only Patton were here to- speaking of, where was Patton?

As Roman, Logan and Thomas started talking about how cartoons influenced Thomas’ content, Virgil stared at the empty spot where Patton was usually stood. He would have expected the moral trait to show up early on in this discussion, as it wasn’t a secret to anyone that he absolutely-

“I love cartoons!” Patton exclaimed suddenly, rising up in his usual spot.

“Wow,” Thomas said in surprise as he turned to his morality, “you were late to the vlog today, Morality.”

“Well, I just didn’t want to be too early again,” Patton responded with his never faltering grin. Virgil raised an eyebrow at this comment, and even Thomas questioned it, but the moral trait dismissed it as nothing.

And then, out of nowhere, a thought popped up in Virgil’s mind.

“Even the faces you make,” he voiced, trying to get the video back on track. “It’s like you’re _trying_ to be a cartoon.”

“What? When have I _ever_ done something like that?” Thomas questioned, moving his face a ridiculous amount.

“See, why would anyone need to move their face as much as you just did in that one sentence?” Virgil asked, furrowing his brows.

“To be a cartoon, or not to be a cartoon,” Roman mused out of literally nowhere. “That is the question!”

“I don’t know if that is a question,” Logan brought up, “because you cannot be a cartoon.”

“Or can I?” Thomas asked, looking up at the ceiling. Roman gasped and looked up, just like Patton. Virgil eyed the three in confusion, before turning to Logan, who luckily seemed to be just as confused as he was. At least he wasn’t alone in this confusion.

“No,” Logan said in response to Thomas’ question.

“You _can’t_ ,” Virgil added in agreement. “What are- what are you looking at?”

He turned his own eyes to the ceiling, in hopes of finding something to answer his question, but there was nothing there. It was just… a ceiling. Why were they even doing this? Just when Virgil thought he started to understand the other sides… they did this. They were so weird.

“I don’t know what they’re looking at,” Patton answered, “but I’m eyeballing that fridge, because there is some leftover pasta-”

Ah. Makes sense.

“Okay,” Thomas finally stated, “I will admit that being a cartoon was one of my… wilder fantasies.”

“It was pretty wild,” Roman agreed, sporting some eyeglasses he conjured up out of nowhere – how did he do that this quickly?

“But,” the man continued, ignoring his creative side completely, “maybe there’s a way to make it happen, even for just a bit!”

“I have no idea where you’re going with this, but I blindly support you,” Patton stated, taking off his glasses. “Where’d you go?”

Virgil smiled at the paternal trait as the latter looked around, unable to see his surroundings clearly. Patton was such a weird guy.

“I would like a say in this,” Logan started, but he was immediately cut off by the creative prince.

“Not today, Logic!” he shouted loudly.

“That’s a good phrase to live by,” Virgil stated with an eyeroll.

“And away with you, Marilyn Monrose,” Roman retorted. Virgil tried his best to come up with a witty response to this insult, but he was interrupted by Thomas, who just got off his phone.

“Okay, booked!” he announced, putting his phone away.

“Wait, what?” Virgil turned to Thomas in surprise, when he heard Logan nearly screeching next to him – it seemed the word ‘book’ had caught his attention, for some _inexplicable_ reason.

“What the f-” the anxious side let out as he flinched away from the trait next to him. He managed to stop himself just before he swore, something he knew Thomas tried to avoid in videos.

“The plan is already in motion!” Thomas called out, ignoring Logic’s outburst. “I’ve got a plane to catch!”

With those words, he ran off without explaining anything to his four sides.

“Godspeed, Thomas!” Roman exclaimed dramatically.  Virgil rolled his eyes at the prince’s dramatics, but it was nothing he wasn’t used to. This was just a normal day for Roman, really. “Chase your dreams! May the wings of fortune carry you to your destina-”

“You do realise we’re his personality and we’re going too,” Logan asked, though it sounded more like a statement.

“I did just now!” Roman gasped.

“Aaah, I love flying!” Patton exclaimed with enough volume to deserve multiple exclamation marks and a caps lock, if those was things the author used in dialogue.

“But I hate flying,” Virgil countered, suddenly realising that, _yes_ , he had to be on a _plane_. And if there was anything he hated, it was flying. There were few things he liked less than being lifted in the sky, miles above the ground, trapped in a small metal box with dozens of strangers. It wasn’t exactly Virgil’s favoured method of transportation. Or his favourite method of anything, really. “How does that even work?”

Patton shrugged with a soft noise, indicating that he had no idea. Roman was too occupied with being excited to answer and Logan didn’t respond either. Very helpful. Great.

 

During the entire plane ride, Virgil had cut himself off. He didn’t want to see what was happening. He didn’t want to hear what was happening. He still felt it, to some extent, but as long as he had his back turned to the screen and his music loud enough to drown out any other noise, he would be fine. As long as he didn’t see it, that was the biggest problem. He tried to distract himself with music, with reading and shows, but it only worked partially. Even if he couldn’t see it, he still _knew_ Thomas was flying. He was still aware of this fact and of the problems that could arise in the air. Just because he didn’t see, didn’t mean he didn’t worry. But at least his worries were minimised. If only there was a way to cut himself off so that he wouldn’t be bothered by _anything_. So that _he_ wouldn’t bother the others. That would be better for everyone, he reasoned. At least he wouldn’t hold Thomas back anymore. And maybe that would be best.

“Where the hell is he going?” Virgil wondered to no one in particular as Thomas walked through LA, seemingly already having thought out his entire plan. As he expected, no one answered. The anxious side grumbled and sat back as he watched Thomas making his way to an unfamiliar building. Somehow, he knew exactly where to go and how to get in. He had done his research, apparently.

A few people shot the man questioning glances as he entered the building, but no one voiced their questions, all assuming he had some good reason to be there.

 

Thomas made his way over to one of the offices and opened the door with a loud greeting, revealing none other than Butch Hartman. Virgil raised his eyebrows as he sat up, watching the screen before him. What the fuck was Thomas getting up to?

It wasn’t until he asked Butch to make him into a cartoon that the man’s plan became clearer. There was no way this would work, this was idiotic! Sure, it would be amazing to become a cartoon character, even if it was just for a moment, but Virgil didn’t want to get his hopes up. It wouldn’t work. His plan would fail and he would be banned from ever going to LA ever again. Why was Thomas even doing this? Why did he think this would be a good plan? There was _no_ way he would succeed at this. 

Just as Virgil leaned forwards to ask Thomas what the _fuck_ he thought he was doing, he heard that Butch actually… agreed with the plan. The anxious side raised his eyebrows in surprise and sat back, curious to see how this would play out.

Then, everything blacked out for just a moment and the next time Virgil studied his surroundings, he noticed things were awfully… 2D. In the distance he noticed a cartoon-Thomas talking to… no one. Well… he wondered how this was going to go.

It started with a- ehm… ‘typical’ day in the life of Thomas, complete with Roman controlling birds, Thomas _working out_ – because that’s what he does every day – surviving a cliff fall and videos of… singing puppies. Virgil knew that, with the other sides all having a bit of their own, he would probably get a thing too, right? He just hoped with would be good, but he didn’t dare get his hopes up. He wasn’t sure he was deserving of even the slightest good thing. Every event in his life had seemed to tell him otherwise.

“Then I usually _fight crime_ ,” Thomas announced, changing his outfit to a superhero costume, and Virgil just _knew_ that was his cue. Because, of course, he was always the bad guy. Anxiety was always the villain, because he could not get a _single fucking thing right_. Everything he did was bad. Of course _he_ was ‘crime’.

But it was fine. He was used to it. It was fine. Maybe he would get some cool moves at least? But when Virgil was summoned by an outside force, he noticed that he was _flying_. Of all the things he could have been doing, he was doing the one thing he hated the most. He had no idea how this whole ‘turning into a cartoon’- thing had happened, but with the change in their reality, Virgil suspected Roman was at least somewhat involved. And the other sides knew he hated flying, didn’t they? He had _explicitly_ mentioned that he hated flying. And even then… this still happened. Of course they didn’t care about his feelings, his preferences. And it was not just that, but he was a _villain_ , of all characters he could have been. The others were just normal characters, based on their real characterization. But he was the villain. Of course he was a villain. The others just saw him as a bad guy they had to defeat in order to make Thomas happy. It was an amazing way to remind himself of what Deceit caused. Great. Just great. Guess he wasn’t accepted by them after all.

“Oh, look, I’m the bad guy,” Virgil deadpanned as Thomas flew closer to him. The man pretended to punch Anxiety, but as it was a cartoon, nothing happened, luckily. He didn’t even feel the punch he expected to feel, but for some reason, his flying power seemed to run out and he fell down. Virgil braced himself for the impact of the ground, but a pair of arms caught him before this could happen. When he opened his eyes to see who had caught him, he saw Roman. Of all people, Roman had to be the one to catch him? Really?

“Don’t worry, everybody loves the villain.” Even though this was meant to be some strange kind of reassurance, Virgil didn’t feel it. Instead, the one thing this made him think of, was Deceit. It was exactly what the deceitful side had told him when he was trying to convince the other to join the videos. And he hated it. It had been three months since Virgil decided to cut ties with Deceit, but he still seemed to haunt him.

“Oh, brother,” the anxious side said monotonously as he looked away from the prince. He would give anything to just _leave_. He had seen enough of this cartoon thing by now. It was clear that he was only fit to be the bad guy. It was clear that he had ruined his chance to be a part of this group. That he was going to be alone forever. And sure, that sucked. But he had suspected this for ages, had he not? It was fine. He had always known.

Luckily, the cartoon was soon over, and Virgil had never thought he’d been this relieved to be back in his own, familiar reality and his own, familiar self. 

Thomas quickly went home, taking yet another plane to get there, of course. Great. Amazing. Virgil was _totally_ okay with that. Flying was totally fine. _Totally_.

 

Nearly as soon as Thomas had come home, he summoned his sides again, informing them he arrived home again – which was totally unnecessary, as all of his sides knew this, being a part of his personality.

“I just flew back,” the man announced quickly, as he rushed in.

“And boy are your arms ti-”

“Don’t,” Logan interrupted Patton’s attempt at yet another pun. Virgil softly huffed. Normally, he wouldn’t have minded their exchanges, but now, he was so fed up with everything. He just wanted to get out, but he knew he couldn’t. Not in the middle of the conversation. “Please do not.”

“Why did I have to be _flying_ in that cartoon?” Virgil growled softly. He was so done with anything. Especially after he had explicitly mentioned that he hated flying, this still had to happen. It was as if the entire fucking universe was conspiring against him for some messed up reason and he was so done with it.

“Why were any of us doing any of the things that happened there?” Logan added, summoning his vocab cards. “It was almost as if you were doing… ehm… the _most_.”

“Eh yeah, like we’re gonna be animated and act like we would in the real world,” Roman retorted, “I mean…”

“I will say I was ambitious,” Thomas admitted, totally ignoring anything his sides had brought up, “but that was a lot of fun, right?”

“Yes, it was fun!” the creative side yelled loudly.

“Eh,” Virgil shrugged. To be fair, it _could_ have been fun. It could have been great, but he had only appeared for like… ten seconds. And he had been flying for half of it. So yeah, it was just a little disappointing.

“It was interesting,” Logan said.

“I liked the dog,” Patton brought up, gasping at the memory. “Do you remember the dog?”

“Aah, shame it had to be over so soon,” Thomas said, clearly already missing the cartoon world. Virgil rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting for a sign that it was safe to leave. He couldn’t stand to be around them for much longer.

“Okay, Thomas,” Logan jumped in, “I can maybe, slightly, microscopically see how one may enjoy themselves if the world behaved like a cartoon.”

“Ha, I win!” Roman exclaimed loudly. Why did he always have to be this loud? It was almost like he tried to startle Virgil on purpose. If that was the case, he was doing a pretty good job at it.

“But, at the same time, the world you live in can be just as wondrous and fascinating,” Logan expanded, “you may not always see it, but sometimes our universe can be stranger than fiction! So much so that some people dedicate their entire lives to studying it and trying to understand it.”

“Yeah, you’re right!” Thomas admitted. “I shouldn’t take this world for granted! It can be just as fun!”

“Eh fun, fascinating. Tomato, solanum lycopersicum.”

“Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be best to exclude Logic completely,” the creative side conceded grudgingly. “After all the best kind of comedy follows some line of logic. Otherwise, it would just be random and that’s –”

“ _Potato_.”

“– never funny.” Virgil raised an eyebrow at Patton, smiling at the moral trait who had summoned a potato out of nowhere. Patton caught this gaze and looked up at Virgil with his adorable smile. When the anxious side noticed Morality looking at him, he pointed at the potato, silently asking him about the purpose of that. Patton just shrugged as the potato disappeared again. Virgil just shook his head, fighting another smile. The moral side was… weird. But not necessarily bad weird. He was… yeah, he was a fun guy.

Meanwhile, Thomas and the other sides had continued their exchange, talking about cartoons and them sticking with one for ages, or whatever.

“Oh great,” Virgil scowled, “Glad to know we still got a nice little message out of this ridiculous video.”

“What exactly was the message?” Logan asked, looking around in confusion.

“Cartoons are neat!” Patton jumped in. Virgil was pretty sure that it wasn’t _exactly_ what the others had come to, but… it wasn’t a lie, so…

“Okay, fair enough.” Logan accepted.

“That’s totally fair,” Thomas agreed with a nod. The anxious side could feel a conclusion coming up and he was so relieved to find this. He couldn’t wait to leave, go back to his room and wallow in his pathetic self-pity for the rest of his life.

“But Anxiety’s the fairest of them all!” Roman exclaimed, grinning at Virgil, who returned his gaze with a frown. What did that mean? Was it a genuine compliment? Because that was just a little difficult to believe. This was Roman _._ Him complimenting _anyone_ was a rarity, but him complimenting Virgil? That was unheard of, he would never do that. But if it wasn’t a compliment, what else could Roman have meant? How could he- “Oh come on guys, it was a pale joke!”

“Good one,” Virgil sneered at the prince before turning to Thomas. He knew it wasn’t an actual compliment. He knew the prince too well for that. Roman would never do anything like it. “I’ve had enough for the day.”

He didn’t wait for a response to sink out. He was so _sick_ of it all. Of trying to fit in with the sides and failing. Of that stupid prince’s insults and jokes. Of no one caring about what he said, what he did or did not want. They did not appreciate him. They didn’t _care_. It was more than obvious. They didn’t care about him. They wouldn’t miss him if he left. In fact, he was sure that they would be _happy_ if they were finally free from him. Because that meant they would have won, right? They could finally continue their fairy tale and live happily ever after. He was just a burden. A nuisance. A fucking failure. He couldn’t do anything right, he only held Thomas back, he only upset the other sides. He was a useless piece of trash, he was worthless and good for nothing at all. They wouldn’t miss him if he left. Thomas would be happier if he left. The others would be happy if he left.

 

Maybe he should do that.

 

Maybe he should just leave.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing, some manipulation, emotional abuse, anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing
> 
>  
> 
> Note: Oh boy, brace for a long chapter you lads, this is the longest one yet holy shit

Virgil spent the next few days in his room. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was weighing the others down. That he was a nuisance. A problem waiting to be solved. The feeling kept eating at him, and he hated it. He hated feeling like this, but he had no idea how to fix it. The only possible solution he could think of, was… disappearing for a while. He might be alone, but at least he wouldn’t bother the others. At least he wouldn’t hold Thomas back anymore. He wouldn’t be a nuisance. But he had no idea how he could do that – if he could do anything like it in the first place. He knew there had to be a solution to his problem, but he wasn’t sure _what_ it was.

 

After a few days of hesitations and doubt, Virgil finally left his room again, having decided to check the kitchen for any more food. He had barely left his familiar room, and he had run out of food nearly a day ago. He really needed something to eat.

So, he waited until it was late at night. He didn’t want to deal with any of the other sides right now, and the only time he could be sure – _almost_ sure, at least – that he wouldn’t see the others, was at night.

 

So that night, Virgil sneaked into the kitchen, making sure no one was around. He opened the fridge and saw another Tupperware container with a note on it. He reached out and grabbed the container, not noticing someone entered the kitchen until he heard their voice.

“Fancy seeing you here, Virgil.” The anxious side froze as he recognized the voice. He had spent so many months avoiding the source of that all-too familiar voice. Why did he have to approach today? Of all days, why today? Why now? Did he _know_ he would be here today? Had he seen him? Or was this just a coincidence? Just more bad luck chasing him?

Staying calm and collected, Virgil just hummed in response, closing the fridge. He didn’t want to have to deal with Deceit right now. All he wanted, was to go back to his room, eat the food Patton left him and go to sleep. Maybe, if he didn’t respond, he would be able to leave without too much of a confrontation.

“It has been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah, sure,” Virgil mumbled, wanting to just leave the kitchen, but Deceit was blocking his way out.

“I feel like you aren’t happy to see me, Virge.”

“I wonder why,” the anxious side spat. He tried not to listen too much to what the other was saying, because Deceit voice brought back all of those memories and it hurt him in so many ways. “Now, can you let me through, _please_?”

“Virgil, please,” Deceit said, his voice surprisingly soft, “I wanted to apologise. I didn’t know you felt that way. I didn’t know it would hurt you.”

Virgil bit his lip as he looked at the other side. Surely, this was a trick, he told himself. It wasn’t a genuine apology. He was so tempted to accept the apology and let Deceit back into his life again, because at least he wouldn’t be alone anymore. But at the same time, he wouldn’t allow himself to be hurt like that again. They had done this before and if Virgil let Deceit back in, he was afraid it would end the same way. And being hurt like that… surely that was worse than being alone, wasn’t it?

“Save your fucking breath and leave me alone, Deceit,” Virgil responded, his voice shaking. He was sick of Deceit’s stupid snake face and he just wanted to get out of there before he did something he might regret. He didn’t ask for this.

“Funny you should phrase it like that,” the deceitful side commented, still not moving as he studied one of his yellow gloves. “Because that’s what you are, right? _Alone_?”

“Shut up.”

“I’m only trying to help you, Virgil.”

“ _Shut. Up_.” Virgil looked down at the Tupperware container in his hands, his eyes seeing the note stuck to the lid, but not quite reading the words on it. He would give anything to get away from the side in front of him – or to punch him without any consequences. To be fair, the thought crossed his mind, but he was pretty much cornered and there was nowhere he could go.

“And to be honest… I _did_ tell you so, Virge,” Deceit shrugged. He still studied his glove lazily, refusing to look up to Virgil. “At least I was there for you.”

“No.” Virgil shook his head, trying to block out the deceitful side’s bitter words. “You weren’t. Not really. Please, just… let me through.”

His mind started to cloud, desperately trying to think of the right words to say, to think of the right thing to do so he could just get out without Deceit annoying him constantly. So the other would leave him alone.

“How can you say that, Virge?” Deceit asked, a hint of hurt in his voice as he place a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. The anxious side bit his lip, having to remind himself that it wasn’t real. Deceit was good at faking, after all. It was his job. “After all those years? Do you really think I-”

“Fuck off,” Virgil hissed softly, shaking Deceit’s hand off of his shoulder. “I don’t fucking need this. I don’t need _you_. I can handle this on my own, Severus Snake.”

“Clever,” Deceit chuckled softly at the nickname. “I like that one. But hear me out here, buddy. I want to help you, okay? I warned you. I told you the others would never accept you for you. You chose to ignore me, and see where it got you? It got you nowhere. You’re on your own. But I’m not mad. I am still here, if you change your mind about what you want. I am always here for you.”

Virgil noticed Deceit had taken a few steps towards him, and he instinctively stumbled back, trying to get as far away as he could. He still refused to look up at the side he used to call his friend, afraid that he might forget everything he had tried to tell himself over the past few months. Afraid he would forget all his promises to himself and cave. He would rather have no friends than have Deceit back in his life, but there was no saying that his opinion would stay the same once he looked up. Better to be safe than sorry.

“That’s a lie,” Virgil muttered, more to himself than to Deceit, “you’ve never been there for me unless… unless it benefited you. You- you’re lying.”

“What are you talking about?” the deceitful side asked, pain shining through as he spoke. “I considered- consider you a _friend_ , of course I’m there for you! I’ve always been there for you.”

“Stop,” the younger side said softly, shaking his head. “You’re not a real friend. Never have been. Please… leave me alone.”

“Very well,” Deceit finally agreed with a sigh, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know one more thing, though. You’ve made a mistake by doing this. They will never accept you like this. Subconsciously, you know this. I know you do.”  

Virgil gripped the container a little tighter as Deceit finally left. Without hesitation, the anxious side stormed out of the kitchen, heading to his own room. In his hurry, he didn’t even notice the side standing in the living room.

 

_“I’m only trying to help you, Virgil.”_

 

As Virgil ate the meal Patton had made him, as he browsed the internet and as he lay down in his bed, Virgil couldn’t stop thinking about his run-in with Deceit. No matter how he tried to avert his thoughts, they always returned to that one moment. And Virgil absolutely _hated_ it. He just wanted Deceit to stop haunting him like this. To stop making him doubt every fucking thing he did and to stop making him regret even cutting the other out of his life. He knew Deceit was bad for him, but he missed having someone around. He was sick of being alone all the time. He just wanted someone to talk to. _Anyone_.

 

_“Funny you should phrase it like that. Because that’s what you are, right? Alone?”_

 

All of that night, Deceit’s word ran through his head, repeating themselves over and over and over again. No matter what Virgil tried, they returned every time. No matter how they tried to distract himself, those poisonous words resurfaced. And they hurt him so much. Because he knew the other was right. He was alone. He had no one to turn to. Deceit was the only one who had ever been there for him and yes, he was toxic, he was only using Virgil but at least he was ‘someone’.

 

_“And to be honest… I told you so, Virge. At least I was there for you.”_

 

Virgil groaned and hid underneath his blankets, hiding his face underneath his pillow. He hated this. He hated that stupid fucking snake. Why couldn’t he just leave him alone? Why did he have to resurface? Why did he have to do this? _Why_?

Deceit’s words kept running through his head. Over and over and over and he didn’t know what to do. Nothing could distract him long enough to forget, but he had to do something. He couldn’t spend all day mulling about it. He wouldn’t allow Deceit the pleasure. But what did he have to do? What did he have to do to finally forget?

 

_You’ve made a mistake by doing this. Subconsciously, you know this. I know you do._

 

Subconsciously.

 

Subconscious.

 

 _The_ subconscious.

 

Maybe he could do that. Go to the subconscious. Hide there. He didn’t know what it would be like in there, as the sides hardly ever travelled to the subconscious, but he knew that, at least, he would be alone. He knew that he would be numbed. Not just his function would be dulled, but so would his feelings – at least, that was what he thought. He was not completely sure, but he knew enough about the subconscious to come to this conclusion. Virgil couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of this before. It was so simple, so logical. He should have thought of it sooner.

And if he was there… at least he wouldn’t bother the others. Or Thomas. At least he wouldn’t hold the man back anymore. And he wouldn’t have to deal with the others again.

They wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.

It would be better for everyone.

 

He didn’t do it right away. It took Virgil a few days to work up the courage to actually go through with the plan. But finally, he did it. He made sure he had locked his door and then closed his eyes. With a deep breath, he focussed on sinking out of his room. To the subconscious.

 

When he got there, Virgil had to get used to the darkness of his surroundings for a few seconds, but he quickly got used to it. The subconscious looked just like Thomas’ living room, only with considerably less furniture and infinitely less light. Instead of windows, there were pits of darkness, framed by blue curtains. The walls were ten times darker than they usually were and even the shadows seemed to be darker. It was unsettling, but at the same time, oddly comforting.

With a sigh, Virgil walked into the dark room that had to be the kitchen and felt his way to the counter, sitting down with a grunt. He put his feet up on the counter and wrapped his arms around his legs, burying his face in his knees to close himself off from his dark surroundings.

 

He sat there for what felt like minutes, yet it could have been hours, or even days. Virgil didn’t know. There was nothing here to indicate a passage of time. It could have been anything.

In the darkness, he could vaguely hear the other sides talking, but they sounded miles away. He could hardly make out any coherent words. He assumed the guys were making a video and he couldn’t help but wonder what they were talking about. Surely, him ducking out would have an impact on Thomas? Anxiety wasn’t there to make his life shitty, so he must be happy, right? He should be relieved to be able to live without having to worry about everything every single moment. The four of them were probably talking how happy they were to not have Anxiety around anymore. He never contributed anything anyways. He just caused them trouble and made Thomas unhappy. At least he wouldn’t hold them back anymore. At least they – _Thomas_ – would be happy.

 

Virgil absently focussed his attention on the vague noises. He couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t even make out who was talking. It was just some background noise, but it was comforting. But then, it was quiet for a few moments, but then the voices returned. And this time, they were louder than usual. Closer. Like they were… no. Virgil felt anxiety surging through his veins as he looked up. They couldn’t be in his room, could they? He had locked it, hadn’t he? They couldn’t be in his room, unless… Thomas was there with them. He could take all of them to Virgil’s room, even without the side’s permission. Virgil waited for a few moments, but he was sure that they were, in fact, in his room. They weren’t in Thomas’ living room, that was for sure. Their voices were too loud, too close to come from the living room. But why would they go to his room without his permission, when the sides knew how much he hated that? Why would they go to his room _at all_? The anxious side stayed in hiding for a few more moments, hoping that they had made a mistake and would leave soon, but he realised that they would not leave. Virgil bit his lip, fearing what they were trying to achieve by coming here as he decided to confront them on this. Were they trying to provoke him? Or were they perhaps trying to find out if he was still there, hoping he would have left them behind for good? Reluctantly, Virgil left his hiding place and appeared in his usual spot on the stairs, now in his own room for a change.

“What are you doing in my room?” he insisted, trying to be as intimidating as he could be. Perhaps he could scare them out of his room, he reasoned. His appearance had the intended effect, causing Thomas and the other sides to scream loudly. Only Roman’s ear-piercing scream was quite… painful for his ears. Even though this is what he had wanted to achieve, it still hurt him. It hurt that he seemed to scare them. He just wanted them to like him, or at least tolerate him. Not… whatever this was.

“Anxiety?” Thomas questioned, turning to his anxious side. “Oh my goodness, I’m so happy to see you! That’s weird.”

“You literally all just screamed in unison upon seeing me,” Virgil reminded him with a scowl.

“Sorry,” Logan apologised, anxiously fiddling with his tie, “it’s just- you do this thing where you- where you just kind of… _appear_.”

“Wait, what _am_ I wearing?” Thomas questioned, finally looking down at his lazily put together outfit. “What _is_ my hair?”

“Welcome back, Thomas!” Roman exclaimed, summoning a brush to toss to Thomas – who caught it, surprisingly enough.

“Thanks, Roman,” Thomas said, quickly brushing his hair to make it appear normal again, before throwing the brush back at Roman and turning to his Anxiety. “Anxiety, you don’t understand. For some reason, I wasn’t feeling your presence _at all_!”

“Yeah, I know,” Virgil nodded, looking up to lock eyes with Thomas for just one second before turning away again. “It’s because I’ve decided to duck out.”

“Quack.”

“What?” Thomas asked, his voice concerned and shocked. “Duck out?”

“Quack, quack.”

“That’s a thing you can do?” the creative side wondered, seemingly just as confused as Thomas was.

“For this video, I guess,” Logan reasoned.

“What do you mean?” Thomas inquired, looking back at Virgil.

“I removed myself from the equation,” the anxious side explained reluctantly, all his feelings from the past weeks catching up with him at top-speed. “I quit. Decided it wasn’t worth it anymore.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Well, it didn’t seem like I was wanted,” Virgil replied, surprised he even had to explain. The others hadn’t been subtle about their dislike towards him. Did Thomas really think he would be able to deal with that without it breaking him at some point? “You all made that pretty clear any time I showed up.”

“Wha-”

“Except you, Patton,” Anxiety said, before Patton could even finish his surprised gasp. “You’re a funny guy.”

“I love my dark, strange son.”

“Well,” Roman started off, “surely you knew that we were preparing ourselves for the worst po-” – Virgil frowned at the prince as he stumbled over his words, trying to recover himself – “okay, eh, maybe I could rephrase that. We were just tensing up, because we knew that something bad would-” – if Roman was trying to help here, he was not doing a great job. Was this his first time being supportive of someone? Cause he sure sucked at it. – “look, it’s just… you’re never really fun and-”

“Roman,” Thomas interrupted, “shut up.”

“Look, I am the creative side,” Roman defended, as if he had been offended by Thomas. “Not the fluffy, cutesy, kind-wordsy side. So…”

“One would think that the creative side would be able to come up with a nicer way to talk to others,” Logan snapped, and as Virgil turned to look at the logical side, he noticed a hint of black eyeshadow appearing underneath his eyes. It was obvious that the room was already affecting them, but how could Virgil convince them to leave without making them hate him even more?

“You’d think the smart side would know when to mind his own business,” Roman returned, the black eyeshadow apparent underneath his own eyes as well. Great.

“Okay, it’s real sweet that you all decided to come for a visit,” Virgil announced, hoping to get the others to leave quickly, “but if I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would have showed up in person, like I usually do.”

“Aww, you poor little anxious baby!” Patton whined, pouting at Anxiety.

“Let’s just… face facts,” Virgil continued, “you’re better off without me.”

“No, _no_ , no, no,” Thomas protested, surprisingly giving Virgil _four_ no’s, which is exactly four more than Anxiety would have expected. “That is where you’re wrong.”

“Very much so,” Logan agreed I don’t think any of us comprehended how much you factor into Thomas’ decision making.”

“Yeah.”  
“I mean, without you, he was acting like a- um- just a- like a big, bumbling couch potato man.”

“That- There’s probably a nicer way to say that, but-”

“Just an unfiltered – just gonna come out and say it – a cotton-headed Ninny Muggins,” Logan interrupted, earning a gasp from Thomas and his two other sides.

“That is enough out of you,” Thomas commented, “ _Logic_.”

“See?” Logan asked, seeing his suspicions confirmed. “He is reigning me in right now because of you.”

“You _do_ talk too much sometimes,” Virgil admitted carefully, looking at Logan, awaiting a response.

“I never thought I’d appreciate you saying that,” the logical side responded with a deep breath. Virgil smiled carefully as he looked at his feet. Never thought a comment like that would mean so much to him. Sure, it wasn’t much, but… Logan _appreciated_ it. That was… something.

“We’ve already learned that Thomas listening to me too much can be a problem,” Patton started to elaborate quickly. “Same with Roman, probably even Logan!”

“Easy,” Logan responded with a false chuckle.

“Now, while I still have your attention,” the moral trait continued, not paying any attention to Logan’s comment. “Do you think maybe we could switch places?”

“Alright,” Virgil softly sighed, not responding to Patton’s question. “I can’t say it isn’t nice to hear you all grovelling but… I actually think you were _right_ to not want me around. I’ve always aimed to _protect_ you. But lately… it feels like I’ve been keeping you from doing anything.”

He bit the inside of his cheek nervously as his hands played with his sleeves. This was the most open he had _ever_ been with his feelings and thoughts, and he wasn’t sure he was comfortable with it. Especially not considering the circumstances and his company.

“If your only goal is to protect, then why do you act like the embodiment of a dark and stormy night all the time?” Roman asked, once again proving _exactly_ why Virgil was so reluctant about this whole ‘opening up’-thing.

“Roman…” Thomas tried to reason with the prince.

“What?” the creative side asked loudly.” He’s a creepy cookie! You’re a creepy cookie, Anxiety.”

“ _Roman_!”

“You’re like a- an oatmeal raisin cookie, that’s primarily composed of raisins. A raisin-oatmeal cookie, no one wants that!”

Virgil looked down as he listened to the prince’s rant. He knew that the side was influenced by Virgil’s room, but that didn’t mean these words didn’t hurt. There had to be at least some truth to the words, after all. He wouldn’t say it if he didn’t at least believe a part of it, and this thought _hurt_. Did Roman really think that? Did he really think he was so unwanted, or was it an exaggeration?

“Pump the brakes, Princey!” Thomas insisted.

“I’m sorry,” Roman said with a nod.

“You pump those brakes.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just- I’m feeling a little… ehm… extra passionate here,” the creative trait justified. He glanced at Virgil for a fraction of a second, and Anxiety noticed the eyeshadow underneath the prince’s eyes had grown much, much darker. A bad sign.

“When did you apply eyeshadow?” Patton asked, wondering the exact same thing.

“I didn’t,” Roman immediately responded, “but does it look okay? Cause a prince has got to slay.”

“Of course it looks good!” Patton rushed. “Why would you think it wouldn’t? Do you have self-esteem issues? Am I asking too many questions?”

“Putting on a dark persona is-” _what Deceit told me to do_. That's what Virgil wanted to say, but as soon as he started talking, he recognized his mistake. Deceit wouldn't want him to reveal him like that. He wanted to keep his existence a secret from Thomas and would stop at nothing to keep this going.

When Virgil realised this, he also realised he felt an odd sensation in his hand, a numb tingling. It was Deceit. Virgil knew he was listening, waiting for him to slip up so he could silence the anxious trait. When Virgil noticed this, he quickly changed what he wanted to say. “-the best way to get anyone’s guard up.”

The tingling in his hand faded away as soon as he spoke, and the side was relieved to take a breath again, trying to expel the thoughts of Deceit from his mind as he continued, adding just a dash of truth to this lie. “But all this reflecting, and working on your issues with us has gotten me to think that… I overdo it.”

“You could _never_ overdo it!” the paternal called out emotionally.

“Well…” Thomas brought up softly, quickly drowned out by Patton, who continued:

“You are perfect and special, just the way you are! I don’t care how dark your clothes are. You shine. Bright like a diamond.”

Virgil smiled at Patton’s rushed compliments. They were a little over the top, but Virgil appreciated it. The two of not had never really talked a lot, but still… Virgil really, really liked the paternal trait.

“You o- you okay, Patton?” Thomas asked, looking at the side, whose eyeshadow had grown darker as well.

“I just got a lot of feelings.”

“Hey, Patton!” Roman called out. “Eyeshadow buddies!”

“We are buddies!” Patton nodded, on the verge of tears, as it seemed.

“Look, Anxiety, you are a natural fight-or-flight reflex,” Logan started to explain, ignoring the two emotional sides on the other side of the room. “That’s what you’re instilled in humans to act as. And for some people, yes, you are a little heightened. But what’s a little extra height, right? I mean, that just means you’re tall enough to ride every ride at Disneyworld! Unless you’re _too_ tall and you get decapitated on It’s A Small World. Wow, sorry for that little tangent, I am _reeling_ right now. The point is too much of anything can be counterproductive.”

“Well yeah,” Virgil agreed grudgingly, “but for me-”

“Hold on!” Logan intervened loudly, making Virgil flinch back a little bit. “Yes, I’m about to provide more exposition, Thomas, just bear with me.”

“Okay…” Thomas said hesitantly.

“The relationship between anxiety and performance can be expressed on this curve,” Logan continued, summoning a graph out of nowhere. “known as the Yerkes-Dodson curve. It’s named after the psychologists, R. M. Yerkes and J. D. Dodson, they-”

“Get on with it, calculator watch,” Roman snapped. The influence of Virgil's room wasn't exactly doing him – or his patience – any good.

“Yeah- loud noises,” Patton cut in, apparently just as averse to noise as Virgil was.

“Okay, up here is where you want to be,” Logan continued as he pointed at the vertex of the graph, unimpeded by the brief interruption. “The optimum degree of constructive tension. _Yes_ , too much anxiety pushes us to this side of the curve and performance is hindered, which is less than ideal, _but_ without you at all, Thomas is not just on this more relaxed, laid-back side of the graph, which is also not ideal when you’re trying to get things done. He is _aall_ the way down here.”

 

As he spoke, he made a line following the line of the curve, all the way down to the very left side of the parabola.

“By the horn of a unicorn, that was going somewhere!” Roman exclaimed. “I normally would have fallen asleep by now, but I'm not feeling like my fabulous self right now. I am bitterly, jittery and not very glittery.”

Meanwhile, Virgil stared at the graph, trying to make sense of it all.

“So with me,” he slowly concluded, “aren't you just always on the other side of that... curve... thing?”

“Yerkes-Dodson curve,” Logan corrected.

“Yeah, that.”

“There's ways that I can work on that, Anxiety,” Thomas answered, “but I'd rather work on that _with_ you than without you at all.”

“How?” Virgil asked. He couldn't imagine how he could achieve that when the other sides could hardly even stand being around him. Sure, the idea sounded nice, but… if the others didn’t want him around, they would achieve _nothing._

“I just need to make you feel listened to,” the man continued, causing an odd pang to shoot through Virgil's chest. He tried to identify this feeling – unfamiliar and strange, but… not… _bad_. “You're like- like a very important alarm clock! Sure, the noise can be sudden and unpleasant sometimes, but it's important for me to recognize the concern, register it, and carry on, changing my actions if necessary.”

Virgil stared at Thomas, slowly letting the words sink in. However, he couldn’t fully take in the words, as Logan continued talking before Virgil had the time to think about it.

“You're what made Thomas double and triple-check the things he needed to study before taking tests,” the logical side stressed, “and-”

“Also you know that feeling of tinglyness after achieving something he didn't think was possible!” Patton rushed in a single breath. Virgil started at the sudden noise as he turned to Morality.

“E equals MC scared!” Logan yelped, taking a few steps back as he adjusted his tie - probably a nervous habit.

“Sorry, was that too loud?” the other wondered. “I was worried I wouldn't get another chance to speak and I wanted to share my thoughts before I forgot it.”

“Anxiety,” Thomas tried once more, “in small doses, you're what pressures me to get out of bed. To get moving and doing stuff. I'm lucky to have you the way that I do!”

“Some people have anxiety that's heightened to the point where it becomes an incredibly difficult and hindering condition,” Logan expanded in agreement. “Whether it's a symptom of a different issue, or an anxiety disorder, or the unfortunate result of something someone may be going through.”

“And I don't want to downplay any of that,” Thomas added, “but I think... maybe I could benefit from trying to understand you better.”

The anxious side stared at the two others, his mind racing as they spoke. He tried to make sense of all the words the others had thrown at him. They were actually trying to make him feel better, and it… it was weird. Not necessarily in a bad way – though he was painfully aware of all the attention that was directed at him – but still weird. A voice in the back of his head kept nagging that they were wrong. Or that they were only saying this to make him feel good enough to return. But they… they wouldn’t do that, right? They weren’t like that.

Right?

“I mean, it's cool to see you all trying to be helpful,” Virgil admitted, looking down as he tried to work out exactly what he was feeling. “Well, most of you,” he added as an afterthought, glancing at Creativity. “But-”

“Anxiety,” Roman interrupted, a genuine solemnness in his voice that Virgil had never heard directed at him. “You're... what pushes Thomas to rehearse and rehearse before performances. You're that nervousness that he feels right before going on stage, but just as he does so... you ease up. And... you let his excitement and passion for performance take over. I think that's as good a sign as any that... You're willing to work as a team, and that you make us... _better_.”

Virgil looked at Roman, unable to stop a smile from spreading on his face. It felt so good to hear this from the prince. It was all he really wanted, to be accepted for who he was. That was everything he wanted. And Roman, admitting that? It felt even better than Virgil could have thought. The prince made an effort to make him feel better, which… had to say something about the side, right?

“Was that good, did I do good?” Roman shrieked nearly immediately, turning to the others in panic at the lack of a reaction from the anxious trait.

“I'm gonna cry,” Patton announced emotionally as Virgil started to realise what was going on. “I just don't want to lose any of you!”

“Yerkes-Dodson!” Logan yelled, circling the 'high' on the far right side of the Yerkes-Dodson curve. Yeah, they had a problem.

“Uh oh,” Virgil mumbled as he looked at the three. The pressure on his chest increased exponentially as the others grew more and more anxious, affecting Thomas - and thus himself. But he had to stay calm. He had to get them out of here.

“Uh, what the heck is going on?” Thomas asked his Anxiety, the only one who seemed to be functioning at this moment.

“These guys have all been in this corner of your mind for too long,” Virgil explained, his voice already distorted. “It's corrupting them. All of their main functions are starting to work to drive you far over to the other end of that curve.”

“What?!”

“Hang on, we'll get them all out of here,” Anxiety tried to calm Thomas down. “Thomas, remember what you've learned. Breathe in for four seconds. Hold your breath for seven seconds. Now breathe out for eight seconds.”

As Thomas did this, Virgil could feel the pressure on his chest diminishing, making it more comfortable to breathe again. The three other sides were quickly calmed down and they managed to leave the room.

“Keep it up, Thomas,” Virgil encouraged as he prepared to sink out, back to Thomas' living room. “That's good, keep going.”

 

A few brief moments later, Virgil appeared in the living room, alongside the others. The straining pressure of anxiety immediately disappeared, leaving just a nagging ache in his chest.

“That was a really risky thing you guys did,” he commented as soon as he showed up.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that if you were with us from the start, you’d have kept us from doing that in the first place,” Thomas responded with a small smile.

“Being anxious about the idea of growing more anxious?” Virgil thought to himself. “Yeah, sounds like me.”

“You… _rescued_ me,” Roman said, looking at Virgil with an emotion in his dark brown eyes that Virgil couldn’t quite place.

“Yeah, well… fight-or-flight, am I right?” Anxiety asked in response, scratching the back of his neck as he turned his eyes to the floor. He only looked at the prince for one second, before looking away, incredibly self-aware.

“Incredibly right,” Logan confirmed immediately. “Just like you keep Thomas away from potentially dangerous situations, you also enable him to escape from the ones he manages to get himself into.”

With those final words, Logan glared at the man and Virgil pulled up a corner of his mouth at the logical side.

“I am incredibly proud of you, Anxiety,” Patton said, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He looked at Virgil with so much emotions in his warm eyes, and fucking hell, the pride practically radiated off of him. Anxiety’s stomach clenchedfor a moment, but it wasn’t bad. It was… in a way… pleasant? The anxious side huffed, trying to dismiss his feelings and to hide the fact that those words actually meant a whole lot to him.

“Whatever.”

“But I’m more proud of myself for enduring the Great Spider Threat of 2017.”

“They were just curtains, Patton,” Logan countered Patton’s twist. Virgil bit his lip as he looked down. He had forgotten how much the moral trait hated spiders. And he still stayed there, no matter how much it creeped him out? Why would he-

“You all went through that for me,” Virgil stated softly, looking at the three others. They had willingly entered his room, knowing what might happen if they remained there too long. Patton stayed despite his fear of spiders. Why would they do that? He was just an outcast, a nuisance, a bother. Why would they go through all of that, just for him?

“Ah, don’t sweat it, Brad Pitt-iful,” Roman dismissed, and for once, Virgil found that the nickname didn’t bother him that much. It was said with so much… fondness in the prince’s voice. It was a pleasant change, albeit small. “It was no big deal.”

“It was worth it to regain my good old worrywart,” Thomas answered, smiling up at Virgil. He could get used to this. At least the others had stopped snapping at him for now, which was a relief, honestly.

“That’s right,” Logan conceded, “and just like you saved us, it’s the vigilant people that work the hardest to save the world. Sometimes it’s better for a society to be anxious than complacent.”

Virgil looked at the logical side, a tiny smile appearing on his face. He never really thought of it that way. He assumed that Logan did… have a point… somehow.

“Another thing,” Virgil announced, thinking of a small… _compromise_ to make with the others. “I lower all expectations for social gatherings. So if you do actually go out, anything remotely good will be pleasantly surprising.”

His announcement was met with various positive exclamations and Virgil smiled, not knowing where to look at the others responded to him.

“Not so bad,” he commented softly.

“Party on… my dudes,” Patton tried.

“Well… glad to have you back, Anxiety,” Thomas acknowledged. “And I promise to make sure you feel listened to, and strive for a better balance from here on out. And to all of you out there-”

“Wait,” Virgil interfered as Thomas turned to the camera. He covered his face with his hands, already regretting his decision to speak up. Was he really going to do this? Was this really a good idea? “Oh boy, I’m actually considering it.”

“What?”

“You’ve kinda made me want to open up to you,” the side explained, the anxious butterflies in his stomach returning intenfold. “But, big surprise, I’m really anxious about it.”

“ _Anxious_ ,” Patton exclaimed with a goofy grin, “like your name!”

“Yep, that was eh- that… you’re great, Patton,” Virgil stumbled over his words as his brain tried to come up with the best way to respond to the other, and the best way to bring up his name and the best way to actually _tell_ them about his name. “But… actually… on the subject of my name…”

“Shut up,” Roman said quickly. Virgil looked at the prince, trying to conclude what he meant by this. How exactly did he… mean this? What did he want to say with this?

“Oh, that’s okay,” Logan told the other side. “No pressure. If you don’t want to-”

“Logan,” the moral trait said, looking at the younger side, “shut your ever-flapping gobtalker, okay?”

“No pranks, or misleading?” Thomas asked warily – and rightfully so.

“Not this time,” Virgil said, shaking his head. His heart seemed to be beating out of his chest as he tried to work up the courage to tell them his name. But what would they _think_? What would they _do_? What if they hated it? Virgil felt it was only right to disclose his name, after all this time, and after all the effort the others went through for him… but he was so _scared._ “Oh man, why did we have to have a heartfelt moment?”

“It’s totally fine, this is an accepting environment,” Patton reminded Anxiety. “But I have to tell you that I have been theorizing on it for a very long time, so if it’s not exactly the name that I think it is, I will lose it.”

“Okay,” Virgil said slowly, not knowing where to look or what to do, “promise you won’t laugh, though.”

“Of course not,” Thomas immediately answered. Virgil nodded as he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

“My name…” he paused for a bit, still overthinking his decision. Maybe he made a mistake, maybe he should have waited. He didn’t even know if he could trust the others enough with this information. His name was so different to their own, what if they hated it? What if they would take it as a sign, think that he didn’t belong, because his name didn’t match their own?

He honestly considered backing out, but he knew it was too late now. The others would surely hate him if he didn’t tell them. After all, he had told them he would tell them his name, so if he didn’t do it, he would break his promise, he would be lying to them and that- he couldn’t do that.

“My name is Virgil!” he finally rushed, getting the words out before he could stop himself. “Okay… it’s just like a band-aid. You just gotta rip it off.”

When he had finished his thoughts, he suddenly became aware of the _silence_ in the room and his anxiety grew. No one had said anything yet. Why hadn’t they said anything yet? Oh God, they were all judging him, weren’t they? They hated it. They hated _him_. He was sure of it.

“Virgil?” Logan repeated, trying out the name. Roman stifled a chuckle and Virgil groaned softly. He had made a mistake. He shouldn’t have told them his name. He shouldn’t have opened up to them. It was a mistake. It was-

“Oh, but that doesn’t end with an ‘an’ or an ‘on’,” Patton analysed, “shouldn’t it be something like eh- Virgin?”

Roman laughed at this comment, making Virgil’s stomach twist itself into a knot. He was sure Patton didn’t mean for the comment to be hurtful, but it just… something about it stung. Virgil couldn’t quite place it, but he didn’t really… feel comfortable with it.

“Why’s that so funny?” Thomas asked Roman sternly and Virgil looked up, carefully awaiting Roman’s response.

“Ehm- because… ehm… it’s not,” the prince responded, turning his eyes to the floor and Virgil formed a hesitant smile as Thomas turned to his anxiety.

“I think it’s an awesome name!” he beamed.

“It’s not what I anticipated, but I do like it,” Logan nodded.

“It’s different,” Patton added in agreement, “but I _like_ that it’s different.”

“It was… unexpected, but it took a lot to trust us with that information,” Roman said, looking at the anxious side. “ _Virgil_.”

Virgil hummed softly, taking in all the comments at once. It was so much more than he could even dare to hope for. And Roman using his name shot a tingling sensation through his body, a feeling he wasn’t too familiar with and he wasn’t quite sure it was a good thing or not.

“You can call me Virge,” he finally added.

“Well this had been a day!” Thomas exclaimed, clapping his hands. “Learning to embrace all of who I am. Learning new things about myself. Thank you for opening up to us, Anxiety, eh- Virgil. Virge, for short.”

“Whatever,” Virgil shrugged. “I’m at least glad I can offer _some_ help, even if sometimes I can be… hard to deal with.”

“In Thomas’ case, you are indeed manageable,” Logan reassured him.

“Yeah, and you are nothing compared to the others,” Roman said, just before his hand slapped over his mouth. In that moment, it was as if his heart stopped beating. Even after all this time… Deceit was still watching them? Did he never tire of this? Virgil had never thought that he would-

“Others? What do you mean ‘others’? What others?” Thomas asked his four sides. No one answered, instead sharing a _look_ with the four of them. Of course, all of them knew the significance of this small gesture. All four of them knew the one side who was capable of doing this, and they knew the extent of his power. “Well, this is foreboding.”

“Ah, it’s nothing.” Roman dismissed, before sinking out with a grand gesture. “So long!”

“Farewell.” Logan said, leaving as well.

“Auf Wiedersehen, good night!” Patton sang as he sunk out.

“What was that all about?” Thomas wondered, turning to his anxious side. Who took a deep breath as he tried to formulate the best response to this question.

“Look, I know I’m the one that’s causing you to be suspicious,” he started, forcing the words out of his mouth, “but honestly, table that question for another day.”

“Gotcha,” Thomas nodded. “And Virgil?”

“It’s really weird hearing you say that,” the anxious trait commented as the same tingling sensation as before spread through his body.

“Honestly, thank you for all of the good stuff that you _do_ provide,” the man said, with enough genuine kindness in his voice to make Virgil’s heart ache. “You can be a good guy.”

Virgil smiled at this comment. Something he had wanted to hear for years. It had been so long since he had someone say something like this to him – and _mean_ it. It was weird, but… not necessarily bad. It was weird, but he could get used to it.

Not knowing how to respond, the side sank out with a small salute for Thomas, going back to the safety of his room.

 

As soon as Virgil sat down on his bed, pulling the hoodie close around him as a comfort. This video was… something else. Sure, the others might have entered his room unwanted, invading his privacy, coming into his one safe space, but… they had willingly gone into his room, despite knowing how it might affect them. And they had stayed there, even when it corrupted them. And they… _cared_ about him?

Those words sounded foreign to him, weird, and unbelievable. He could hardly believe this. For all he knew, they could be lies. The other sides could be tricking him for all he knew. But he chose not to think about this. Something inside of him told me that these sides would not do something like this. That is why, for once, he chose to ignore the nagging voice at the back of his mind. Maybe… he had been wrong.

 

Maybe they _did_ care, after all.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: panic attack, tiny bit of emotional abuse (in a flashback) 
> 
>  
> 
> Note: Tbh, I'm not so sure how I feel about this chapter. It's mostly a filler chapter, just to get some of the developments going

The first few days after that were calm. Virgil found that he felt more comfortable leaving his room, not having to fear the judgement of the others – this didn’t mean he still feared it, because he sure did. He tried to tell himself not to, tried to convince himself the others meant well, but he was still having trouble believing this the full one-hundred percent.

On one occasion, he had walked into the kitchen to find Patton in the kitchen, preparing lunch. The two of them managed to have a full conversation, and Virgil couldn’t stop this feeling of… _pride_ bubbling up inside of him as he looked at the moral trait, who returned the grin with the brightest smile Virgil had ever seen directed at himself.

Patton still left him meals or snacks in Tupperware containers. He still wrote notes. The only difference was that the amount of smileys and hearts in the corners of the paper had increased immensely. And every note, Patton made sure to tell the other side that he was proud of him, that he was doing great, that he was valued. Virgil loved those notes more than anything in the world.

Roman had stopped sending him glares on the rare occasion that the two ran into each other, and had started looking at Virgil with a careful smile, greeting him as they passed. He was still hesitant, but he did his best.

And Logan… he still was Logan. He spent a lot of time in his room, as always, but if the two happened to meet, he would smile at Virgil, he would greet him, acknowledge him. It was such a small change, but it made the younger side feel so much better.

 

Virgil found that he felt more relaxed, even when he was outside of the comfort of his room, his safe zone. He still had a long way to go, but the little progress he made, made him feel so good about himself. It might sound stupid to congratulate yourself for locking eyes with someone and smiling at them, instead of looking away like a kicked puppy, but for Virgil, it was such a big step in the right direction. And he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it. About how he just… _did_ this. He was improving, and even though it was slowly, the feeling was incredible.

 

A few days after the sides had started accepting him into their group, Logan entered Virgil’s room, looking around for something. Before Virgil could even ask him what the other was doing, he walked over to the table, picking something up.

“I thought I saw this in here earlier,” he mumbled to himself as he turned to Virgil. “Is this _my_ Alice in Wonderland puzzle book?”

“Oh,” Virgil said, looking at the book in Logan’s hands. He did vaguely remember… borrowing the book a while back, when he felt particularly anxious. He had hoped it would keep his mind occupied – and in his defence: he had told himself he would return it that same day. But he forgot. “Yeah.”

“I respected your privacy for this long,” the other side spoke up as he made to leave, “please try to respect mine.”

“Okay,” Virgil mumbled. He was about to go back to listening to his music and doing nothing, when Logan suddenly stopped, turning around again.

“However,” he said slowly, looking at the anxious side, "Virgil, may I ask you a question?"

Virgil looked up with a start, locking eyes with the logical side as he shakily nodded. His mind already started making up every possible thing Logan would want to discuss. He had done something wrong, hadn't he? But what had he done? He couldn't remember fucking up too badly, what would Logan want to talk about? Had he changed his mind about the puzzle book thing? He wasn’t _that_ upset about it, was he?

"It's okay, Virgil," Logan reassured the other as he sat down on the couch next to him. "You didn't do anything. I just... I noticed something, and I wanted to ask you about it. I understand this is quite personal, and I fully understand it if you don't want to talk about it, do not feel obliged to answer me, if you're not comfortable, okay?"

"O...kay," Virgil nodded. The anxious tingling in his stomach died down a little, and now he was mostly confused as to what Logan was talking about. The other side seemed to have forgotten about the effects of this room completely, as his mind was occupied with different questions and different ways to phrase these questions.

"Okay," Logic said with a nod, working up the courage to ask the question that had been plaguing his mind for a few days now. "Did something ever... happen... with you and- and Deceit?"

"What?" Virgil's head snapped up at the comment, dozens of thoughts and memories racing through his mind, just with this single mention. "Why would you- what made you think that?"

"Well, I have noticed you are quite... tense when it comes to lying, or... him in general," Logan explained, glancing up at Virgil, "and your response to Roman mentioning the- the others, and the… _consequence_ of that made me believe that there was something more to that for you. You seemed to be more… tense about it than us. And I saw you," he added as an afterthought, "in the kitchen. A few days before you ducked out."

"You saw us?" the anxious side repeated, furrowing his brows.

"Yes," Logan nodded. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I was in the common rooms, looking for my, eh, puzzle book" – he held up the book in his hands as an illustration – "for a part of your conversation, and I happened to hear part of it. I assure you that it was not my intention to listen in on your exchange like that."

"No, it's- it's fine," Virgil breathed absently, millions of thoughts hurrying through his brain. "Guess I... I might as well come clean."

"Don't feel pressured to-"

"No, it's fine," Virgil reassured the other. It was as if his lungs had shrunk in size, limiting the oxygen they could take in and leaving a dull ache in his chest. "Had to tell you one day."

Logan nodded, leaning closer to the anxious side. He didn't quite know what to do in this situation, so he just looked at Virgil and waited for the other side to speak up.

"Well, clearly, something did happen," Virgil mumbled, refusing to look up at Logan. "Well... yeah. There was a time that Deceit and I- we were... friends? I guess. But it- it wasn't... healthy. At all."

"I'm sorry, Virgil," Logan said. He carefully placed a hand on Virgil's hand, seeing how the other would react. The younger side flinched, but didn't pull away. So Logan left his hand there. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Honestly? I don't know," Virgil shrugged, carefully grasping Logan's hand in his. "I know I probably should but..."

"You don't have to, if you don't want to," Logan reminded the other. "You need to decide what feels best, Virgil. If you don't want to talk, don't. I understand."

Virgil nodded as he drew in a shaky breath.

“No, I think that I… I don’t know.”

“Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?” the logical side asked carefully, looking at the other trait with worry written all over his face. “You don’t have to answer them if you are not comfortable with it. I don’t want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.”

Virgil’s eyes snapped up. They met Logan’s, allowing the other to see just how much panic they now carried.

“Virgil?” Logan asked softly, worried that he might have said the wrong thing. “Are you- can you talk to me?”

Virgil looked at Logan, trying to focus, trying to respond to the question the other had asked him, but he couldn’t. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t. he could only think of Deceit and his stupid face, his stupid words.

 

_“I know you’re right,” Virgil muttered, “but I don’t know if it’s the right thing for_ me _.”_

_“I understand you, Virge,” Deceit said as he carefully grabbed one of Virgil’s hands. “Then at least think about it. I would_ never _want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. You know I only want what’s best for you, I just wanted to help you, Virgil.”_

_If only Virgil could have seen the irony in his words. But he had been so oblivious to it all. It was as if his mind had erased all memories of every single time Deceit had managed to talk him into something he was uncomfortable with. All the times he had said something that did in fact hurt, but Virgil brushed it off as the truth. Like his mind had justified Deceit’s actions because friends never hurt each other, right? That’s not what friendship is, right? It was as if his naïve little mind never thought of the fact that not all friendships were healthy. As if it was unaware to the existence of toxic friendships, or just blocked it out. Maybe it was just because he so desperately wanted to fit in somewhere that he subconsciously justified Deceit’s actions, just so he wouldn’t have to be alone, even if being alone would have been a better option here. He just didn’t see it._

_“I know,” the anxious side nodded eventually, “I know you do. But I just… I don’t know. But… I- I will think about it, okay? Just… just give me time.”_

 

Virgil shook his head, quickly pulling his hand out of Logan’s grip, trying to get himself to stop thinking as the memory made his lungs shrink and his stomach hurt. He thought he’d had the worst of this already, but… apparently not.

He tried to steady his breathing, to stop his head from spinning, to get Deceit out of his head, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking.

 

He became vaguely aware of Logan’s voice, calling out to him, and he tried to focus on that. To keep him grounded, to remind him that he was okay now.

 

“It’s okay, Virgil,” Logan said softly, “can you hear me?” Virgil nodded, but he didn’t look up at Logan. He was sure his face looked hideous, with black streaks of make-up and red blotches everywhere. God, Logan must think he was pathetic. “Good. Now, breathe with me, okay? In for four seconds,” Virgil heard the other side breathe in and tried to do his best to do the same. “Hold for seven seconds. And out for eight.”

 

Logan continued this a few more times, his voice so much gentler than Virgil had ever heard it before, never once becoming impatient with the time it took Virgil to fully calm down and get his breathing back on track.

“You’re doing great, Virge,” the logical trait told him gently. “Would it be okay if I touched you?”

Virgil carefully looked up at the older side, mulling over his response before finally nodding once. Logan smiled and shifted a bit, wrapping one of his arms around Virgil’s shoulders. The anxious side flinched at first, but quickly relaxed into the touch. He never really realised how much he actually craved this. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Logan’s shoulder, paying close attention to his shaky breathing. As they sat there in silence, Logan carefully rubbed Virgil’s arm and while it was a small gesture, it meant more to Virgil than he could ever voice. He closed his eyes as he cherished this moment, telling himself that he was okay here. And as he did so, he realised he had never felt this safe.

 

“Now, what was it?” Logan asked softly. “Was it something I said? If you cannot answer, that is fine, I just want to make sure I can prevent this.”

Virgil nodded slowly. He didn’t trust his voice just yet. His throat felt like sandpaper and his chest still felt funny. He didn’t trust himself to be able to speak.

“You…” he tried finally, his voice sounding hoarse and strained.

“Take your time, Virge.” Virgil nodded, scooting just that last inch closer to Logan. He didn’t know where this sudden courage came from; before this moment he would never have dreamed of being so close to _anyone_.

“You said,” he paused again, taking a deep breath. “You didn’t… want to make- make me do…”

He paused for a moment, but before he could continue, Logan gently cut him off, saying that he suspected he already knew what the other would say. He continued to say he didn’t want Virgil to force himself after his panic attack, and promised that he would mind his words. Finally, he made Virgil promise that, if anything he ever said or did triggered him, or even made him slightly uncomfortable, he would talk about this.

 

When Virgil looked up at Logan, he noticed that the other didn’t have eyeshadow quite as dark as the previous time he was here. In fact, it was quite subtle still. He smiled and made a mental note to make sure Logan left his room soon. But not yet. 

 

Not much later, Virgil had calmed down enough for Logan to leave him alone again. But not before he had made sure to tell the anxious side one last time that he would always be there if he needed someone to talk to. Virgil nodded and softly told Logan he knew that, while making a mental note to himself to maybe try talking to people for once, instead of bottling it all up. Maybe that would actually work.

 

A little later that same day, Roman entered the room. Virgil had sat down on his couch, listening to some music to try and get his mind working properly again, when the prince had come in.

“Greetings, friendo,” he dragged, not sure exactly _how_ to address the other side.

“Yes?” Virgil asked, removing one of his headphones as he turned to Roman expectantly.

“I couldn’t help but notice that you had some very nifty posters back here…” the creative side started, sneaking a glance at the two Nightmare Before Christmas pictures and Virgil rolled his eyes. He should have known that Roman would be here for something like that.

“Ugh, you probably already own like 101 Disney posters,” he responded, looking at the other.

“Yeah, I do,” he confessed. “But me and these posters are simply meant to be.”

“You can’t have my sick, nasty, Tim Burton posters,” Virgil told him quickly, ignoring the prince’s singing.

“Ugh, _fine_.” Roman crossed his arms in front of his chest as he sank out. Virgil unpaused his music again as soon as he was alone, but he soon found his mind wandering again. It may sound stupid, but Virgil couldn’t stop thinking about their interactions. It felt weird to him. There had been no hurtful nicknames, no insults or jabs. Just… Roman… talking to him. That would really take some time to get used to.

 

After that, Virgil finally had some time for himself, to calm down and listen to some music. But it didn’t seem to last long, as, after a while, someone else entered the room.

“What?” Virgil snapped, taking off his headphones. Was it so much to ask for a little bit of peace around here? The anxious side looked up and immediately regretted his small outburst when he saw that it was Patton, holding a small paper in his hands.

“Hey, kiddo!” the moral trait rushed. “Not trying to bother you, just made you a little something for the room!” He tossed the paper at Virgil, who flailed just a bit before he finally managed to catch it. “Hope to see you soon!”

Before Virgil could respond, Patton already sank out, leaving Virgil alone again. He looked down at the paper in his hands. It was a card Patton had made out of a folded piece of paper.

On the front, Virgil read in big, colourful letters: _UR FAM_.

When he opened it, the anxious side immediately noticed a big heart on the right page, with the letters _ILY_ written underneath it. On the left page, there were four little figures, representing the four main sides, a rainbow, and a sun – with sunglasses – above them. It wasn’t much better than a drawing a child would make, but it was so Patton. So sweet and thoughtful, and Virgil just couldn’t stop looking at it. The fact that Patton had thought of him, and wanted to make this for him… that meant more to him than any word could ever confess.

“He never really was good at art.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this story isn't dead!!! I managed to write something again!!! I'm sorry it took me a while, I was well on the way writing this, but then I realised I didn't like it, so I had to start over haha. But hey!! New chapter!!
> 
> Warnings: I don't think there's much more than anxiety and self-deprecation, but let me know if I missed something!

A few weeks passed and Virgil slowly grew closer to the other sides. Admittedly, he didn’t trust Roman enough to be around him a lot yet, but the two were both working on that. Patton never failed to tell Virgil how much he loved him, and Logan did as much research as he could on how to help Virgil deal with his past with Deceit. Virgil grew especially close to him, and having Logan there with him was actually a huge help for him. After a while, they had made a list of triggers that Logan made sure to have on him at all times – at least, until he had memorised it.

Virgil’s room seemed to have less impact on Logan when he was alone, now the state of the other sides wasn’t influencing him as well, and it was a huge relief to Virgil. Logan was the first side he really opened up to, and having someone to trust was amazing. Of course, he was still hesitant, sometimes, but Logan was so understanding and patient. He never pushed Virgil to do anything he didn’t want to, and even if he was slightly awkward at times, and still figuring out how to help, he was trying, and learning. And Virgil couldn’t say how much he appreciated it. He didn’t understand why Logan would go through so much effort for _him_ , but saying that he didn’t appreciate it would be a lie. He was happy there was someone to help him.

 

Virgil vaguely heard Thomas talking to the other sides, but he didn’t pay much attention to it. He had spent most of the day in his own room, running his hands through his new purple locks. Thomas had recently dyed his hair the bright colour, and Virgil just wasn’t sure what to think. It looked awesome, sure, but… it was scary. It was _purple_. It was an unnatural colour, and it stood out. People would see, and they’d talk about it. And that was quite anxiety-inducing, to say the least. He loved it, and he knew Thomas did too, but that could not change the fact that purple hair… well, it would stand out.

 

The anxious trait involuntarily flinched as he softly heard Roman mentioning him. Great, they’d rope him into this video after all, it seemed. The prince’s – still unknown – statement was followed by Thomas… calling him up? In some… weird… cooing voice. Virgil wasn’t _quite_ sure what that meant, or how he should respond to it. But, nonetheless, he still showed up, albeit with a soft groan.

 

“Hey dude,” Thomas greeted his Anxiety as he came in. Virgil raised and eyebrow at his host, but didn’t comment. “That’s- I don’t know why I said that. What do you - what do you have to say?”

“Look, you know me by now,” he said softly, “you know I’m gonna have some concerns.”

“And that’s okay. What’s up?”

“It’s just that…” Virgil paused for a moment, thinking about the best possible way to phrase this. He knew Thomas loved this, and letting him down right now was the last thing he wanted; he didn’t want to lose the support of the other sides. Not right now. “You don’t know what people are _thinking,_ or _saying_ about it.”

“Yeah, I will always have that nervousness about what people think of my appearance, coloured hair or not,” Thomas confirmed with a nod, “but… honestly, I’m happy with the change-up.”

“If you’re looking for a reason, Logan, it makes Thomas happy! And isn’t good mental health an important reason?” Patton exclaimed. Virgil bit his lip. Thomas _did_ love it. And so did he, but… it was so… _out there_.

“Yeah,” Logan admitted after a brief silence, scowling at the moral side opposite him.

“It certainly helped me think of a few new possibilities for the Great Selfie Games,” Roman confessed, summoning his phone out of nowhere. Virgil had seen Roman just a few times since Thomas dyed his hair, and he was never not looking at himself in his phone. The anxious side sighed. With everyone being so positive about it – okay, except Logan, but even he had sort of accepted it – it nearly felt wrong to bring them down with his anxious overthinking and hesitating.

“And I guess there is a… dark edginess to it,” Virgil conceded, taking his time to carefully choose the right words in the situation. “Like one of those… Crayola crayon Halloween packs.”

“That is your standard for dark edginess?” Roman asked with a miniscule frown on his face. Virgil had to admit that it wasn’t his first choice, and it was just… weird. But he was trying his best here, okay? He really was.

“I- I don’t know. I’m just trying not to bring the group down here.”

“You only help to lift me up, you sweet and sour, misunderstood shadowling,” Patton suddenly cried out, seriously seeming to be on the verge of tears. Pun not intended. Virgil opened his mouth to respond to Patton’s sudden outburst of love, but closed it as soon as the words hit him. 

“What?”

“Just… nod and agree,” Thomas instructed him calmly. “He has a lot of love to give.”

“Well,” Anxiety started hesitantly, looking at Patton as he slowly nodded. “All I’m saying is… Thomas, in your past it’s been far easier to just blend in. When you make yourself stand out like this, yeah, it can be good, but a lot of times, it can be… _not_ so good.”

He took his time to choose his words. After all, he would want to freak Thomas out too much again. That seemed to be the main reason why the man disliked him so much, and he would rather not go back to now. Not when he was finally starting to blend in with the others.

“He’s trying not to be harsh so as to not be too distressing, but he’s the source of your anxiety,” Logan analysed. “This is odd. He is odd.”

Odd? How did Logan mean that? Was it supposed to be an insult? His voice or expression didn’t necessarily imply anything like it, but he knew that it didn’t have to mean anything. Maybe Logan tried to mask the fact that he was insulting Virgil. It wouldn’t surprise him. 

“Logan…” Thomas tried, noticing Anxiety’s expression.

“But, he does have a point,” Logic continued, unimpeded. “Might one’s effort to find happiness in unique self-expression lead to the unhappy result of being… _the odd one out_?”

“I mean, yeah, I see the concern,” Thomas acknowledged, “but I- I don’t think that should keep us from taking that risk. If it’s not hurting me or others, sometimes, being the odd one out can be… _fun_.”

“Speak for yourself,” Virgil retorted immediately. “Being the odd one out was my whole presence here, and it was not fun.”

“Aha!” Roman exclaimed suddenly. Virgil noticed that, while it startled him, he didn’t flinch – not as much as he used to, at least. “That is the crux of this issue. Virgil is a little too familiar with rejection, and has had his fill.”

“What? No,” the anxious side muttered, looking away. It was true; he was sick of being alone and he would rather not go back to that, but he wasn’t going to admit that. You could never know when someone could decide to use that information against you.

“He doesn’t realise that sometimes, standing out can feel… _outstanding_! And I would know.”

“Oh, well, shoot,” Thomas realised, turning his attention to his anxiety. “Maybe we need to make you feel included as a valued part of me so that you don’t feel wrong for being different.”

Virgil bit his lower lip. Would they really do that? Would they really go through trouble, just to make sure he felt included? That… he couldn’t help but feel sceptical about it. What was their reasoning for this? There had to be a reason for it, right?

“Roman, that was… astute,” Logan said slowly, stumped by Roman’s observation.

“I know!” the prince responded proudly.

“And you used the word ‘iridescence’ earlier. You are on a clever streak today, which is unusual for you.”

“I know- wait what?” Virgil shot Logan a smile at the creative trait’s reply. But he had no time to even open his mouth for a witty remark, as Patton cut in with a loud:

“ _Tonks_!” Virgil flinched at the sudden exclamation, just like Roman, but instinctively summoned his sword. He was going to kill someone like this, Virgil thought with an eyeroll.

“Gosh! – I literally almost took your whole face out,” the creative prince stammered to the other side.

“Patton, you now have our attention,” Thomas said, turning to his morality.

“That’s what your hair reminds me of!” he explained his sudden outburst. “Nymphadora Tonks, the metamorphmagus from Harry Potter.”

“Okay. Both of you, with your big words today. Stealing my thing. No big deal,” Logan commented softly, and Virgil nearly felt bad when no one acknowledged him.

“Harry Potter!” Thomas suddenly called out.

 _“Did you put your name in the goblet of fire?”_ Roman quoted, eliciting not much more than a silence. “Right? Is that what you were quoting from? Like, Dumbledore, from the fourth movie? Like, what was that? It was such a weird… line translation… from the book to the mo- no?”

“Ah, it was more of a Harry Potter-themed idea I had just now,” Thomas corrected Roman’s ideas. “But that was, ehm… that was great.”

“Aw,” Roman cooed, feigning flattery – either he didn’t see through Thomas’ hesitance, or he acted like he didn’t. “I know.”

“Virgil,” Thomas then said, turning to the darker side. “Harry Potter was this amazing book series that combined magic, and fantasy, and giant trolls, and like- troll bogeys-”

“Yeah, I know what Harry Potter is,” Virgil interrupted his host before he could get too distracted by the insignificant details of the series. He was nearly offended that Thomas thought he didn’t know about Harry Potter. _Of course he knew about Harry Potter._

“But it also gave us this really cool system that helps us figure out where we fit in,” Thomas continued, seemingly unhindered by Virgil’s interruption. Virgil nodded slowly, waiting for Thomas to get to his point exactly.

“Oh, I can _sort_ of seeing where you’re going with this, Thomas,” Patton grinned.

“ _Hats_ off to you, Patton.” Virgil rolled his eyes at the puns. They were good puns, but… still.

“Aragog,” the moral side then continued in a voice much lower than usually. “A ginormous spider in the Harry Potter universe. He’s bold, he’s terrifying, and no matter where we all fit in, we are all his prey.”

Virgil raised and eyebrow at these words. What was… was Patton okay?

“That… was not where I was going with that, Patton,” Thomas stammered, “but… point well made.”

“He must be stopped.”

“Hogwarts houses!” Thomas instead exclaimed, ignoring Patton’s tangent. “In the books, the students all get sorted into four different Hogwarts houses based off of the qualities they exhibit.” As he explained this, Thomas mostly looked at Virgil, making sure the side knew where he was going with this. Which failed. Virgil had no idea.

“Oh, that makes more sense!” Patton called loudly, smiling at Thomas.

“Okay, so you’re saying this magical – some might say nonsensical – talking headwear sorting system could be of use to us?” Logan brought up. Of course _he_ would doubt this. Fantasy was never his strong suit, as it wasn’t logical after all. He was going to have a difficult time here. Poor logical boy.

“Well, although being simply a device in the books, people reading them also began to be curious as to where they may be sorted if they went to Hogwarts,” their host explained calmly. “And a lot of Harry Potter house quizzes appeared online. It sort of helped promote this idea that we may be different, but we’re all valued and important, and part of the same… ‘school’.”

There was a sort beat and Virgil couldn’t stop a smile creeping on his face as he awaited Logan’s response. He saw the logical side’s face, and he knew that-

“But the school’s not real!” There it was. Right on time.

“It’s a metaphor, Erlenmeyer trash,” Roman snapped at Logan. Again, this was expected. He loved anything fantasy, and it was quite a sensitive subject for him.

“Oh, schooled him!” Patton loudly exclaimed. “Don’t be mean, though.”

“Fantasy worlds are my jam, bro-ham,” the creative prince continued, still keeping his eyes on the logical trait. He was still trying to get a point across. He was not doing a great job at it.

“Listen, I’m just doing my best over here.”

“So, what’s the plan here?” Virgil called as he raised his hands, interrupting the exchange between the two sides before it could get out of hand.

“We’re gonna sort you!” Thomas said loudly. The side lowered his hands with a slight scowl. He wasn’t sure he really… _liked_ this idea. Being pushed into a box like this wasn’t exactly something he… wanted.

“Sort me?”

“Well, sure!” the man nodded confidently. Virgil bit his lip as he listened to Thomas. “I myself am a Hufflepuff, but you all are different facets of my personality with different strengths and weaknesses. It may take some discussion, but I am sure we can thoughtfully deduce where each of you-”

“Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin.” Roman interrupted, pointing to respectively himself, Patton, Logan and Virgil. Most of the others seemed to be content with the side’s suggestion, but S _lytherin_? Really? How fitting that Slytherin was the house with the bad reputation, the one that brought forth most of the villainous witches and wizards. And on top of that, it was the house with a snake. And it was easy to say that he grew to dislike snakes. I’m sure it’s clear why. Virgil had to admit that he didn’t know everything about the house, but he knew Roman’s black and white thinking by now, and he suspected that there wasn’t a lot to say there than that Slytherin created most villains. “There we go! End of Sanders Sides video! Until next time everyone!”

Roman already sank out, Patton and Logan starting to follow, when Thomas loudly stopped them, noticing Virgil’s discomfort.

“Why am I a Slytherin?” Virgil asked, looking at Roman. “What are the qualifications?”

“Well you’re the…” the prince hesitated. “You’re the dark and sinister one.”

And there it was. Virgil knew it. Roman still saw him as a villain after all, didn’t he? Just great. He thought they’d been making improvements, but… what if that wasn’t… real? Nothing had really changed, had it?

“Pump the brakes, Princey,” Thomas called. Virgil was glad Thomas had his back. At least that was progress. “That is not what qualifies a Slytherin!”

“Well, all the other houses are definitely taken by us, so it’s the only way he could possibly fit into!” the creative side tried to defend his words and Virgil involuntarily flinched at the way he phrased it. This was the exact reason he didn’t want to do something like this. He knew it would only make him feel bad if the others would put a label on him like this. He looked down and pulled the hoodie around him a little bit closer. Virgil noticed Logan looking at him and he shot the logical side a small smile, hoping it would reassure the other.

“And that is a great example of what we’re _not_ going to do with Virgil,” Thomas snapped at his creativity. Anxiety smiled a bit at his host trying to defend him. It was nice for once.

“Okay, look, fantasy is not my jam,” Logan cut in, “my jam of choice is Crofters!” Virgil scoffed as Logan summoned a jar of Crofters. Again. Why did he keep doing this? This was not the first time he had brought up the brand, and Virgil doubted it would be the last. “And this video isn’t even sponsored, I’m just a fan. Crofters: the only jelly I will put in my belly.”

“What… was that?” Thomas asked, in utter confusion. Logan didn’t respond, but just sent Virgil a quick smile.

“Yeah, I mean… I love me a good spoonful of Crofters,” Roman said, summoning a jar of Crofters himself. Why are they such nerds? “But that was a little out of left field, Logan.” He put the spoon in his mouth, eating the jam – and causing one of the most horrible sounds in existence.

“What is happening?”

“Fruit spreads aside,” Logan continued, tossing the jar aside, “I’ve done some thinking on this fantasy organisation process, this, eh- Dobby Decimal System…”

“Nice.” Roman interfered.

“Thanks. Whether or not the results of these quizzes that determine which Hogwarts house one belongs to are authentic, they can reinforce one’s sense of self, so if this is necessary to help Virgil feel better about himself, then I support it. With that said, let’s break down these houses, shall we?”

Virgil smiled at Logan’s comment. The logical trait was such a sweetheart, despite him saying he was uncapable of such things. He really was awesome. Even if he might have found out about his past with Deceit before he had been ready to admit it, Virgil was glad it was Logan. He was so supportive and kind, Virgil was happy Logan wanted to help him.

“Sure,” Thomas nodded, “you, eh- you have Gryffindor.”

“The brave ones!”

“Well yeah, but that’s an oversimplification,” the man continued, unimpressed by Roman’s – quite dramatical – interruption. “They’re also determined and chivalrous.”

“And this is the one Roman thinks he’s in?” Virgil asked. He didn’t mean it as anything more than some teasing banter, while there _was_ still a tiny bit of bitterness in that comment. Roman tried his best to improve, and that was more than he could ever ask for, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to bring it up a few more times. Roman deserved that.

“Yuh doy.” Virgil raised his eyebrow at the other side’s response, shooting him a careful smile.

“Then there’s Ravenclaw,” Thomas continued, “typically known as the wise and clever ones.”

“Ah, that _is_ me, isn’t it?” the logical side commented with a smile.

“The ones who think they’re smarted than anyone else?” It was clear from Roman’s scowl that he was salty. But that was his constant mood, so no surprises there.

“I don’t think I’m smarter than anyone else,” Logan defended himself, a careful smile already appearing on his face as he paused for a moment. “I _know_ I’m smarted than anyone else.”

As Roman sighed, Virgil looked at the logical trait with a smile. He probably wasn’t wrong. He was at least the smartest of the sides, that was for sure.

“Then there’s Hufflepuff, the loyal and friendly ones.”

“Aw, is that what you think of me, Roman?” Patton asked in a high voice, looking at Roman with so much love in his eyes, that only Patton could muster.

“I mean, yeah, you’re the softest little puffball we got, Padre.” Virgil frowned at the comment. Something didn’t feel right with him. Roman’s voice wasn’t insulting, but Anxiety knew very well that that didn’t mean that it _wasn’t_ an insult. And calling Patton soft? He wasn’t sure that was meant to be a compliment.

“You don’t have to be mean to him,” he started, looking at Roman. He cut himself off when Patton let out a soft squeal.

“Aww, thank you Roman!”

“See?” The prince turned to Virgil with a smile, while the anxious side looked at Patton in confusion. Apparently, it was not… an insult? Curious.

“And then there’s Slytherin,” Thomas said, not responding to his sides’ small exchanges. “Who, yes, get a rep in the book for being the bad guys, but they’re mainly known for being ambitious, cunning, strong leaders.”

“But that…” the anxious trait let out with a frown as he tried to think of the best words to express just how much that description did _not_ fit him. “That’s not me.”

“Ye-” Roman started, before realising that it was, in fact correct. “No… What the heckity heck? Five abs and one peck.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow at the creative side’s expression. He knew the other had… unique phrases every once in a while, but mostly, it was still clear what he wanted to say. In this case, however… what did _that_ mean?

“What a visual,” Logan uttered, clearly having the same train of thought. Thomas and Patton looked just as confused.

“What was that?” Thomas asked his creativity.

“Just a little something I like to say when I’m confused, so that I’m not alone in my confusion,” the prince explained simply. “See? It works. Virgil is not a Slytherin.”

“Oh darn, it was so close to being perfect!” Patton said, bouncing around like he usually did. Virgil shifted uncomfortably.

“Well, sorry to ruin that for you,” he muttered, looking away from the other side. Was he _supposed_ to be a Slytherin? That was what the others expected him to be, wasn’t it? It didn’t feel right for him, but… what if he was a Slytherin after all?

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Logic quickly told Virgil, trying to reassure him. Anxiety looked at him for a second or two, giving him a small nod. He was okay, he tried to tell himself. He had to be.

“If you keep talking bad about yourself, I’m going to physically fight you!” Patton exclaimed, his loud volume startling Virgil. He appreciated the thought, but… did he have to be so loud about it?

“No- no, that is the opposite of helpful, Patton,” Thomas tried to calm Morality slowly.

“Nobody talks about my child like that.”

“Okay…” the man nodded, ignoring Patton furthermore as he turned to Virgil again. “They’re right though, Anxiety. I mean, this is why I think it’s a good exercise. Maybe this will help me to look at my aspects from different angles. Maybe it’s not so simple.”

“Ugh, why is it never simple?” Roman complained. Of course, he had issues with this. He always did.

“Yes,” Logan agreed with a nod. “For example, Roman, you sound more like a Slytherin.” He summoned a Slytherin hat for the creative side.

“What?” Roman snapped, looking at the hat as if it was some kind of poison before turning to Logan with a similar glare. “I do _not_!”

“Oh, so you don’t think you’re a strong leader?” Logic countered. “You don’t think you’re cunning?”

“I am not _evil_!” Well, it was just great to know that that’s what Roman thought of Slytherin. The house he himself had sorted Virgil into. Good to know he still thought of Virgil as some kind of villain, despite the efforts he had made to improve.

“Says who?” Anxiety muttered with a smile to cover up just how much that one comment had stung.

“Slytherins are not all evil, okay?” Thomas interfered. Virgil wasn’t sure if the man tried to defend _him_ , or the general reputation of the house. “Let’s just get rid of that idea right now.”

“But… _Voldemort_.” Virgil rolled his eyes at the prince, biting his tongue to refrain from making any comments, too afraid of being hurtful. But quite honestly… Roman was being an ass here.

 

What followed after that, was just… the other sides trying to justify just why the others would fit in a certain house, and to be fair… Virgil didn’t know how to feel about it. He knew the others were trying to help, but… he didn’t feel like he fit in any of the houses mentioned. Nothing was a perfect fit for him, and he didn’t know what to do with this anymore.

 

In the end, Roman suggested they stick with the house they felt most comfortable in, which caused the three others to announce their preferred houses. But Virgil… he didn’t know. He really didn’t know.

 

“Virge?” Thomas asked as the others had changed into the robes matching their chosen house, turning to Virgil expectantly. “How you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” the anxious side responded. Nothing felt like it _fit_. He didn’t really belong anywhere.

“Well… they don’t all have to be different,” Roman tried, “does Gryffindor feel best for you?”

He changed Virgil into the Gryffindor robe he wore, and Virgil smiled at the effort to include him.

“One thing I feel like I’m not, is reckless,” he brought up.

“Ah, fair point.”

“I’m not impartial,” he continued, changing into a Hufflepuff robe. “And frankly, not very friendly.”

“I will fight you,” Patton mumbled threateningly.

“I’m a problem identifier, not a problem solver,” he said, ignoring Patton as he looked down at the Ravenclaw robe he now wore. “And then there’s what everyone expects me to be…” Slytherin. “But I don’t feel like an ambitious, cunning leader. I feel more like… a play-it-safe, evasive worrier. So… what does this mean? I- I went into this hoping to make better sense of it all, but… now I’m even more confused than ever.”

“So you don’t fit into any of the houses perfectly, big deal,” Thomas called. “You know who could have been in Slytherin or Gryffindor? Harry freaking Potter!”

“Hermione was going to be in Ravenclaw, but exemplified Gryffindor traits more,” Logan added.

“Neville wanted to be in Hufflepuff because he didn’t see the Gryffindor traits in himself at all,” Morality said.

“You guys are really making me feel good about my house,” Roman jumped in with a smile. “Thank you!”

“Point is,” Thomas continued, looking at Virgil, “there are examples of people who toe the line between multiple categories. And they fit however they want to fit in.”

“But I don’t fit,” Virgil persisted, “that’s the thing.”

“Says who?” Patton called out, very clearly _ready_ to fight Virgil.

“You could be a Ravenclaw with Hufflepuff tendencies, a Slytherin with Gryffindor tendencies- wait, no, not that one.” The anxious side shot Logan a small smile at the attempt to make him feel better. He really did appreciate it, and while it was better than being pushed away constantly… it was still weird to have people trying this hard for him. And on top of that, he was still confused about the sorting thing. He had no idea where he fit at all.

“You can be Raphael and Donatello!” Patton saw where Logan was going with this and quickly joined in.

“Well, that’s mixing metaphors, let’s not confuse the issues,” Logan started confused, and just a little ticked off.

“A water- bender and an earth-bender!”

“Only if you were the avatar, wha- I thought we were talking about Harry Potter.”

“You’re a Greyjoy, and you’re a Stark.”

“Thomas, you don’t even watch Game of Thrones, how- how do you-”

“You should, though! It’s so good!”

“Yeah, I’ve heard.”

“I think I’m getting it, guys,” Virgil quickly interrupted. He was happy the others helped for once, but part of him still waited for the underlying punch, for the others to just turn on him in the blink of an eye. It felt weird to him, surreal. And it didn’t help him figure out this tiny bit about himself, so what was the point, really? “It’s just… I- I wish I was a little bit more simple to understand.”

“Oh, who wants that?” Thomas called out. “No one is – or should be – that simple. I mean, just the fact that my Hufflepuff self is comprised of so many different aspect and passions, is amazing! Figuring yourself out should be an adventure! And in the meantime, don’t be afraid to stand out a little. Embrace your differences! Heck, I dyed my hair this saucy shade of sangria for a change, and I like feeling a bit unique! Hopefully, you can too.”

Virgil looked at his host for a few seconds, mulling over his words. They really weren’t messing around, it would seem. They really wanted to… to make him feel included, and to help him. They really had accepted him as a part of the group, and a part of Thomas, even if he himself doubted that. So, if that was really true, maybe it wasn’t so bad to not know where he fit in? Maybe this was where he belonged, this small group alone. Maybe Deceit had been wrong all along. Maybe he _was_ a part of this after all.

Virgil looked down at his hands, at the black and green fabric of the Slytherin robe covering his hands. He was not a Slytherin, that’s for sure. It didn’t fit him, and the image of the snake still made him feel more than just a little uncomfortable. He’d never want to be part of that house, even if he did fit. Gryffindor was out of the question too. And Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw… maybe weren’t as bad. But they still didn’t feel like _the_ house for him. Maybe there just wasn’t a house fit for him. Maybe there wasn’t meant to be. But in any case… what felt best for him… were he belonged… maybe he knew.

“Well…” He hesitated for a moment. Before making his decision, changing back into his regular outfit. “Then I’m not picking a house. I don’t need to belong to a specific Hogwarts house…” He hesitated for just a moment, doubting whether he should say what was on his mind. But finally, he decided. “- in order to belong with you guys.”

He looked at Thomas, who grinned at him, tongue slightly sticking out, and he couldn’t help but smile himself as Patton squealed. Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. He really might belong here.

“I’m proud of you,” the paternal side quickly told Virgil, covering his mouth with his hands.

“Ten points to G- eh… ehm… Virgil!” Roman announced, looking at Anxiety with a smile himself.

“That was an option?” Logan asked, immediately getting rid of his robe. “I didn’t have to participate in this at all?”

Virgil smiled at the logical side’s typical response. He never changed.

“See, Thomas, your hair and these emblems are giving me an idea,” the prince said, trailing off as he looked at Thomas, silently waiting for the man’s response.

“Roman, make it work,” he replied, before softly mumbling something under his breath.

“I say we go for a bit of a change, too!” Roman’s hints were as vague as ever. Probably so he could build suspense and then go for a dramatic reveal. Virgil knew how he worked by now.

“How?” Patton asked as he attempted – accent on _attempted_ – to take off the robe himself. It was not nearly as smoothly as what Logan had done.

“If you say Mind Palace again,” the logical trait started to protest, “we haven’t even been back to the one that you created in a long- oh that’s nice.”

Roman had changed his outfit into a more… fancy and regal looking version of his outfit, and Virgil had to admit… he looked _extremely_ handsome in his new look. It looked amazing on him.

“Oh, new emblem thingy!” Patton gasped, clasping his hands together as he admired the new outfit.

“Oh, prince 2.Oh my goodness,” Thomas smiled at the prince’s new clothes.

“Your shoulders were so boring to look at before.”

“Yeah, it’s just a bit of a change,” Roman responded, “but I thought it would be nice.”

“Well, I suppose I could also participate,” Logic reasoned, “but I’m not gonna go as ornate or elaborate, I would just look silly.”

“I set the bar too high for you, that’s okay.” Virgil huffed and rolled his eyes at the prince’s comment. Of course that was the reason. If Roman hadn’t set the bar so ‘high’, Logan would _totally_ go for something more out there. Because that was what Logan did.

The logical side changed his outfit, clearing his throat as he finished it. He didn’t alter his outfit too much, as he promised. Just a new shirt, and a new tie. And it looked good on him. The colours suited him really well.

 “There, nice simple logo change, clear and to the point,” he announced, showing the others his new look.

“Hey Logan, matching logos!” Patton called out excitedly. He had changed his look too, though not much changed. Much like Logan, he just got a new shirt and a new garment wrapped around his shoulders.

“That’s… very nice, Patton.” Logan was seemingly quite… upset by Patton’s new outfit? Was it because Patton took his moment? Because he had a similar logo? Virgil wasn’t sure, but he thought the matching logos were adorable.

“Mine is a _heart_ with glasses.” He explained excitedly, and Virgil couldn’t deny that Patton was incredibly cute.

“Stealing my logo, no big deal.”

“What is going on with your cardigan?” Roman asked, glancing at Patton’s back.

“Is that your cat onesie?” Logan inquired, suddenly recognizing the dark grey fabric of something that did, indeed, look like the onesie the moral trait loved so much.

“Maybe?” the side smirked, putting up the hood of his onesie.

“Ugh, that will not suffice.”

“You never let me do anything fun!” he whined, taking off the onesie with clear reluctance.

“Figure it out buddy,” Roman tried softly, “maybe something different for next time.”

“Virgil, your turn!” Patton yelled as he wrapped his old cardigan around his shoulders again.

“Oh my goodness, do I have to?” Virgil asked, looking at the others. “I mean, like, so many changes, I just told you my name.”

Of course, he wanted to. He had an idea a while back – of course, the author forgot to mention that because she forgets things every once in a while, but just that simple fact did nothing to change the fact that he had an idea. The only problem is that he didn’t know what the others would say. Maybe they hated it. And he didn’t want to lose them so quickly. He finally felt at home somewhere, he didn’t want to ruin that.

“No, no, you don’t have to!” Roman rushed to say.  I just thought-”

“I… actually… I actually had this idea,” Virgil interrupted hesitantly. “But like… it’s a little out there, so ehm…”

“Go ahead!” Thomas gently urged him. “I mean, if you don’t like it, you can always change back!”

“Well, alright.” Virgil sighed, not looking up at any of the others. Was he really going to do this? Part of him feared that the others would hate it, that they would ridicule him for it. But they weren’t like that, were they? Would they really do that. “But, um… before I do, I should probably confess that…” He was going to do it. Before he could back out, Virgil focussed on the design he had made a while ago and brought it into existing. “I actually really dig the purple.”

The other sides and Thomas responded with varying degrees of excitement – Patton squealing for so long Virgil feared he would die like that.

“That is… magnificent.” Roman said slowly, still admiring Virgil’s new hoodie. Virgil managed a careful smile at the compliment. It felt good to know that the others liked his new look, that they didn’t make fun of him for it. Especially Roman. “How you managed to get even angstier.”

“Okay,” he groaned, smile faltering. Apparently, he had been wrong.  

“No, no, no, if that’s what you want to rock, then you… rock it, sir!” the prince rushed, stumbling over his words. “Who needs a Hogwarts house when you have your own Hog-wild style? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.”

“Yeah, it is eh- pretty Hog-wild,” Virgil scoffed. Honestly, the compliment had been… a little weird, but he was used to that. Roman was a weird fellow overall. It was still good to have the positive feedback, though.

“Wonderful,” Logan nodded. “I hope you feel a little more like a part of this group, Virgil.”

“I eh- I do.” Virgil looked at the other and smiled carefully.

“I’d say we can call it a day,” the logical side then responded before starting to sink out, “if we’re done swapping looks.”

“And talking books,” Roman added, ready to follow Logan out.

“I prefer reading on a Nook,” Logan said. He really came back for that response? He really was a huge nerd. No surprises there.

“That response has me shook,” the prince said, coming back for his final comment. Dorks. They were all dorks.

“Would you look at the time on the- clook,” Patton tried as he sank out himself. It was a… it was an attempt, that for sure.

“Patton, the video is about doing your own thing, so… don’t… do what they’re doing,” Thomas futilely called after the side. He shook his head and turned to Anxiety. “Honestly. Anyway, great new style, Virgil.”

“Thanks.” Virgil looked down at his new hoodie. It had been a good choice to use this one. He was really glad he chose this. “Now I feel as big of a weirdo as the rest of these guys.”

“That’s good, you fit right in,” the man said with a careful smile at his joke.

“Ah, I saw what you did there, nice little bring-it-around-full-circle, that was cute,” the anxious trait said, smiling himself as he sank out.

“Yeah, I couldn’t help myself.” Was all he could hear Thomas saying before he got back to his own room. He sat down on his couch, wrapping his new hoodie around him. This definitely felt better than that old black hoodie. This fit him more. It was something he’d created, something he loved. This was more him. Perfect to symbolise the new start.


End file.
